is just habit, used to it, rather have it than lost it.. is just companion, it is not love.. u are affected because u lost someone who will care n worry abt you, not because u lost someone who you love and want to have her by the side for the rest of your life.. is different.. really different.. we got to face the fact that this isn't a love relationship.. it seems more like making use of each other to satisfy the needs n wants.. like i always say, this isn't the kind which so in love and so want to be together and not separated.. this is not the case..

i know i'm harsh and cold now.. i guess i'm tired already.. i dont know how many time of this cycle i got to go thru'.. u refuse to grow up, mature and really improve our situation by facing those issues. we dont solve issue, so we cant nv grow strong together, hence making our r/s not strong at all.. i have been thru this cycle too many times till i'm going to be numb n really heartless.. u dont know what u want in life, what u want.. u dont want to improve, solve our issues and just letting the issues present there.. they surface up always and this make me feel irritated that why after months, the issues (not all, but i wish at least some) are really solved and so we can move forward together... but no.. it never been that case all these while.. u keep saying u will change, some day.. u need more time, u are slowly but at least is improving n changing.. but i can only say it is too little n slow, it wasn't enough to make me want to stay or wait any more longer.. like i always tell u, after 6 months, after 1 year or i give u even more time, u will not change much.. coz u feel there wasnt anything wrong n thinking that i will still be there.. sorry, for this time, enough is enough.. thank you for not abandoning me (although i wish if u did that, things might be much simpler) during the tough time.. because i been thru what happen recently, it really makes me think through, think a lot and make me feel that i might be firmed already.. i might be depressed, i might be having some syndrome.. i dont know, but at least, this time, i know i might do the right thing, think the right way for myself and stop torturing myself with the waiting and expecting game.. it will never happen..

thank you for offering to be with me whenever i need.. but i guess is time for me to be strong, even if lonely, i might still carry on my life.. i can't forgive myself for some stuff that happen in my life.. even if i will be alone for life, some thing will just remain as a stain in my life as i feel it matters alot.. i think is my own fault for causing this to happen.. i won't blame anyone but myself. i know u are willingly to be with me after all these but to me, this isn't enough.. i cant be with a man who doesn't love me, doesn't like me (in ur case) enough to even want to change n improve himself urgently.. it just makes me feel very pathetic everytime i thought of being with somebody who doesn't love u.. perhaps, i just wasn't the one for u (i told u so).. i cant let myself love a man who doesnt love me, who is calculative in r/s.. because of ur action, u did make me not to love u that much, u make me take back my love and the thought of going all way out just for u.. maybe i just didnt love u enough too, hence making me so calculative too.. since u don't love me, i won't love u too, this was my mindset..

i need a man who can take care of me, know me well of what i want, what i don't want, what i'm thinking of, be there for me (not just physically), who i feel reliable n dependable, who i want to be with everyday and always.. i need a man who see love as much important as me, who want to see me everyday as much as i want to see him.. a man who communicate with me openly and care-freely.. i need a man who can be himself n me be myself when we are together.. a man who love me alot alot and treat me very importantly from the bottom of his heart. a man who has me in his plan and having our plan to work towards the same goals/targets.. a man who wants to be together with me as much as i want to be together with him.. i'm not looking for companionship but looking for a soulmate, life time partner, best friend, family.. a guy who plays a huge part in my life n who i turn to when i need help or just a hug.. i know i want too much.. i know there isn't such a person present.. but i still believe in love.. someday, i will meet someone who are like that, just right for me.. going all out for me like i go all out for him.. to me, love is very important.. i can do a lot for love..