feel like dying.. where's my motivation. where is my strength and push for my life.. sigh~~ feeling so dead..

i'm lacking something in my life to make me even feel like i'm living.. i didn't realise i used to live in the past but only now then i realise, i stopped living =(

i'm just waiting for the time whereby i feel numb about all these and back to those old time where by i will be independent being alone and not wanting to rely on anyone anymore.. suddenly, i wish i could be like the 'me' during poly year 1.. can be like the 'me' during uni year 1 after breakup.. somehow i wish i could be the then feeling-less yenwei now.. the yenwei that is just cheerful outside but no feeling inside.. when did i change to be like this? of not being strong and independent anymore.. not being so affected? someday sometime i just hope something bad will happen on me then maybe i will feel more appreciative of the situation now.. but i also hope something bad happen to be so that i could no longer be in any stand or right to want to be loved and love.. silly you might say, but yes, i'm that pessimistic.. but i can look and act till super optimistic and cheerful in front of others and lots of ppl.. so i guess my issue is i'm good with hiding my emotions from everyone and just waiting for myself to breakdown and get depression.. wahaha...