the problem lies with me..

angry..? nope.. definitely not angry or piss off.. is more of sad and disappointed.. yes.. i like to grumble n complain and nag.. other than complains, i cant do anythings else.. or mayb i should just shut up.. i feel so yuan wang.. it was just a normal conversation when i complain things that i cant do.. end up.. making ppl lost their temper on me.. guess is my fault ba.. for complaining things again and again and again.. always on similar issue over n over again.. take it as my fault ok.. i wun wanna go KL or Genting with u.. what for i spent my money on places that i go before le.. and i doubt i go there i will feel like a holiday.. just dun go for any holiday ba.. and i got the super strong feeling if we 2 go for a short holiday. we confirm will quarrel de.. so might as well dun go ba.. i prefer to save that money for some diving trip or places that i feel more worth it ba.. whether or not u learnt diving, i wun pressure u anymore.. u dun learn then i just go dive with others.. u learn we can dive together.. so it doesnt matter to me..

as for the issue of always repeating the same issues to complain on.. sometime it does mean it really affect me.. as for this road trip or holiday.. i can only complain.. other than that i cant do anything and u know it best that i'm just complaining n i definitely wun stop u for going.. but dunno what is the reason, or maybe u tahan for too long liao. this time u just lost ur cool and mayb i stress u too much.. or mayb i didnt realise i'm stressing you.. so now i can let u know.. i dun wan/wish to go KL or Genting with u when u are back coz i will be going there in 1 week plus time.. u can say i just stubborn or what.. is my fault.. mayb i expected too much.. u say wanna go holiday with me i just look for different locations to go.. but i guess in the end, i will give it a miss.. i nv say is ur fault to go to NZ without me and u know very well that at that point of time, my passport dun allow me to go to NZ frm australia as i can only go back SG with that soon to expired passport. so u carry on with ur plan of NZ so i can plan my own activities. to be frank, at that point of time of ur NZ trip, i wasnt into ur life/mind. sometime i feel that u are selfish too.. come to think of that time, u didnt wanna commit but u still wanna give me hope and ask me dun give up on u.. but when am i important in ur life..? or when it starting..? or did it start..?

yes.. i always complain about the ways u treat ur friends and me.. maybe is coincidence.. it just happened to be u going out more with them than me.. so now come back to the issue of repeating.. which girlfriend can be so understand to the extend that her boyfriend seldom has time for her.. i know study is ur main focus and i wun complain on that coz i know that is the main purpose of our life at that point of time.. what about ask yourselves.. "How often or how much time you spend with me as a couple in a week or maybe a month?" is bcoz i stay at ur hse and u think that is counted as company.. ok.. that can be company.. but with u studying and i try to get myself busy with facebook and games coz u are studying.. i dun blame that.. but other than that.. what else or where else did we do or go.. i know u are a student so the time u spent on ur studies i cant fight for that.. but when u are free, i must be free.. just like when u wanna commit then i must be there.. sometime i just feel i must suit ur life ur timing.. i dunno.. i just feel very heartache now.. is all started with my sms to u to ask how is ur day/holiday.. now.. i feel so sad.. i nv tell u before.. yes.. is i like u first but u didnt like me at that point of time.. but when i wanna leave and go off.. u come to me n tell me dun give up on u and give u more time.. and i gave u plenty or more than enough time.. i say u are selfish in the sense that u get hold of the person that like u but u dun commit but u dun wanna let go.. then she choose to stay put there to wait for u.. u still need her to push u.. sometime it just makes me wonder, why do u ask me to be ur girlfriend..? is it because of peer pressure or is it because u wan someone to be beside/behind u.. but sometime.. i just dun feel ur initiative and ur commitment to me.. or maybe.. is i expect too much from u.. or maybe.. i just feel neglected coz our r/s have been this way always.. we nv go dating as a normal couple bcoz we passed by that stage during the "ai mei" period.. or mayb.. during that period, we also nv really go out much..

another thing is.. i dun mind waiting.. but can i dun be always the silly one that wait and wait.. how long have i waited.. how much time i have spend waiting.. wait for ur assignments to submit to have more time for me.. wait for u to come home and eat dinner with me.. wait for u to finish study for the night to have few more minutes to talk to me just before u dozed off when chatting.. wait for ur exams to be over to have more time for me.. wait for u to feel to commit.. i dun mind waiting.. but can it at least make me feel the waiting is worth it.. i nv said u dun loved me.. i can feel ur love.. but sometime.. that feeling is more of occasionally.. i know u wish to have more time for me.. but sometime.. i just feel ur words dun go with ur actions.. or maybe.. is back to me.. i expect too much.. or maybe.. is me who dunno how to handle relationship.. is me. who dunno how to express my thinking and feeling.. is me who cant communicate well.. is me.. who dunno how to be a understanding gentle and accommodating girlfriend.. is me.. who just want so much things that make the other person stress and pressure.. is me.. i know.. the problem lies with me..

so just take a break.. u enjoy ur holiday and me.. just work hard for my cash.. take care and good night..

IDIOTIC HDB PARKING..!! just like the government.

damn pissed off.. went to my friend's hse yesterday to play poker at night. i even put $2 parking coupon as it is the sum for night parking. then i still kena summoned.. is $50.. argghhh.. the multi-storey carpark is not for public parking at night anymore.. there is a red board that hide below the lighted board to indicate "reserved for season parking from 10.30p to 7am" idiot.. so what, i cant park at car there at night anymore.. i cant visit my friends/relatives overnight..? why is the government so idiot n stupid.. and best thing is, the board is not eye-catching at all.. *argghhh.. so there goes $50 for parking there.. i guess i wun wanna go to HDB anymore.. where got so idiot or stupid le.. u cant visit people overnight n best, maybe u shouldn't even drive... *argghhh*..

a special day..?

today is a weird day.. or maybe shouldn't use the word weird.. is more of just kind of different feeling.. today i woke up for work.. just grad my shoes (in a plastic bag) and put in my bag and just went for work.. only when i alight at the station to change my shoes, then i realise i took the wrong pair/plastic bag.. i wanted to wear flats today but instead i bought my high heels out.. i got no choice but to wear that high heels for work today.. suppose to meet shuting, junxiang and yiwei for lunch but last min shuting's boss came down for her meeting so she cant leave early.. so end up only me, jx and yw went for lunch.. and today weather was super annoying.. before i left the office for lunch i look outside i saw that thick layer of black/grey clouds but the next moment i took the lift down to the lobby, it was raining super heavily so i got to go upstair to take my colleague umbrella to use. then when i got the umbrella, the rain ceased.. *arghh.. nvm.. then while waiting for jx and yw for awhile, the rain stopped.. *arghhhh..* this is irritating lor.. waste my time only to take the umbrella n walk ard with it..

then today after work after to go home straight.. only on the train then i remember tonight got no dinner.. ya.. my family went out for movie (Michael Jackson's movie) but i didnt join them la.. coz i think i will feel weird plus i'm not s fan of Michael Jackson.. hmm.. no dinner means got to da bao home.. so today i alight at Tampines instead of Pasir Ris(coz i got more bus to take).. so i decide to go Tampines Mall to da bao Tori-Q.. then after da bao walk to bus interchange.. then see got those store/carts that sell accessories, clothes and handphones accessories n stuff.. then i stop at this store coz i saw 'sock' for my ipod nano.. although i wanna customise a case for my ipod so i just buy a cheap sock for the time being so that i can bring my ipod nano out instead of the heavy/bulky creative Zen vision W that i have.. then i was looking at those colourful socks then got this guy or maybe i should say boy who are helpers/sale assistant for the store who greet me and ask me "xiao jie, ni yao shen me" (Miss, what are you looking for), then i was like i'm just looking ard.. to my surprise/shock, i look up, this guy looks kind of familiar but i also not sure i know him anot.. but i'm just a person who dun like to stare/keep looking at guy.. so i nv take another look.. then the boss came over n serve me.. this guy was serving another customer.. then suddenly this guy/boy look at me again and say "yenwei jie jie, ni hen jiu mei you lai zhao wo le" i was kind of stunned/shocked, this time i took another look at this guy which i definitely know he is a sec sch kid. then i realise, he was boon jie (yong jie who i know him as). he is yongzhen's brother. i was stunned.. he grew stronger and lost some weight.. i didnt recognise him at the start until he called me.. actually it just feel kind of weird still.. talking to ur ex-boyfriend's brother.. but ok la.. he is a nice guy.. then he ask me why i come back nv go find him.. then i was like "eh.." then i wanted to go off liao then he tell me this saturday his birthday, of course i rmb coz is 7-11 (birthday date). then he ask me go his house.. which i was like "eh..." then i ask him "you having party?" luckily he said "no" if not, i also dunno how to reject him.. but anyway, this weekend i also not ard i will be in Malaysia.. hmm.. maybe i should pay his mum a visit coz he threatened to tell his mother. ok la.. i do respect his mother.. just a different mother feeling.. anyway.. i share discuss this with darling first coz it dun sound good to go ur ex-bf hse..

ok.. after that i went to take bus 29. while queue for the bus.. i saw some secondary school mates.. i dun really remember his/their names just like they dun remember mine.. but if not wrong i think one of them is called Chee Yong, or maybe i rmb wrongly =x haha.. anyway.. alighting at tampines is just a different feeling, will have familiar faces and people ard u.. is good n bad though coz i wanted to stay low profile for the time being =x heez..

ok.. to be serious.. i was not even ask for any suggestion or opinion.. or given any choice.. and now.. i got to pay for it.. i find it kind of ridiculous.. but end of the day.. i will still pay for it..

to me.. li shang wang lai is only to ppl who i'm not close to..
to my close friends, i dun mind giving them everything.. just to make them happy.. and not asking anything back for return..
but to some, i just feel ...... ....... ....
dun ask me what is it.. i dunno how to describe or express..
hate it when is un-fairness.. or maybe bias-ness..
and i dun see why should i.. it might not make any sense to u people..
but i just wanna say it out..
i just dun like fake people..
i hate them..

work...

due to some factors, i don't like coming home..
just like those times in secondary school and poly...
everything was fine until some factors keep rubbing in..
and now.. things are back to the 'same'..
same as previously.. this tells one thing..
things can never change or get better..
even if you try to.. you are trying too hard..
you shouldn't have tried at all..
so.. don't try and never try again in the future..
coz we just know..
things never change..

after some talk things out session,, things are getting better..
i'm alright and fine always..
is just that i'm that kind of person that must rant n complain then i will feel better..
i still accept things as they are.. is just that i need to complain.. that's all..

寂寞的感觸⋯⋯

回頭看了看，好想沒人能讓我訴苦，也沒人在這個難過的日子，讓我抱 一抱。 現在只想要被你緊緊抱在懷裡，但我卻看不見你的蹤影，感覺不到你的氣息。

現在的我，心好痛好痛。我是多麼希望你就在這裡，可是，你卻不在⋯⋯

其實，是我讓你失望了，但你也一樣，讓我好失望，好心痛。畢竟是我的錯，我沒權向你生氣，但我很難過。難過得想哭，難過得讓我的心很痛，難過得睡不著，到現在我的心還是隱隱作痛。該如何是好？我也不知道。

暫時的我，只想把自己關在自己的世界裡，誰都不想管。可能是我小題大作，但我被我自己說得話影響了。

分開了兩個星期，這是第一次我們 “吵架” 。你夠大方，不把我說得爛話放在心上，但我卻被你當時的反應給弄傷了。不是你的錯，是我自己的問題。 分開了兩個星期，感覺你越來越遙遠，我們 “見面” 和 “談話” 的次數和時間也減少了許多因為我們個忙個的。我不希望有一天我們醒來，再也感覺不到對方。我知道不會發生的。

我好累了，是時候就寢。晚安。好多感觸的一晚⋯⋯

REJECT..!!!

rejected by MOE..
and i know the reason..
i cause it.. i ask a question i shouldn't have ask..
or give them the idea that i shouldn't have give..
i also dunno is it a good or bad news..
haiz.. i'm just confused..
anyway.. that means i got to find a proper job le..
haiz..

sorry that i offended u but i never meant too..

waited for so long and it ended with an awkward mood.. really feel like crying now..
it ended without me feeling ur presence..
sorry that i offended u but i don't mean too..
haiz.. troubles also come from my mouth..
maybe i should have talk less coz i am never able to transmit my idea to u properly..

maybe shouldn't have started it then it wun end in that weird mood..
and my heart hurts and is really painful now..
how am i going to sleep now in order to wake up for work tml..
this time my eyes get watery not because i miss you..
but suddenly i cant feel u.. and i really feel lonely..
empty. emotional. lonely. sad.
wo bu xiang kou.. bu ke yi..
wo yao heng jian qiang..
ke shi wo hai shi kou le..

nights..
my night just ended this way....

Work @ AVIVA Ltd

being working at AVIVA Ltd as temp admin for 3 days le..
very tired coz got to wake up early in the morning and go home late at night..
and just for that pathetic little pay.. haiz..
so sian..
i need a permanently job.. anyone got any lobang..
dun ask me do sales.. i cant sell things..

kind of tired very early plus abit lonely..
sian.. i prefer aussie life..
those relax lifestyle..
is because i need the money if not i wun force myself to work 1 week plus after i get back to SG..
but i need even more money..
i got stuff that i wanna get.. that i wanna buy..
but i got no $$ =(
haiz.. back to reality.. my certificate is not bringing me anywhere..
i dunno.. so "fan"..!!
ok.. enough of grumbling time to orr orr liao..
nights..

went for MOE interview today..
for Physical Education and Chemistry (Secondary school level).
this has been bothering me for very long..
should i or should i not take up the offer..?
i dun mind taking up the offer but i was thinking that maybe i can work in science industry for a year or so before i step into teaching line..
which mean is a defer of studies but then the interviewers say that they will want the student to go into NIE within one year to get the relevant training..
haiz.. i really dunno..
i dunno what i want in my life.. haiz..
the best option is that i can defer but they are not happy with that..
so what should i do now..?
haiz..
i think i was too rush for my application..
i never think of my future that in depth yet..
if i'm not going to take up the offer..
i think i will be blacklisted by MOE le..
coz it will be the 2nd time i reject them..
first time is for the Chinese language at Primary School level..
haiz.. how how..?
i wanted to get myself a job.. but now there is one..
but i still cannot decide whether to take it anot..
haiz..
life.. why do i need to make decisions..
i hate making decision when i have no idea what i want..
how.. what should i do..?

back in SG

back for 4 days..
life is kind of boring.. hoping to get a temp job first in order to save money to go for holiday =x
heez..
have been skype-ing with my darling..
but then everytime skype everytime will tear =(
haiyo.. also dunno why..
must be strong..
just like what i comment on my facebook..
i thought i wun miss you that much but actually i miss you alot..
maybe is that we always have each other by our side..
now suddenly have nobody there, feel very sad..
the 'empty' feeling..? the weird feeling?
i also dunno..
i only know i miss you and i really love you (*^_^*)
more than what i thought..
nevermind.. i will time will fly..
i will see you soon..
now got to find a job and save money to go for holiday..
hopefully Taiwan with miiee miiee..
muacks.. now is just waiting to see whether we will skype anot..
*sigh*
i miss you darling..!!

sometime i know i might not do thing the correct way..
but can you stand in my shoes and feel for me...

do things differently.
think things differently.
see things differently.
that's why we are different.

ok. lame..

Leaving Australia in 9 days =(

in 9 days time i'm flying home..
come to think of it, i have already been in Australia for 2 years and 2 months..
time really flies..
i have complete my Bachelor and Honours when it just feel that yesterday i just fly to Brisbane alone on the plane to this weird place where there are only 2 faces that i know (xiaoying and michelle)
but now.. i made so many friends although more than 80% are Singaporean when I am suppose to know more Caucasian but i guess i know only 5 but none of them I am close with..
so what for i come overseas to study to know more Singaporean..?? weird right..

hmm..
i still have not finish packing my stuff to ship them back..
for the time being i already have 6 boxes of stuff and I believe i will have about 8 boxes at the end..
and i am thinking of my parent expression and comments when they see all my stuff..
i believe i will get nagging and scolding but then after all these, i still got all these stuff send back to me =x heez..

i made a to-do list before i get back to SG but i believe i might not be able to do them all but hopefully as much as possible ba..

To-do list: Harbour Town (Gold Coast), Direct Factory Outlets (DFO Airport), Belgian Beer Cafe (mussels), Oishi sushi @ Sunny Bank, havaianas flip flop, dinner at Jun Japanese-Malaysian Cuisine (chilli crab and stuff), Korean food (Hot Pot, BBQ etc), Cold Rock Ice-cream, Baskin and Robin Ice-cream...!!!!

RANT RANT RANT..!!

today I have mood swing again.. haiz.. sometime i just get very emotional.. dun ask me what's wrong, i also don't know what wrong.. am i angry with you? or disappointed? or sad? i just dunno.. i know i shouldn't complain.. compare to others, i am fortunate to have someone special there for me.. but then.. some time i just feel.. you weren't there at all.. you are always busy with your stuff and i know i must be understand coz you are a student.. studies are obvious more important.. but can i be selfish abit.. we rarely go out.. you rarely have time for me except maybe dinner time (only if you have time for dinner) or maybe just before you go to sleep, maybe just that 15-20 mins before you fall into deep sleep..

i always complain you dun have time for me..but i know on the other hand i must be understanding coz i know you are this kind of person.but sometime sometime, i really hope you can do something special or maybe surprise me once in a very very long while.. i nv ask you go out dating with me coz i know you got no time.i nv ask you out for movie or dinner coz i know even though i ask, i know what is the reply..sometime or most of the time, i'm just waiting.. waiting for you to be back.. but sometime when you are back, i also dunno what's the feeling.. just like one or few of our friends mention, only i can stand you.. only i can take it that my boyfriend (you) for not having time for me.. actually, i cant stand it also.. but i know i need to be a good girlfriend.. be understanding and not demanding so much time from you coz you rarely have time... haiz.. dun ask me what's wrong or what i'm feeling.. i really dunno.. just very confused of my feeling..

you are not a romantic guy.. you are also not those that understand words with underlining meaning.. you also dun get hints.. you also dun take notes of details and pay attentions to special stuff.. so what kind of guy are you..? i did ask myself.. we all know you are those rational guy who only promise things that you know you can do.. but have you ever realise you never make any promise to me.. that why i know i never ask you to do stuff, i rather depend on myself.. not promising things that you can't do is a good point.. but sometime, i just feel that our relationship lack of something.. i dunno what is it.. comparing all the couples that we both know, we know you are like none of them, that make it you.. but sometime a girlfriend will hope her boyfriend to be speical.. you dun sweet talk. you dun buy small little gift. you dun get my hint at times. you dun spend much time with me. you dun do special little gift. you dun promise me anything.

i know you might think that by saying these do i mean that there is nothing good about you. of course NOT..!!  i know you are a good guy. i know your good point but sometime  i do hope you could be better.. or maybe i shouldn't be that demanding.. or maybe is just that now i'm too bored, that's why i feel it this way. i don't know.. whatever it is, this entry is just for me to rant.. it just for me to say out what i'm feeling coz i know i'm not very good in expressing my feeling and emotions and i know i might lose my temper when trying to explain things to you. is not that i'm impatience is just that sometime things can be express clearly with words you know.. sometime i do hope you can understand my feelings just by a few words and not asking me to express myself coz i just cant.. i do hope you could be like my friends that could understand my thinking and feeling without repeatedly asking me the same question like "what's wrong" coz i really cant explain.. i know it takes time for one to understand one emotion and feeling.. but i really hope soon you understand me and i hope i will understand you too...

darling, i still love you.. is just that sometime i get very pissed off with myself for not being able to convey my message and the meaning that i want to tell you or maybe i just very pissed off or disappointed why you just dun understand what i'm trying to tell you.. that is why i lose my temper with you cause as my boyfriend, you should understand me much more better than anyone except my close friends like shuting n janice.. so the next time i lost my temper it might be because i am angry with myself not being able to express my thoughts to you or maybe it could be really you who make mi angry.. cause if i keep trying to tell you the same thing over and over again.. then i just cant understand why you cant understand what i'm trying to say.. i know i need to be patience with you coz you still don't get my message or meaning everytime.. hopefully in the near future you will get it..

ok.. enough of my ranting, time to bath.. and i'm feeling much better after typing all these out but i don't know when will you see this.. but dont be angry. i'm not wrong this to complain about you.. i'm just trying to let myself see things in 2 different sides.. i wan to be a understanding girlfriend but on the other hand, i wan to be selfish at times too =x that is why i can be angry with myself coz when i wanna be selfish, the understanding me know that is my own fault so i shouldn't be angry.. but when i am understanding, the selfish me will ask why shouldn't i be selfish.. sigh.. it is just contradicting..

Complain complain...!!!

complain time..!!

this entry is specially for Sean Chong Yong Sheng..!!
so angry with you..
people purposely continue to stay in aussie till my visa's last valid..
but then..
you you.. never even got time to accompany me..!!
arghhhh..
so angry..
everyday wait till 2+3 am for you to come home but by then i already tired le..
plus when you come back from uni, you still doing your sch work..!!
sometime wanna ask you to accompany me out shopping, walk walk or what i also dun dare..
or maybe should say i know if i ask you, i also know then answer so i might as well dun ask..
also dunno why i am still her, i might as well go back home (singapore)..
sometime make mi so angry, maybe i should have went home that time..
you always don't have time for me..
so angry so angry..
i know you got assignments to submit so i also got no choice but just let it be..
school work is more important - this one i know.
but sometime just feel abit unfair..!!
arghh..
but i know i guess nag nag n scold scold but after that i will feel better though NOTHING change..
but nevermind, i'm getting use to it..
that's why i never jio you go out =x
okok.. time to cool down..
know you tonight got to chiong finish you assignment which is due tml..
jia you ba..

as for me..
is another lonely day and night..
haiz.. so sian and boring..
everyone around got school work/assignments..
i'm the only free one..
so even wanna ask ppl to go out..
i doubt there is any coz everyone is busy..
haiz..

Yong Sheng Scam Day (YSSD) 05/09/09 =)

hmm.. seem like is the template that i was using previously got problem that why lead to my blog not showing up.. change to a simple template to try out and seems that it works.. so i will keep to this simple template first before i start customizing my own template =) heez..

yesterday was a very nice day.. i was suppose to 'fly' back to singapore yesterday at 2.45 PM flight.. but but.. i did went to the airport, i did 'check-in' my luggage and i did 'fly'.. heez.. before i head to the airport, i already did early 'check-in' of luggage to Depper street (Shi Jian's place) =).. and after that send me off at airport, i 'fly' to Club Mitre =pPp with all these plans, we all success in SCAMMING Yong Sheng Chong.. i arrived in 'Singapore" at about 11.30 PM.. the 'Singapore' that we are talking is La Dolce Vita (Italian Coffee place at Milton).. and best of all, i call yongsheng and tell him i going to La Kopi then he ask me go where la then i tell him beside him.. and guess what, he didn't even bother to look beside him when I have already stand beside him to talk on the phone for about 30 sec to 1 min le and he did not feel it at all.. but it was a fun SCAM =)

so it makes 5th September 2009 an official Yong Sheng Scam Day (YSSD)..!! thanks everyone who participate in this scamming process and i know all of you enjoy to Scam YongSheng =) haha..

and thanks all those who gave me my belated birthday present and farewell gift: Ipod Nano (product Red).. is nice nice.. thank you.. is what i need to motivate myself to go jogging alone.. thanks everyone =)

still feeling very tired aft all these days of irregular sleeping hours and trying to pack my stuff before i " fly off " yesterday.. body clock isn't working very well now.. sleep very late at about (2+ 3am) but can wake up at 8+ am in the morning then cant slp back le.. haiyo.. sian..