Recently i made the decision and also some actions with agitation from people around.. I am no longer befriend with my used to be super good n close friend.. A friend that we shared half of secondary, full of poly as well as part of uni and after that.. However, after a breakup with my ex, things just went different.. Double date will not be possible. Meeting up are rare as she will mostly be with her bf n his friends (that imcludes my ex).. Things become worse when i feel she isn't like my Friend anymore.. She doesn't care with the man i choose was good or bad guy, i can't tell her abt my problems coz she didn't agree with my decision to break up with my ex and ended up with my current.. Even when meeting up, i can't talk much to her.  CoZ i know if i tell her abt my r/s problems, she will put it like it was my decision, so i kinda deserved whichever comes, whether is good or bad.. When she occasionally asked me out to join the grp gatherings with her bf n my ex's grp of friends, i can feel the awkwardness, not that I'm not in talking terms with those group n my ex.. It is just that I'm like there to make up headcount.. They talk abt things i can't be involved or already involved.. Their past meetings, their planned holidays etc.. I feel so out of place.. Even those meetUp i am asked at the last minute, they planned long ago.. So, i doubt the sincerity.. I can nv be open in front of my used to be best friend..

And ya,, her wedding was just recent. She invited me long ago n weeks before her wedding she asked again.. I told her i can't cfm, actually is i don't feel like going. I dont feel the joy for her anymore. She is like a stranger to me.. I don't wanna meet those groups of friends or used to be friends. I wanna leave all of them out of my life n memories.. They make me sad, i wanna start afresh n be happy. I gave her my home address but till the day before her wedding, i nv received the invitation card, so i sssume she isn't inviting me to go.. Nv received any msg abt the dinner details.. So i assume, she found a replacement.. I didn't wanna ask her if i still have to attend, but i posted on Facebook to tell her abt me cfm not going since no invitation card.. Then on The actual wedding dinner morning, i posted something similar on Facebook to make myself feel better n strong reason that we are no longer close anymore.. Only ppl who knows the real thing will comment but there shouldn't be any like.. Guess what, the sisters n brothers started to like my status one after another.. It feels like is intentional, feels kind of sarcastic.. Can imagine they are gathering n asking each other to go "like" my status.. It cant be on not purpose.. I can feel more "like" coming n will make me more unhappy n be treated like a dumb fool, i made a decision.. A decision i have nv do it before in such a Large scale.. I unfriend the whole gang of tjem.. I don't want to be treat line a fool.. U can be close as you want but I'm not. Have u ever stand on my stand to understand me.. I always treat friends more important than family yet that's the way I'm treated.. U know how I feel when u guys kept talking abt common past trips or outings, it makes me feel even more left out. I don't like to be neglected with ppl I'm taking importance of.. But it appears, I'm not that important atvall.. In order not to be unhappy n be hurt by the harsh words/actions, I'm quitting. Quitting the friendship we shared, quitting the closeness we used to share, quitting the possible hurts from you n ur bros n sis..

Nevertheless, I'm still thankful for what you have done in the past during my hard times, especially the days i feel like dying.. I know you care for me, but we can't be like the past anymore.. You got your own grp of close friends. I can't get in so I'm going out.. I wanna lead a life without those unhappy memories.. I needed you most when i realised, you weren't my besties anymore. I don't know how but i wish i can leave this country and never return..

I know I'm at fault but so are you n the bros n sis.. They agitated n catalysed our friendship to end, a real end.. To a stage that i no longer wanna msg or meet anyone of you, including all our shared common friends.. I might have no more friends but i m getting use to it. I rather be alone than to expect more n in the end, be hurt by ppl that i tot we could last forever.. Don't worry. I wont appear in common gatherings, including those uni grp of friends who are actually more of my ex friends. They aren't closed to me since I'm not invited for much gatherings after the broke up.. I will be cleaning up the friend list soon.. I m tired of all these sadness i have gone thru.. Depression, do you even care abt me being depress, u didn't.. I can't tell u my problems, i have no close friends that i can have heart to heart talk with n it got so bad that i got to seek professional help.. Counsellor was once the person i could tell all my problems to, including our problems.. But now, it seems like i need to seek the professional for diagnosis.. Depression, please leave me alone. Having no.close friends doesn't mean i need you...

i'm still feeling so depressed.. i have been hiding somewhere to cry for almost everyday of this week in office.. my internal job application which seems like will get it in the end was declined without a known reason.. sigh.. perhaps, i'm just blacklisted already.

depression

it has been long since i last blogged.. this time, i blogged because i don't know who to talk to...

as many will know, i turned from a cheerful, bubbly and happy person to someone who is quiet and will self-isolate myself from friends' gathering and start thinking that actually my friends aren't close to me and they don't need me..

months and years, this becomes worse and till a stage whereby i can't control my emotions at work whereby i do break down.. i start to not meet any of my friends anymore coz i feel that i lost all of my friends and to be truthful to myself, i have no close friends coz i'm not a good friend either.. staying in the negative emotion and thinking, my days and thinking got worse.. and now, i'm having depression.. i know i have symptoms for it but when the doctor confirmed that i have depression, the very moment, my tears just can't help but kept dashing out.. doctor asked me many questions, regarding my life, my work, my relationship with friends/family/love relationship/colleagues.. and after 10-15 mins of intense getting to know me and my situation, she concluded that i'm having depression.. 

it might start or even start before i end the previous relationship but i'm able to suppress for a few months.. but when pressure and unhappiness start to build up from my previous r/s and work and other factors like my skin illness, i can not longer control my emotions.. i told the doctor that my boss say i must control my emotion, but she says that i shouldn't, if not my depression will get worse.. my work environment did add on to the depression.. just that now, i no longer can control my emotions. i don't want to bring personal emotion to work, i dont want to be seen as bringing negative emotions to office, but somehow, i can no longer be happy..

i know i'm not happy.. not happy from inside.. yet i still have to look happy to others.. i feel so tired and stressful.. in the past, i can tell my bf or my close friends of my worries and unhappiness.. i can voice out and show my emotion rather than suppressing it.. now, i have nobody to talk about it.. or even if there is, i can't seem to talk.. i can't express myself out and this makes me frustrated. all i need and want is to have someone who understand and know me well even if i can't express out myself, they will know what i mean and want.. but now, somehow, there isn't such a person.. tell me, how can i be happy again.. anti-depressant can help? i guess it only solve current issue but don't remove the root of it.. sigh.. i have no more close friends.. i have nothing to look forward to.. in the past, i look forward to marriage, the house of my and my future hubby, the days to look forward to.. but now, i dont see a future.. i can't even see myself in 3 years time.. tell me, why do i even get depression??

Samsung S4 $825

gotten a Samsung S4 yesterday as a gift =) now, from Apple shifted to Samsung.. still using my macbook, still "using" my iphone 3GS..

Samsung ATIV Smart PC XE500T1C

Went PC Show yesterday with 3 other colleagues.. initial intention is that i just accompany them as I most likely wont be getting anything.. a quick session became a long session, stay from 6+ to almost 9pm as I cant decide which Tablet PC to get... ASUS Transformer or Samsung ATIV Smart PC XE500T1C.. ASUS Transformer has better specification so is more expensive $2090+ while the Samsung Smart PC is not the newest version n with lower specification then ASUS Transformer cost $1199 (with $100 additional discount given from $1299)... so in the end i got the Samsung ATIV Smart PC XE500T1C (Mystic blue) with the keyboard as the freebies.. Now still trying to get use to the Tablet as it use Window 8 which you can imagine a Apple user who change to Window and even better, Window 8 which look so much different.. Still using my Macbook.. not going to neglect it until it gave up on me as it has company me for 4 years already =) brought it back from Brisbane...

back from europe.. prague, rome, pisa, cinque terre, venice, milan and paris... is a long trip, tired yet fulfilling... shopped alot at the last stop-Paris...

today went for excision biopsy.. to take out the lump at my neck for further investigation/testing as doctor says that the lump/swollen lymph node is bigger than normal.. but it is presence since sept.. so under GA to put to sleep.. woke up with deep n sharp pain so was given painkiller.. suppose to be done by 2.30pm but dragged abit since i'm not in a condition to go home yet.. abt 4pm then left.. hair was stained with blood.. rubber band was also stained =( didn't know how big is the lump but doctor was saying the tissue taken out is quite a big piece, need further testing then will know what it is.. now my right neck is super swollen.. given 14 days of hospitalisation leave..

initially thought was a simple operation but in the end, it seems so serious..

feeling can fade off..

recently, alot of things are really troubling me.. or maybe is because i tend to think too much and too pessimistic.. i thought i should share but perhaps i was wrong.. i tot i shouldnt have hide my emotions but perhaps i'm wrong.. i shouldnt let others see that i'm sad, emotional, that im going to breakdown soon.. who knows.. who understand.. everyday seems to be worse to me.. i dont look forward to next day at all..

met with my first ever car accident on 5th Feb 2013.. just outside my hse area at 7+am.. sigh..

why do i still tear and cried so badly when is me who force things to be this way.. i thought i prepared myself mentally n emotionally.. but when it somehow still make me cried.. didn't i tell myself no more tears, be strong, accept the facts n move on..

心如刀割⋯⋯ 原來我失去的是我自己。也許，是我，是我變了，已經不再是原來的我了。 假面具將會陪伴著我。甚麼是快樂，甚麼是憂傷？

faking happiness. faking smile. faking fine. when i'm not.

what can i do? tell me.. tell me what to do?? i m starting to hate myself and my life more and more each day.. how i wish i can just die and end off all these.. what i wish for is it too much?? what i want is it too much??

things will never change.. no issues will be solved.. believe it or not.. the root cause for all these is due to there isn't love..

it's 20-12-2012 today..

there can nv be serious talk.. whenever i start being serious but you gave me those non-serious answer coz u say you dont have an answer.. so even when there is serious talk, it just ended without any closing off as issues identified were never solved, not on the day of talk or the next few days or even until the next 'serious' talk, they are still presented.. i can't accept it.. i can never.. i can't live with it like this.. i can't sleep or even sleep well when there are issues bothering me or they can't be solved, i just want to solve them and dont want it to come haunting me.. however, it is opposite for you. you can sleep it off with it everytime without fail, thinking that u cant get a solution to it, why not sleep and maybe next day u might be clearer in mind or maybe also hoping that the issue will nv be brought up again and hope it disappeared (or solved by itself).. it is always the case.. just like mention, i can't understand too.. why it can be like this.. maybe you just don't care (stop saying you care when ur actions aren't showing likewise)..

this can't be carried on.. it always repeat and repeat and somehow you take it as an advantage and hoping that you can always try your luck and thinking that this will go on and things wont go bad.. NOPE..!! i can't stand it.. there is effort i can see but it can't be deny that you only put in what i see as minimum while you say is almost your maximum.. i don't know.. maybe is just how much you care about the other person and how willingly you will give to another person.. nope.. u will just sleep, rest and do nth.. i'm tired of always trying and always thinking that maybe is i expect too much.. but whenever i take a step out n look at it, what i expect isn't that much and some of them are really the basic minimum..

let's face the truth, none of us are really happy now.. when i'm serious, you feel stressed and feel u can't meet my expectation and u are unhappy.. when see you can't be really bother and just not that serious, i just feel like maybe, maybe i shouldn't have ever think of serious stuff at all, it can nv happen.. i can feel your anger and unhappiness when u feel u try but yet i didn't give good response and yet demanding more as i feel there should be more..

i guess, when views, expectation, habits etc do really affect if people can get along.. we just can't.. thinking and wants are just different...
one with not much expectation VS one with expectations..
one only like (love is too much a word) VS one who is looking for love..
one who can live as it is without much plan VS one who wants a plan at least short term (1-5 years time)...

stop asking me what is short term n long term..
stop asking me the same questions over and over again hoping that i will change my answers to them..
stop saying things which you don't mean it at all.. you might not wan to promise things or make commitments, but somehow, it becomes a reasonable excuse not to do things.. anyway, it isn't that important to me.. you are messing up your own life.. i won't want to mess up my life when u can't even handle yours..

i need a man who loves me and can take care of me.. i want it vice versa rather than only from me.. u nv understand what is love, real love.. dont say love when you dont mean it or trying to get away with certain issues.. not every woman are blinded.. at least i'm not.. i m rational and can be irrational at times.. but i know when to be what.. so stop 'smoking' me off.. u can get away once, twice or even thrice but it triggered the alarm limit.. too much is too much.. certain things i can give in n accept and certain things i die die also want them in my r/s or man..

anyway, i guess is time to really end the struggle and torture.. maybe for the past weeks and months, i'm always stressing myself to sort this out once n for all and nv return.. i think n think, maybe i m stressed too with many stuff in my life.. maybe all these is the cause for my health issue, the persistent lymph node that doesnt want to go away and making me afraid of it being cancerous, it being a health alert.. i need to be positive, truly happy, less troubled (problems taken care of)... maybe i'm better off being independent rather than thinking of finding a guy which i can rely on, a shoulder for me to cry on or rest when i'm tired, who will take care of me and care and love me always.. ohh well.. maybe such a guy doesn't exist in my life..

one of my poly senior undergone a surgery regarding lymph nodes.. now make me more concern of my lymph node which re-appear in another location n has been there for at least 2 months.. my friend say it is more likely heredity or due to stress.. am i that stress? i guess so.. too much things in my life that i can't handle them anymore.. going haywire..  must stay positive and happy cell fight the battle better..

懂珍惜的人会愛对方多一点, 不懂珍惜的人只会愛自己多一点

now i know why, there isn't love..

today is the saddest day ever.. tears just cant stop and i really feel hurt..

how can i convince you that we aren't suitable? or maybe you think we are but actions and facts show that we aren't.. try, tried, tried hard, even harder but things just aren't going well or smooth..

u can't change and i can't change. we both shouldn't be even changing.. i can't compromise or accommodate to your thinking, action n behaviour.. u felt i expect too much that u can't possibly give but u tried ur best to give whatever u can.. i felt u didn't try hard enough or even determine enough to "get there" where i feel is the minimum..  i don't know but i just feel there isn't really determination in working things out.. is just like tell ppl, at least i try n give my best but is it the best ever, only one will know..

i know it very well, know the truth which one can't deny.. we can never get there.. we will nv get there somehow, one day, eventually.. it might be responsible but yet irresponsible.. how long do i have to walk thru this, sleep through with this.. how long can i be ignorant about, n pretend it is okay when i'm not and yet nobody can tell that.. i have slowed down my pace so much that i feel i'm dragging my feet to slow down.. it it that much to ask for? it is that much to hope for? mindsets are different, vision/views and everything is so so different.. tell me, will this even be a happy one?

i'm hurt.. what i could do is just to tear to sleep.. the heart aching feeling is killing me.. i hate myself for being emotional and not being able to stop my heart from feeling the contracting which is aching..

i could nv understand... why there isn't love..? why can't it be love..?

how long can i live with it n ignore the fact which i feel very important about..

hope u really cherish this last chance.. n really make things work rather than at the end of the day, everyone is disappointed..

live for yourself. live single. be single. think single. act single.

at the end of the day, just be selfish and don't care about others. if not, someday u will just breakdown totally. jump and end.