is disappointing..

a sudden thought in my mind. in life, are we looking for that special one or we are just looking for company. whenever we are occupied with other stuff and other people, we will neglect and forget about that one.. only when we are no longer occupied, then we will return to the one... and we just come n go as and when we need company..

perhaps in this world, we are just making use of each other to fill in the empty gap..

recently isn't in a good mood.. everything not going well or smooth..

Stop being held back by the past. Learn to move on for a better future. Holding on doesn't bring you anywhere better esp. in a 1-way road. Maybe is a gain in some other ways...

i know i'm not in a position to be ask anything more than what a friend can ask. i also not in the position to even comment on anything. but somehow, i can feel that there is another gal in your life that is adding colour to your life already. maybe is just a colleague, is just a friend, a more 談得來 friend, but somehow, you 2 seem to be sharing stories, secret nicknames and codes..

well, i guess it is super crystal clear that yup, you are treating me as just a normal friend with only neutral feeling and not extra.. i wish you all the best in your future relationship. she seems like quite a nice gal and i believe with your character, things should be able to work out well in the future.

i stopped contacting you totally. i guess is a better way off. i'm not contacting any of our common friends already. maybe it is better way off too. our live don't meet anymore.. the paths cross and it went opposite or parallel that it wont cross in the future anymore. i know i lost most of my friends in my life, but i guess this is a price to pay. even they are here, it doesn't feel that real anymore.

things change, people change, life change.. i guess i have to adapt to all changes. there doesn't seem to be any more reason for me to hold on. you seems happy, you are happier. you enjoy your life. you are heading your life toward your goals. everything seems prefect for you now. somehow, it makes me think that without me by your side, your life are much much better. more order, more achievement, everything just seems to be in the good side. don't need to be afraid to hurt me ba. i guess i know it well that we 2 won't get together anymore. i don't know what is happening in your life, i don't know how are you coping with work and life. i don't know about your worries, problems or any troubles that you are facing.. i can't be there to just go through all these with you, i cant share your happiness, sadness, worries, frustration, agony and every other things.

you seem so far away from my life already. i don't seem to be in your life anymore already, other person and things have filled in the vacancy. i could only wish you all the best. little do we know, is almost 6 months already. it isn't a short time but it isn't that long too. but seem that you moved on and not more holding back anymore, it won't do you any good to even think of returning..

what have my life been.. haha.. work and study.. and no gathering or outing with any common friends. because everyone know if we are to meet, they will feel the awkwardness too.. i guess i choose to give them up upon the thought that they will be there for you.. is ridiculous maybe, but i felt it that way.. my life now is only left with work, colleagues, studies and that's all.. i try not to think abt this that i lost you, i lost most of our friends. don't tell me it isn't true but the fact and truth are just out and obvious.. even a comment i try to post on any of our common friend FB status and stuff, the kind of response that i get was...... they are like an acquaintance to me already. i tried by doing the first step of probably reconnect using FB, but it doesn't seem to work out.. i guess i shoudln't be trying so hard to knock my head against the wall ba. to be exact, they are more of your friends than mine already. relationship is no longer than last time anymore.

SP homecoming.. lol.. i thought of going but i don't know who will be going.. if in the past, i will be asked if i want to go.. but now, it isn't the case.. now, everything and everyone seems like stranger to me.. i'm just an acquaintance to everyone already. everything is taken away from me.. what i have left with is just myself and my workload.. you were something i work for and work toward. without you, my life is in a mess and i m feeling so lost.. i can only survive through every day by waking up and go work and do work and study.. something is missing in my life.. unfortunately, i have yet to find something to replace the space that was taken up by you. i tried already but i guess no matter how i try, the feeling can no longer be rekindle already. try out with that gal ba.. anyone is also a much better choice than me already. nothing will be able to rekindle our r/s and feelings already. you didn't want to tell me the harsh and hurtful truth, but i know it very well.. you are just being nice of not wanting to be harsh to such an extend. our road will not cross anymore and needless to say, how can feelings and relationship develop from there..

tell me you like that gal ba, or tell me you do have feeling for that gal ba.. 讓我死心好了.. don't torture me with that special communications that you have with her.. tell me the truth ba.. although it will be hurtful but i rather know the truth and really die once and for all.. i was also wondering if you did block me from msn.

sigh.. i have countless of suffering and toughs days and nights.. how can i always contain all these emotions well.. i really feel like..... which i know it is the wrong and worse way ever.. but, it is getting over my limits and i cant seem to be able to solve it even though i have been thinking and wanting to solve it.. who can save me from all these before i start to go out of control and do silly things.. collapsing soon..

learn to love yourself before loving others. but don't love yourself so much that you can love others anymore.. i must love myself more and more each day. everytime i love, i love others more. how i wish i could really draw a separation boundary for percentage of love. love myself 20% and the rest of 80% to love others, so at the end of the day, when others don't love you, at least you still have 20% of love and not feeling your whole world collapses..

this was once i was advised when my relationship failed. but till now, i have yet to master that loving yourself thingy as i always thought when in love, you got to love 100%. maybe only silly ppl do that and in the end only themselves got hurt..

看著那些照片，3年前的今天，還在熱戀當中，那時的我們是那麼的單純，那麼的天真，不需要為太多東西和將來煩惱。那時候的我們，只需為成績，學業煩惱。如今，也沒有了“我們”這兩個字。

3年前，你的生日，我們去吃 Sakae Buffet @ Marina Square...
2年前，你的生日，我幫你舉辦了一個驚喜(surprise) 生日派對。瞞著你，偷偷地安排了一切，動用了很多精力，邀請了你的同學，朋友和家人。
1年前，你的生日，我沒有幫你慶祝，因為是農曆初三，我還在馬來西亞過年。但是，安排了你要好的朋友們幫你慶祝。在那之前，也準備了一個驚喜錄影，幫你“慶祝”。
今年，你的生日，我沒能幫你慶祝，因為我再也沒有那個權利和身分再那麼做了。
以後你的生日，我也不會再幫你慶祝了。我只會祝福你過得快樂，健康和幸福。

我已經不會再留戀了。因為，我無法往前前進，只會原地踏步，也不會再感覺到快樂與幸福了。我也漸漸的把你遺忘掉，也漸漸的不再與你聯絡。漸漸的我會把你從我的生命里拿出來。我想要執著，但時機已過了，事實也很明顯了。不會再有機會和未來了。現在的關係，狀況就是我們最後的結局。祝你有個美好的未來和人生。

這次的我，真的要把這一切的一切都告一段落。不會有續集了。會把很多都忘了，因為懷念只會讓人無法前進。不要再告訴我，我要學會做更好的決定，要學會怎麼樣不把事情複雜化。現在，這些對我來說，感覺好想在跟我說風涼話。我學會了，也不把事情複雜化，但你的語言與行動讓我感覺好複雜。但居然你的話已經說得那麼白，我只會覺得你的動作不是真的，沒有特別的用意。我們之間已經徹徹底底的結束了，沒有回頭路了。

只會說 ”拜拜“ 而不再是 ”再見“，因為已經不想再見到了。

Dental appt this Monday, let's see how i handle my emotions to go to a familiar yet so stranger place now. but i believe with my determination this time, i won't feel any special emotion anymore. EVERYTHING IS A PAST NOW....

這次的我會變得很堅強，不會再讓自己流淚了。哭也哭夠了，哭也哭累了，眼淚也干了，眼睛也腫了，心也不再有波動了。人也瘦了，也憔悴了，情緒也沒了，崩潰也崩潰過了，憂鬱也憂鬱過了，所有的喜怒哀樂都有了，經歷人生的迷亂，人生的低潮，人生的悲歡離合，人生的挫折，失去了愛情，友情與親情。一切的一切好像在告訴我，我自己一個，沒有愛人，沒有朋友，我也能過得了日子，一個人也可以過得好好的。少了很多朋友，就算還是朋友的，友情已有變數了。能聊的，能聚會的，能很自然的，已經沒有多少了。已經沒有再和任何人談心事了，已不再聊這麼深入的話題了。我的世界只有我而已了。接下來的日子，就為自己而活吧。

bought an anklet from Lee Hwa to pamper myself and to tell myself that even though valentine day is near, i dont need a guy to treat me good or do i have to depend on him..

EDB LOT communication day --> quoted from our dept management.. meeting with supervisor and manager. feedback about us. communicate to us.. more or less hint to tell you if you are leaving to bond for 1.5 years or you are free to leave aft the training term end.. won't comment about mine if staying or leaving as was told this is kind of confidental and sensitive topic, shouldn't be discussing abt this.. everything still depends on HR..

今年說是像霧又像花的變動年。你的情緒波動起伏頗大，你最好得學會找出平衡點。 sigh.. my emotions are too extreme till i'm just waiting to collapse.. that's all.. if you can't handle them anymore then dont handle. just wait for the sky to fall and it might feel much better..

cried.tired.slept.

感覺像死掉。好想就死掉⋯⋯ 感覺好辛苦，好痛苦。快要撐不住了。已經不知道該如何是好了，就只想死。我的腦快要爆炸了，我的心一陣一陣的痛，一抽一抽的，感覺心快要荷負不了，要停止了。有想要嘔吐的感覺，只覺得我要不行了。我要崩潰了。

That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

feel like dying.. where's my motivation. where is my strength and push for my life.. sigh~~ feeling so dead..

i'm lacking something in my life to make me even feel like i'm living.. i didn't realise i used to live in the past but only now then i realise, i stopped living =(

i'm just waiting for the time whereby i feel numb about all these and back to those old time where by i will be independent being alone and not wanting to rely on anyone anymore.. suddenly, i wish i could be like the 'me' during poly year 1.. can be like the 'me' during uni year 1 after breakup.. somehow i wish i could be the then feeling-less yenwei now.. the yenwei that is just cheerful outside but no feeling inside.. when did i change to be like this? of not being strong and independent anymore.. not being so affected? someday sometime i just hope something bad will happen on me then maybe i will feel more appreciative of the situation now.. but i also hope something bad happen to be so that i could no longer be in any stand or right to want to be loved and love.. silly you might say, but yes, i'm that pessimistic.. but i can look and act till super optimistic and cheerful in front of others and lots of ppl.. so i guess my issue is i'm good with hiding my emotions from everyone and just waiting for myself to breakdown and get depression.. wahaha...

met him on sat for a treat from him as a return for the gift of watch i gave him. dinner at paragon, ramen. then went for a short coffee at the Coffee Club then decide to catch a movie. watched Journey 2 at Shaw. after movie was only 9 plus. sat for quite some time at Mac before we head to HomeTeam NS at Bukit Gombak for a bowling game so that i could fetch my brother at abt 12 plus from CCK aft his mj session. talked normally but with the feeling of so near yet so far feeling.. talked to him but felt the change in him that i think we drifted apart, somehow i don't know abt him that well anymore.. my mother still treat him well, which i also didnt know of it.. as for me, i disappoint everyone..

it was the 28-Jan-2012 that we met.. and that date suppose to be our "3rd year anniversary".. but getting a big knock onto my head, that suppose to be special date and day isn't existing anymore..

after each meet up, things are getting clearer and clearer.. guess it is more or less the time to come out that decision and action already. 不應該再執著⋯⋯ 或是抱著希望。希望和期待是帶來失望和絕望。最後，人就會自我封閉，不再有情感，也不對世間留戀。人啊，為甚麼七情六慾是那麼難以捉摸。

很想说

back home from a 5 days of CNY at grandparent's place (Malaysia). set off at abt 2+pm on sat 21st Jan.. the traffic was super heavy, there were too many cars on the highway. reach home at abt 7pm.. usually the ride will take abt 3hr plus to go back..

somehow this is the worse chinese new year i have been through.. although there are alot more addition to the big big family and some relatives were back too. inside me, i just feeling nothing.. no new year mood, no reunion feeling, to be exact, i'm quite feeling-less these few days.. there are still relatives asking me how come i didnt bring my boyfriend back.. i could only answer "no la, never bring back".. this is so torturing.. i could only smile back.. i'm feeling quite tiring.. i want to feel emotionless.. somehow i think i'm good with hiding all my emotions from others.. but somehow, i feel it is getting tougher already. i am more and more speechless each day.. i am like controlling all my emotions in front of everyone.. i could only release them out at night, in my room.. somehow i wish i could just get depression and i could just live in my own world. all these emotions are killing me, i'm just feel like dying.. every morning i wake up, i just feel so restless and helpless.. i don't know what i'm to look forward.. i'm telling myself everyday, just carry on living, maybe one day, hopefully one day, the thing you wish for and you wanted will come true.. just live..

my day: suddenly fell sick at work with running nose and felt of sore throat. ended work, the running nose was still so stubborn. went lesson, didn't feel better. after lesson went to see doctor at 9pm. then dinner at 9.30pm. fetch sister but went the wrong only, finally got home just before 11pm, realise wallet missing!! called and rushed down to get my wallet and reach home 12.10am.. i'm really sick.

what a day when u are already felt so miserable with the sore throat (doctor see and straight away say "喉嚨在發大炎".. then she gave me fever, flu, sore throat and cough.. MC for tmr.. my nose is so red now and i use tissue till i think the nose already 脫皮.. abrasion..

this is the first time i really lost my wallet and i only realise it aft an hour.. feeling sick and then realise wallet missing at 11pm. when i tot i could rest already. what a way to keep my awake.. and with this suddenly fall-in in office when in the morning i was alright only 9+ am.. this thing just hit on me.. damn..

passed him the gift -Solvil et Titus watch. like it quite alot

have a uni gathering with the Raven CC gang.. is an AGM at Praleum Wine Bistro at 4 Duxton Hill. dinner was alright. drank 1 Stella Artois and 2.5 pine of Hoegaarden. think i'm just trying to get myself drank to feel less..

a deadline that i'm setting for myself and this will be a final deadline for everything.. 28-Jan-2012.. a date which suppose to be special and meaningful in another sense, but this time, it will be meaningful too. After 28-Jan-2012 23:59:59, i will start dreaming, wishing and whatsoever.. i will be awaken from every single things.. after that date and time, is a rational and wake-up time, to live my life without a man.. to live my life alone but for what purpose, i still don't know.. life now seem so meaningless and of no purpose. i wished to start afresh on that special date which once means that much to us for us. but after tonight, i'm slapped awake. this can never be possible. i cant even talk to you, i cant ever dare to establish eye contact with you. i feel like you are so near but there are just walls between us..

cutting off everything from every single one.. starting from 28-Jan-2012 23:59:59.. whoever wants to come into my isolated world, you got to crack that layers of walls to get in cause this time, i will not make any more effort to do anymore things extra for anyone.. and this time, without any turning back or mercy.. i must be tough to myself. this time, i will throw abt all the past, all the poly days, all the uni days, all the aussie days, all the sg days and also include all those GSK days.. every single one of it.

or probably starting from tmr, all contacts are all cut.. all contact point unless deem necessary by me. since 28th is so near already, less than 2 weeks, probably is the time to get use to all.. ignore all and reject all.. u can never be happy with me anymore so leaving you is a better and fairer option.. is tough and heart-aching but i think is a wiser choice that i could make for u.

重來 - 期待原來是一種傷害

有多少愛能重來　多少人願意等待　失去之後才明白
走進回憶的安排　一幕一幕的對白　上演我們的未來
期待原來是一種傷害　深愛的人一離開　是我不敢忽略你給我的愛

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手 請你看看我　請看需要你的我　一切從頭

有多少愛能重來　多少人願意等待　失去之後才明白
走進回憶的安排　一幕一幕的對白　上演我們的未來
期待原來是一種傷害　深愛的人一離開　是我不敢忽略你給我的愛

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手 請你看看我　真的需要你的我　只要你回頭

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手 請你看看我　真的需要你的我　只要你回頭

学不会

我相信愛能證明一切 夠真心會超越時間 多付出也多了喜悅 讓幸福蔓延
總是學不會再聰明一點 記得自我保護必需時候講些 善意謊言
總是學不會真愛也有現實面 不是誰情願就能夠解決
一次爭吵一個心依賴結累積著改變呀 內心疏遠足夠秒殺外表多濃烈
才發現愛不代表一切 再真心也會被阻絕

總是學不會再聰明一點 記得自我保護必要時候講些 善意謊言
不是學不會只是覺得愛〜〜〜太美 值得去沉醉 流淚



總是學不會....

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了 我痛得快死了

today is a black Friday (Friday the 13th).. well, i always like the number 13 since i'm born on the 13th. others feel is an unlucky number but i don't feel so. but just today, 13th January 2012 (Friday) since midnight, it seems like a mixture. is it a lucky day or an unlucky day.. the best way ever to start my day and waking up finding myself lost. i had a nightmare yesterday. i dreamt about myself getting into an accident. this isn't the first time i dreamt abt myself driving and involve in accident. i always dreamt that i'm driving and suddenly my eyes can't see anything in front. everything becomes black.. i can't go anywhere, i'm afraid if i continue to drive, i will knock into some things (cars or person or any infrastructures). i could only just stop, but also thinking that i will be knocked by some other cars..

i don't know will today be the worst day of my life for 2012, but this year, it didn't start off well at all.. after thoughts and discussion, things don't improve, it will be the same things again.. it doesn't feel good today at all. i could only fake my smile to others today as i always tell myself don't show my personal emotions in office.

in office now, just feeling lost. don't feel tired, don't feel hungry.. a good way to lose all those i gain in Dec, esp. from those Christmas and New Year gatherings with good food and buffets.. i have been skipping dinners recently.. probably by the time i want to eat is already past 9pm. i decided to not eat. well, hopefully just hope that i really did slim down rather than eat too much and have gastric from the binge eating and then not eating again.

i have an issue. which is torturing myself when i'm not feeling alright. i don't know this is to make myself feel better or to make myself understand the pain more.. sigh~~


能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我不能夠
不能夠 不愛了
吃不能吃 睡不能睡

愛太痛

吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭
人不像人 鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這 不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~


吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠
不能夠 不愛了

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我不能夠
不能夠 不愛了
吃不能吃 睡不能睡

please blog something abt my life this week.
School officially started on Tues. 2 modules, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
this week lessons ended early as is just an introduction for the week. but soon, i wil be loaded with assignments and stuff.

wed went for dental appt. this time, the dentist suggested to me to try to cut my gum higher as my smile are so gummy. so she say tried it first see if i like anot, before my teeth are done, she will do it again for me at no extra charges. got a very long needle for the injection (she inject at 4 locations) which is so so painful that i cant hold my tears. then she use this device which will give a burning smell. and really, my teeth look much bigger now. but the 4 spot injections just made me kind of scared to cut the gum after my whole process of braces is done.. damn.. why am i that weak.