a thought of my past relationship (the one n only post to end my year)
i will write this post maybe for just this last time. cause it has been bothering me and is inside me for the past 4 months but i dare not voice it out anywhere. maybe this should be the time whereby i just type and say everything out once and for all and maybe from then on, it will really remain as a past.
this is maybe the first formal post regarding the breakup with my ex-boyfriend, Mr Sean Chong Yongsheng. Maybe just let me write in more details for everything as this will most likely be the last time. alright.. it has been 4 months since the breakup which was initiated by me, yes it's me. i guess at the point of breakup was for the thought that it will be better for both as i wish to be fair to him. yes, we did got a BTO (Tampines GreenLeaf Block 522A Tampines Central 7 #16-05 Singapore 521522), a very prime and nice location. but even since the BTO was confirmed, my heart and mind were just in unease. maybe i can't handle the stress and uncertainties in my life, i just don't know what I want in my life. let me be frank. from Day 1 to the last day of our relationship (28-Jan-2009 to 25-Aug-2011), I'm true with all my feelings.. i love you much more than i expected. you made an impact in my life much more than we both thought. yes, you are the guy that company me through the thick and thin of life. you accompany me through my sad and hardest day in life, studies and always ensure me and provide me with suggestions and excepting every single little things about me. you are the man in my life that i always want to impress you, to surprise you with little gifts and "scrams" and every little things to make your life good and even better. i love those days we spent together, not only in Australia, but also in Singapore, Krabi, Taiwan and stuff. i like the feeling of being under your care. i feel so safe in your arms and you will protect me even if the sky falls. i just feel that with you around, there is nothing to be afraid or worried about. i know how important i was to you and how important you were to me, but i let you down. i let both our families and friends down. i might be letting myself down when i look at this in the future.
to say of letting go totally or moving on with my life, i will say "i have not yet succeeded".. whenever i see/hear those familiar places, common friends of ours, topics of our past, everything seems so sensitive and emotional. sometime i do can hold my emotions well and speaks (thinking that i've put it down) but sometime, it seems to be over my limit to be talking about all these peacefully. somehow, you still make me cry. yes, i know people will ask "why cry over spilt milk", especially you are the one who insist of flipping that plate of milk. i know, but somehow, it still makes an impact in my life. although everything about us has ended, it's over between us, but somehow I'm still so afraid of losing you, losing you totally (although more or less i've lost you totally). i do think of what happened if we were still together. sometime i do have the urge of getting back together with you but i know i shouldn't be as it is absolutely unfair to you. i hurt the man who love me the most and i love the most.
sometime when thinking back, i don't know what was in my mind that day when asking for a breakup. i wanted to have a cool down, i wanted to break away temporary as there is too much pressure and stress that i could handle. when at that point of time, i'm breaking, mentally. instead of facing the problems, i hide and run from them. perhaps i'm still not mature enough to handle all these, that is why i don't deserve such a good relationship and a good man. yes, i do regret as times, i do have the urge of getting back but i know, we can never be like the past anymore. our relationship has a deep deep scar. a scar that is caused by me and that i'm still recovering from. wherever i go, there is somehow pictures of us in the past. i spent a Christmas without you this year. it felt so different, is emotional too. but i know i got to get over with this totally and move on. i asked for it, even if there might be slight regret or doubts, i will move on with it. i don't deserve all these good stuff and i'm sorry and i really mean it. i'm really really really sorry about all these. somehow i wish i was mature enough to handle all these at that point of time. somehow i wish i could tell you all these before things got worse. somehow i do wish i wasn't that affect by my thoughts and emotions that i think i should be fair to you, so i left you.
as the year is coming to an year and i think i got to start my life afresh with the addition of studies to my life, i think i have to close this chapter in my life totally (although i really feel 捨不得. they are my happy times, beautiful memories that i wish to keep forever with me and not wanting to remove any part of it. but i realise by doing that, i couldn't let go totally, i couldn't move on totally. at this stage now, there is no more turning back, i will step forward and walk the path. it will be tough, it will feel extremely different and probably very difficult, but i got to do it and walk out of the past and probably removed you from my heart and mind..
sorry that i still can't meet any of our common group of friends. somehow i still cant, i'm not mentally prepare to handle all these, is very tough and i dont wish to breakdown in front of you or others.. any talk about BTO, marriage, everything will just make me emotional. wait till i have move on totally, when i'm not affected by it anymore, maybe that's when i can handle all those. yes, i don't communicate or ask people out for gathering. i will just stay home or work.. yes, i did lose something in my life. i cant find the motivation or target when work end. in the past, when work ends, i do look forward to meet you or in the weekends for us to meet even though we do nothing but just have each other by the side. somehow, you were the motivation and something that i look forward to each day. at least when i wake up every morning, i don't feel aimless.. but now, work and probably studies (in the future), will be my aim..
i know you always ask me about how's my private life, esp. with that guy. i could only answer you "we are still alright".. i guess no matter what i do, i am still unfair to both.. i cant be together with you and taking him totally out of me (maybe only possible after months), i cant be together with him and not think about you. i do talk to him about you. i guess by speaking out frankly to him that i still haven't let go totally and i think i still haven't move on totally. i didn't restrict myself for telling him how great you were, how well we were in the past.. but after everything, the sentence will be "that's the past already, things can't be the same anymore"...
you meant a lot to me but i let go of my hands. you made me cry, you made me happy, you make me feel so fortunate but i guess you never felt the same way of that to me anymore. sorry that i hurt you. sorry that i left you without a good reason (a insisted reason of wanting to find out what i want in my life).. although i always say and i will still say "我不知道你是不是我想要的，但你一定不是我不想要的"..
we already reach this stage with no turning back, so we got to move on (like what you always say). i will wish you all the best in everything you do or you want. you deserve someone much much better, esp. someone who will appreciate you, who will communicate and care for you.. we know the person can never be me anymore. we got to move on and probably if you will find one, i will be sad definitely. cause you were the man that i have spent so much time and effort on (you also put in a lot of effort on our r/s), i will be sad but i will be glad for you too at least, you find someone to secure your future with, who deserve you much more than me..
i will move on, totally. with the new year 2012, i will start to forget all the little single details about you. i will still keep part of it as memories and i don't wish to remove all.. my plan for the coming years and for the future is about work, studies and maybe future relationship. although i might still face the same issue with finding what i want in life and maybe still the same problem with my future relationships, i hope some days, i will find what i want in my life or maybe i will be single in the years to come. it hurts but i got to live with it for now as i choose this path.
this has been the longest post after so so long.. i love you and i miss you (this will be the last time i will say this as i will be moving on).. really thank you for every single little things, efforts and thoughts you have for me. i'm sorry for every single little things that i did to make you angry, disappoint and hurt you. This will be a "bye" post then a "see you again" post and i got to bury you deep deep down and maybe will dig you out in the future when i've move on or when i realise i can't live without you totally. life with you were much better but now i'm searching for a even better life that is without you as we cant never be like the past anymore..
i will welcome 2012 happily and will not bring out this topic anymore until i'm able to be smiling and chatting about this..
as for that "him" for now, you got to accept me for what i'm now. i'm still letting go of the past and moving on. if this issue bothers you, it can't be help as i'm not the type whereby i can say forget and just forget. i'm not the type that will just turn around and fall in love with another person and forget about the love that i once gone through so much hardship with. it took me probably one full year to forget the past past relationship so i can't be that fast to forget this relationship that impact me the whole of my life with so many tough times and hardship that were been through. it makes a scar in my life and memories that will stay forever.
i'm penning down all these thoughts and feeling inside me as i think i can't handle them anymore by trying to hide them or restrict myself from thinking or regrets but now, aft all these writing, it feels much better. i guess maybe this will be able to help me in letting go more as i don't feel that there is something that i didnt say out and stuff.. i'm moving, it might be slow, but i will still move and search for my goals.. all i could say to you now is a BIG BIG THANK YOU.. you made my life so great and make me learn and understand so many things for the past 2yrs7months. it is a loss of mine to lose you but i will want to bring to whoever will be my boyfriend/husband in the future, a Yenwei who is confident, and know what she wants for her life and make the bf/husband life better and not leave him anymore... who will love you whole-heartedly and commit her whole life to you..
although i still wish maybe some days, months or years down the road, we could still be together but i guess i won't let this thought be in me anymore if not i couldn't let go totally. i'm saying "bye" to the man that once love me so so much and a man that i fell so so in love with. goodbye to you.. it hurts but i hope for the better for you.. take care miiiee miiee, goodbye miiee miiee..
this is maybe the first formal post regarding the breakup with my ex-boyfriend, Mr Sean Chong Yongsheng. Maybe just let me write in more details for everything as this will most likely be the last time. alright.. it has been 4 months since the breakup which was initiated by me, yes it's me. i guess at the point of breakup was for the thought that it will be better for both as i wish to be fair to him. yes, we did got a BTO (Tampines GreenLeaf Block 522A Tampines Central 7 #16-05 Singapore 521522), a very prime and nice location. but even since the BTO was confirmed, my heart and mind were just in unease. maybe i can't handle the stress and uncertainties in my life, i just don't know what I want in my life. let me be frank. from Day 1 to the last day of our relationship (28-Jan-2009 to 25-Aug-2011), I'm true with all my feelings.. i love you much more than i expected. you made an impact in my life much more than we both thought. yes, you are the guy that company me through the thick and thin of life. you accompany me through my sad and hardest day in life, studies and always ensure me and provide me with suggestions and excepting every single little things about me. you are the man in my life that i always want to impress you, to surprise you with little gifts and "scrams" and every little things to make your life good and even better. i love those days we spent together, not only in Australia, but also in Singapore, Krabi, Taiwan and stuff. i like the feeling of being under your care. i feel so safe in your arms and you will protect me even if the sky falls. i just feel that with you around, there is nothing to be afraid or worried about. i know how important i was to you and how important you were to me, but i let you down. i let both our families and friends down. i might be letting myself down when i look at this in the future.
to say of letting go totally or moving on with my life, i will say "i have not yet succeeded".. whenever i see/hear those familiar places, common friends of ours, topics of our past, everything seems so sensitive and emotional. sometime i do can hold my emotions well and speaks (thinking that i've put it down) but sometime, it seems to be over my limit to be talking about all these peacefully. somehow, you still make me cry. yes, i know people will ask "why cry over spilt milk", especially you are the one who insist of flipping that plate of milk. i know, but somehow, it still makes an impact in my life. although everything about us has ended, it's over between us, but somehow I'm still so afraid of losing you, losing you totally (although more or less i've lost you totally). i do think of what happened if we were still together. sometime i do have the urge of getting back together with you but i know i shouldn't be as it is absolutely unfair to you. i hurt the man who love me the most and i love the most.
sometime when thinking back, i don't know what was in my mind that day when asking for a breakup. i wanted to have a cool down, i wanted to break away temporary as there is too much pressure and stress that i could handle. when at that point of time, i'm breaking, mentally. instead of facing the problems, i hide and run from them. perhaps i'm still not mature enough to handle all these, that is why i don't deserve such a good relationship and a good man. yes, i do regret as times, i do have the urge of getting back but i know, we can never be like the past anymore. our relationship has a deep deep scar. a scar that is caused by me and that i'm still recovering from. wherever i go, there is somehow pictures of us in the past. i spent a Christmas without you this year. it felt so different, is emotional too. but i know i got to get over with this totally and move on. i asked for it, even if there might be slight regret or doubts, i will move on with it. i don't deserve all these good stuff and i'm sorry and i really mean it. i'm really really really sorry about all these. somehow i wish i was mature enough to handle all these at that point of time. somehow i wish i could tell you all these before things got worse. somehow i do wish i wasn't that affect by my thoughts and emotions that i think i should be fair to you, so i left you.
as the year is coming to an year and i think i got to start my life afresh with the addition of studies to my life, i think i have to close this chapter in my life totally (although i really feel 捨不得. they are my happy times, beautiful memories that i wish to keep forever with me and not wanting to remove any part of it. but i realise by doing that, i couldn't let go totally, i couldn't move on totally. at this stage now, there is no more turning back, i will step forward and walk the path. it will be tough, it will feel extremely different and probably very difficult, but i got to do it and walk out of the past and probably removed you from my heart and mind..
sorry that i still can't meet any of our common group of friends. somehow i still cant, i'm not mentally prepare to handle all these, is very tough and i dont wish to breakdown in front of you or others.. any talk about BTO, marriage, everything will just make me emotional. wait till i have move on totally, when i'm not affected by it anymore, maybe that's when i can handle all those. yes, i don't communicate or ask people out for gathering. i will just stay home or work.. yes, i did lose something in my life. i cant find the motivation or target when work end. in the past, when work ends, i do look forward to meet you or in the weekends for us to meet even though we do nothing but just have each other by the side. somehow, you were the motivation and something that i look forward to each day. at least when i wake up every morning, i don't feel aimless.. but now, work and probably studies (in the future), will be my aim..
i know you always ask me about how's my private life, esp. with that guy. i could only answer you "we are still alright".. i guess no matter what i do, i am still unfair to both.. i cant be together with you and taking him totally out of me (maybe only possible after months), i cant be together with him and not think about you. i do talk to him about you. i guess by speaking out frankly to him that i still haven't let go totally and i think i still haven't move on totally. i didn't restrict myself for telling him how great you were, how well we were in the past.. but after everything, the sentence will be "that's the past already, things can't be the same anymore"...
you meant a lot to me but i let go of my hands. you made me cry, you made me happy, you make me feel so fortunate but i guess you never felt the same way of that to me anymore. sorry that i hurt you. sorry that i left you without a good reason (a insisted reason of wanting to find out what i want in my life).. although i always say and i will still say "我不知道你是不是我想要的，但你一定不是我不想要的"..
we already reach this stage with no turning back, so we got to move on (like what you always say). i will wish you all the best in everything you do or you want. you deserve someone much much better, esp. someone who will appreciate you, who will communicate and care for you.. we know the person can never be me anymore. we got to move on and probably if you will find one, i will be sad definitely. cause you were the man that i have spent so much time and effort on (you also put in a lot of effort on our r/s), i will be sad but i will be glad for you too at least, you find someone to secure your future with, who deserve you much more than me..
i will move on, totally. with the new year 2012, i will start to forget all the little single details about you. i will still keep part of it as memories and i don't wish to remove all.. my plan for the coming years and for the future is about work, studies and maybe future relationship. although i might still face the same issue with finding what i want in life and maybe still the same problem with my future relationships, i hope some days, i will find what i want in my life or maybe i will be single in the years to come. it hurts but i got to live with it for now as i choose this path.
this has been the longest post after so so long.. i love you and i miss you (this will be the last time i will say this as i will be moving on).. really thank you for every single little things, efforts and thoughts you have for me. i'm sorry for every single little things that i did to make you angry, disappoint and hurt you. This will be a "bye" post then a "see you again" post and i got to bury you deep deep down and maybe will dig you out in the future when i've move on or when i realise i can't live without you totally. life with you were much better but now i'm searching for a even better life that is without you as we cant never be like the past anymore..
i will welcome 2012 happily and will not bring out this topic anymore until i'm able to be smiling and chatting about this..
as for that "him" for now, you got to accept me for what i'm now. i'm still letting go of the past and moving on. if this issue bothers you, it can't be help as i'm not the type whereby i can say forget and just forget. i'm not the type that will just turn around and fall in love with another person and forget about the love that i once gone through so much hardship with. it took me probably one full year to forget the past past relationship so i can't be that fast to forget this relationship that impact me the whole of my life with so many tough times and hardship that were been through. it makes a scar in my life and memories that will stay forever.
i'm penning down all these thoughts and feeling inside me as i think i can't handle them anymore by trying to hide them or restrict myself from thinking or regrets but now, aft all these writing, it feels much better. i guess maybe this will be able to help me in letting go more as i don't feel that there is something that i didnt say out and stuff.. i'm moving, it might be slow, but i will still move and search for my goals.. all i could say to you now is a BIG BIG THANK YOU.. you made my life so great and make me learn and understand so many things for the past 2yrs7months. it is a loss of mine to lose you but i will want to bring to whoever will be my boyfriend/husband in the future, a Yenwei who is confident, and know what she wants for her life and make the bf/husband life better and not leave him anymore... who will love you whole-heartedly and commit her whole life to you..
although i still wish maybe some days, months or years down the road, we could still be together but i guess i won't let this thought be in me anymore if not i couldn't let go totally. i'm saying "bye" to the man that once love me so so much and a man that i fell so so in love with. goodbye to you.. it hurts but i hope for the better for you.. take care miiiee miiee, goodbye miiee miiee..
posted by aHwEi at
1:16:00 AM
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