i just want an end to tis...

i cant study.. nothing can go in.. nothing.. i moving very slow.. this carry on i confirm will flung will fail my exam de.. i realli cannot take it le.. i cant study.. i cant carry on with my life.. i realli cant.. i realli very tired le.. i realli cant take it le.. i realli cant take it anymore.. i got alot alot to study but everyday i'm just stoning.. i just staring at the ceiling.. i look at the notes.. the page stay on n on.. nothing can go in.. nothing can.. if tis carry on.. can i just end it here.. i wun get anything done de.. not my life not my study.. nothing will be done.. nothing can be done.. can i just end it.. can i.. i cant even study properly now.. is worse than before.. at least previously i could listen to lectures but now i cant even study for my exam.. i'm not moving.. not moving.. even if i'm moving.. i'm moving too slow le.. i wun make it for my exam de.. my head going to burst le.. y the cycle goes on n on.. i dun wanna feel sick.. i dun wanna feel that my head going to burst.. i dun wanna feel my stomach very weird.. i dun wanna wake up everyday n feel like vomiting.. i dun wan all tis feeling.. i dun wanna feel not hungry at all.. i dun wanna feel that food is sickening n no appetite for that.. i dun wanna feel my heart pain.. i dun wan.. i dun wan all tis feeling..

every morning wake up ask myself "what m i living for" "wat do i wan from my life".. i dun wan anything.. i wan nothing.. i dun wan anything n i'm living for nothing that i wan.. i living for others.. i dun wan.. i realli very tired le.. i live for myself once.. but that 1 time is too hurting le.. i dun wanna live le.. i realli dun wan le.. i wanna be successful.. i wanna do well in my degree n get something out of it.. but it seems like that isn't wat i wan afterall.. i just follow the paths that life should be.. either study if not work.. there is nth i wan from my life.. NOTHING.. i realli very tempted by the "sweets" i realli feel like just taking that n i will not be in this state anymore.. i no need to feel all the feeling that i dun wan.. i no need to go thru' the cycle of pains of head bursting heart ache again n again.. is a non-stop cycle.. i dun wan any of it anymore.. i just wanna leave.. i keep trying to stay on for wat.. stay on for others.. not for myself.. there is nothing in tis world that make mi wanna stay.. nothing.. before i slp every night.. i look at those "sweets" i realli feel like taking it so i could have a good sleep.. i nv slpt well.. slpt at 2 wake up at 5 then at 6 at 7 etc.. i nv could get a good sleep that i used to haf.. i could nv slp thru' out the night.. i just wan some good sleep.. i just dun wan any of tis now.. i dun wanna study le.. i cant study anyway.. i cant even study for my exams.. nothing can go in.. then study for wat.. i noe if i give up now every1 will hate mi for being selfish for being useless for wasting their time n efforts.. but i realli cant le.. i keep telling myself to carry on.. tell myself "yenwei just awhile more u can make it thru' de.. dun give up now.. if not watever u haf been fighting for in the past is wasted".. but how long more i can bluff myself to carry on.. how long more can i cheat myself.. how long more do i haf to lie to myself to carry on.. nothing can carry on.. i keep telling myself to go thru' tis everything will be fine le.. as long as i go out of tis shadow get out of tis.. i will be fine le.. but i'm still stuck.. still inside the dark shadow.. it haf been weeks.. weeks of suffering n pains.. how long more.. i realli cant take it le.. i realli hope i haf taken those pills weeks ago.. i realli hope i haf.. then no more of tis pains.. the pains nv cease.. it nv.. to u everything seems so easy.. how can i carry on like tis. i cant.. i dun wanna go thru' all tis pains n end up still failing my exam.. it will be better if i end it now at least i no need to see how disappointed u guys r with mi when noe i fail my exam. i just wanna be selfish.. i just wanna be..

that day i open 2 pills le.. y didn't i open everything n just eat them... y didn't i.. y u stop mi.. y did u stop mi from having my pain-killer.. u stop mi from taking that but u nv release my pain.. u nv... i realli dun mind eating them now.. is not i dun haf the courage to eat them.. if i can dun care abt anything i will eat it now.. i realli will eat it.. n i hope i can just eat them now.. is also not bcoz there is things in tis world that make mi wanna stay.. y when i wanna die i oso must think wat happen if i realli just go away like tis.. my family will how.. my friends will how.. but sometime i realli hope i no need to think for others.. no need.. just think for myself now.. just end it.. i realli wanna end it.. i realli very tired le.. i dun wanna carry on with tis.. i dunno when i'll do that silly things that every1 is saying.. but is not silly.. i choose that coz i realli get very tired with my life.. since young i haf that thought le.. my life nv been good.. there is nothing in the world that make mi wanna stay n carry on fighting n stay strong.. it used to haf.. but now.. it make mi feel like leaving the world now.. i realli wan to.. if i nv do well for my exam i think i'll end it straight.. i dun wanna carry on le.. is not worth carrying on.. just like not worth carrying on loving u.. is not worth carrying on with my life.. there is nothing that i'm successful in or nothing that make mi proud of n make mi wanna carry on.. there is nth for mi to fight.. if now my mother pms scold mi n saying mean stuff like ask mi go n die.. i think i will do it straight away.. last time she always kao pei mi always shoot mi.. i die die oso dun wanna do wat she sae wanna fight back.. but now.. i dun feel the need to fight back.. i realli fight till i very tired le.. last time there is some force pushing mi.. now.. i refused any force le.. i dun wanna fight anymore.. walking on the street or crossing the road.. i realli hope i can be knock down by a car n just die.. at least i end my life but i nv do anything silly is just an accident.. sometime i realli hope i walk on the street something drop n hit mi n i bcome retarded or forget everything.. that will be fine too.. or like wat nicholas sae.. ask shuting "uncle" for some water.. 忘情水.. that will be great.. but who noe the formula for that.. can i realli haf some.. i realli wanna forget everything.. forget everything n start my life all over again.. if not then i choose not to be born.. i just wanna get out of tis.. i realli very tired le.. i fighted for my life for so long but nth in done.. i'm just a failure la.. i fight for some long le.. can i rest now.. i dun wanna fight anymore.. i realli wanna rest.. rest forever.. can some kind souls scold mi n tell mi everything n sae things like mi go n die better.. then at that point.. i will be thankful to u.. nobody will blame u for tt de.. u r just being good n choose to let mi not suffer anymore..


3 days to 1st exam paper. 13 days to last exam paper.
16 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? i just wanna end it.. end my life..