went for company bowling event today.. something not very happy happened.. but is over.. so i shall not say anymore.. got 110, 85 and 128 for the 3 games.. i think 128 is the best score i have so far ba.. could be better.. got more strike but then those without strike i only hit 3-5 pins only.. so pull the score down.. tired already.. shall sleep now..

sat will be meeting xian xi regarding my insurance policies renewal and stuff at orchard.. maybe aft that can head to queensway to get a volleyball.. if not then is sunday ba.. see my mood then.. thats the only plan for weekend.. if not, is sleep =) shall make that my interest and hobbies as frequent as possible..



emo~~~

am I that special and important to you or am I not? or maybe is just that little but not too much.. well, i'm trying, trying to make myself pull away.. sometime, i just make myself thinking through this and be happy.. but sometime, i can be very happy with how things are right now.. maybe.. i guesss maybe.. is time for me to be harsh to myself.. to forget about this.. i mean forget about this whole thing for now.. which might also mean, i will totally shut this window and walk away.. i believe i can do it.. maybe is tough, but.. better than anything else.. i will not want to treat anyone else good anymore.. i want to be a very selfish person and only think for myself, for my own benefits and not care about anyone else or anything else.. can I..? why am i always so concern about what others say.. what others might think.. why am i always living for others.. living to others' expectation.. living to make others happy or to make their life better.. but why.. why i don't see myself in all these..? i'm always searching for my goals and targets in life while others are already working towards their targets and goals.. people have plan for future.. but for me.. i see no light..

now, i have this thought: "others know what are their goals, targets and plan for their life.. while me, my goal is to find the goals and targets in my life.." isn't this funny..? no goals, no targets, no aims, no plan.. so what am I living for..? i guess i'm living to search for that, maybe till i'm old and die, i still yet to find them..

i'm starting to have the feeling of missing somebody.. isn't a good feeling, i do like and dislike this feeling cause it feels as though i'm dependent on that somebody which I shouldn't be, cause thing shouldn't be like this.. ohh well, i will be very rational and tell myself of "missing someone is stupid and crazy, don't be silly. wake up please".. yes, i'm that pessimistic.. i don't like the feeling of being at the losing end.. i don't like the feeling of being at disadvantage.. i don't like the feeling that others will think that they will affect me and take advantage of that.. i don't like to suffer.. so, to make myself to going through all these "don't like", i will make myself not to face this situation ANYMORE..!! i will leave and go.. i will.. i will be harsh and hostile.. i will.. i will disappear and never return cause, it was never a place meant for me.. i don't belong in there.. at the appropriate timing, all of the above will happen when i really feel so.. and this time, when the decision is made, i will not regret or return.. cause the feeling of dangling here and there and not heading anywhere, i rather let go and walk alone..

i kind of miss the feeling that there was once this someone who want me very very much.. yes, i guess that should be a mutual feeling.. the person want you that much as to go all way out.. ideal situation is it works both way.. but in most situation, this is only a 'one-way traffic'... if you can't find that feeling of wanting someone that much, let that person go and let yourself go.. don't hold on to something which you know can't work.. treat yourself and that person good, letting go is probably better than holding on.. that's the reason why i have that courage to let go of that someone who want me and treat me that well, but, i couldn't find that much much feeling back to him.. so i guess, if things can't work, let go to let each other find their happiness.. i'm telling myself this so i won't be that stubborn holding on to things that i know might not work.. although sometime i do want to fight for it, but sometime i'm just afraid it's just a 1-sided thinking.. there's a saying : "fight for your wants and needs".. but.. it is like a tough and lonely fight.. and sometime, i just choose not to fight and just walk away from that.. yes, that's me.. not that confident in most stuff.. live in my own world of denial.. denial of those good stuff that people tell me..