depression

it has been long since i last blogged.. this time, i blogged because i don't know who to talk to...

as many will know, i turned from a cheerful, bubbly and happy person to someone who is quiet and will self-isolate myself from friends' gathering and start thinking that actually my friends aren't close to me and they don't need me..

months and years, this becomes worse and till a stage whereby i can't control my emotions at work whereby i do break down.. i start to not meet any of my friends anymore coz i feel that i lost all of my friends and to be truthful to myself, i have no close friends coz i'm not a good friend either.. staying in the negative emotion and thinking, my days and thinking got worse.. and now, i'm having depression.. i know i have symptoms for it but when the doctor confirmed that i have depression, the very moment, my tears just can't help but kept dashing out.. doctor asked me many questions, regarding my life, my work, my relationship with friends/family/love relationship/colleagues.. and after 10-15 mins of intense getting to know me and my situation, she concluded that i'm having depression.. 

it might start or even start before i end the previous relationship but i'm able to suppress for a few months.. but when pressure and unhappiness start to build up from my previous r/s and work and other factors like my skin illness, i can not longer control my emotions.. i told the doctor that my boss say i must control my emotion, but she says that i shouldn't, if not my depression will get worse.. my work environment did add on to the depression.. just that now, i no longer can control my emotions. i don't want to bring personal emotion to work, i dont want to be seen as bringing negative emotions to office, but somehow, i can no longer be happy..

i know i'm not happy.. not happy from inside.. yet i still have to look happy to others.. i feel so tired and stressful.. in the past, i can tell my bf or my close friends of my worries and unhappiness.. i can voice out and show my emotion rather than suppressing it.. now, i have nobody to talk about it.. or even if there is, i can't seem to talk.. i can't express myself out and this makes me frustrated. all i need and want is to have someone who understand and know me well even if i can't express out myself, they will know what i mean and want.. but now, somehow, there isn't such a person.. tell me, how can i be happy again.. anti-depressant can help? i guess it only solve current issue but don't remove the root of it.. sigh.. i have no more close friends.. i have nothing to look forward to.. in the past, i look forward to marriage, the house of my and my future hubby, the days to look forward to.. but now, i dont see a future.. i can't even see myself in 3 years time.. tell me, why do i even get depression??