me...

didn't sleep well..
edited my presentation slides..
slept at 5am in the morning..
wake up at 7 plus am..
went back to sleep..
but just wake up every 10 minutes..
haiz..
the feeling suck..
just suck..
i'm tired..
i know i need to sleep.
i need to rest..
but..
that mind of mine..
never rest..
thinking too much things..
wanting it to rest..
fighting it to rest..
but my body only win the battle for 2 plus hours..
and i'm awake..
is really the "what the" feeling..
haiz..
waking up every 10 minutes is torturing..
cant getting to sleep in the night is tiring..
only manage to fall asleep near dawn..
but only afford that few hours sleep..
before i got to go to school..

whenever is the "down" period of my life..
this thought will come to my mind..
"is this what you want?"
"what do you really want?"
i never find the answer..
or maybe there is answer to it.
but changing it always..
always finding or doing stuff..
just the way others want..

"when will you live for yourself?"
i did ask myself that..
actually..
i did live for myself once..
live the life that i want..
know what i want..
but..
when i lost what i wanted most..
it seems to me i lost the whole world..
maybe is too exaggerating..
maybe i just lost my life with that..
lost myself with that..
i know i got to find myself back..
but instead of something pushing me forward..
i found myself being pulled backward..
or maybe.. i'm just not moving at all..

i'm 21 le..
21 years of life..
found myself during some of the years.
but lost myself for many years too..
maybe it doesnt make any sense to others..
but i know what i'm saying..
in some situation..
i found myself..
but in many situation..
i'm not there..
where did i go..?
where have i gone..?
i know where i was..
in my dreamland..
in my own world..
in the world that i want things to be like..
in the world..
that i won't see the coldness of the world..
in the world..
that i see only laughter, joy and enjoyment..
but that world..
only exist once in a very long while..
too long while..
that make mi lost myself ever more..
make mi not going to know myself anymore..
make me being the "me" that isn't me..

guess for the time being..
i don't intend to find back that original "me"
coz it will make my life more torturing
as the world that is around me
doest suit that "me" that was lost.
whether am i what i am now..
isn't that important for the time being..
living the life now..
that other wanted to..
living the life now that is better for my future..
in the future..
when i know that i can get back the "me"
i will find that back..
but i'm just afraid..
that "me" might be lost forever..



insomnia..
maybe need some sleeping pills..
but panadols cant be taken too often..
if not..
it won't work for in the future
as the system becomes immune to them..
muscle relax pills..
that come to my mind..
i have that before..
due to some reasons..
doctor gave it to me..
so that i can sleep..
but now..
i know i got to sleep..
even without the help of those pills..
.... ....
sleeping is always what i do..
when i'm bored..
when i can't think of stuff to do..
is just an enjoyment to me..
so..
i got to sleep..
no matter what..