i blocked my calendar for that day but i still don't know if i'm going.. it feels as though i can't fit myself into the group chat although all have left that chat group. i really don't know what to do..

i... sigh~~

i already don't know..

why is it when people feel so happy with the festive season coming while i feel so emotional unstable with this festive season.. it felt as though this wasn't any happy festival..

all i want now is to cry out loud and hard.. all i want know is to think, know, do say whatever.. all i want now is to solve, settle and move on for a better future.. all i need now is a super long, tight and comfy hug but that can't be possible.. all i need to do for now on is to work, study and live happily.. but why, i could feel the shouldn't be feeling. but why i feel so insecure. but why i feel so uncertain. and i have yet to find the goal of my life even as 2011 is coming to an end.. why is it that i feel that my life is wasted. why is it that i feel i shouldn't be living in this world.. and why i just think that i'm a nuisance and burden.. why i think i'm of no value-add.. why i feel all these and of nothing good.. and why i look so optimistic in front of many many but when night comes and i'm alone in my room, i feel so pessimistic. and i still don't know which is the real me.. i have been in split personality for many years till i got mixed up which is which.. when i laugh and smile, most of the time is from the bottom of my heart, but sometime, it was to make others life better..

i told myself that i cant be a negative emotion influence, i must be of a positive influence. happiness, laughter, craziness should be those that come from me, although i think i brought a lot to other, but it must be consistent.. which this carrying on of happy during day time, at work, aft work, going out but emotion during night, i guess i will see a new friend call Depression..