迷失了方向⋯⋯
怎麼覺得人生如此的模糊呢？
目標，終點，究竟在哪呢？
尋找著那道光芒，希望能向色彩繽紛的世界邁進⋯⋯

我，到底想得到甚麼？
我，到底想怎麼生活？
我，怎麼还在徘徊著？
我，到底在為甚麼而活著？
我，怎麼就學不會做決定呢？
我，怎麼了？

為甚麼我總是為了別人的要求而努力？
為甚麼我就沒有為自己而活？
為甚麼我就讓自己那麼的不快樂？
為甚麼要委屈自己？
為甚麼要讓別人來遷就我？
為甚麼要讓別人影響我？
為甚麼我的世界就不能只有我自己？
為甚麼會有這麼多的為甚麼？
為甚麼我連我自己真正想要甚麼，我都不知道？
為甚麼我會如此的失敗？

我，並不勇敢。我會害怕受傷，我會害怕後悔。我害怕一個人，也害怕兩個人。我是個敏感，不自信，好勝，好強，不體貼，不溫柔，醋罈子 的人⋯⋯ 害怕被別人看見我的弱點，所以可以裝得如此的強悍。 因為不想讓別人看見我哭，我可以裝得如此的開朗。 因為不想讓別人看見我的眼淚，只有到了晚上或在雨里，我才敢把偽裝的一面暫時放下來。 我，已經忘了哪個才是真正的我。我已經迷失了自我⋯⋯

time to do some works that were supposed to be done by last week =x
to do list: finish up those on-hand works, think about the study issues, read through the korean preparation course material (the basic).. life isn't easy or busy.. but didn't feel the contentment.. sigh~~

got the offer letter from NIE regarding the Master course i applied a few months ago.. Master of Science (Life Sciences) - Chemistry.. sigh~ now i'm accepted.. do i accept the offer..? how..? i need some light.. if i go on, i want to do it full heartedly and not half hearted..

another stage, another life.. accepting the offer will definitely change my life a lot.. no more holiday as and when.. no more slacking.. sigh~~ am i ready yet..?

don't underestimate yourself but don't overestimate yourself too.
i overestimated my tolerance level which i thought i wouldn't breakdown that easily.. but somehow, the limit is near. back to the collapse point, exactly 2 months ago.. i'm trying to live strong to work my life out for others to see, to others' expectation. but by doing this everyday for others, i'm losing myself on the way.. sometime i feel i'm much happier now but sometime i think i'm psycho-ing myself as i couldn't tell what has become better.. am i really happy now but i'm just living a day as a day.. i couldn't find the source of my energy and motivation at all.. not now... i lost a pillar in my life while trying to find my goal in life.. but somehow now, i'm feeling so lost.. i feel like giving up.. on every single thing.. i want to fall somewhere.. but i'm afraid that it will hurt.. but why am i out of my comfort zone since i'm afraid.. this is so contradicting.. where i can fall now.. who can i fall on now.. who to catch me when i fall.. where do i land when i fall.. i want to be independence and i dont like the feeling of relying on others or dependent on anyone, i need to be strong and independence.. someday, i will be fine..

blogging at this hour whereby i am yet to be sleeping =x becoming older and looking much much older soon especially with that little hours of sleep..

people cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long..



alright, that's it for everything.. every single thing and every single one.. i'm tired.. i can't take this anymore.. i just feel like dying now.. i just hate how emotional i can get.. some things that matter to you but not to others.. so, don't be bother to share any of those thoughts cause to others.. this means nothing at all.. is your own wishful thinking.. wake up from this damn bloody fact.. you hurt everyone and everyone didn't hurt you.. is you hurt yourself.. why will people still be bother with you.. yea, damn right.. i'm the one that can't communicate and so blame nobody except myself.. so what if people misunderstand my intention, there isn't any need to explain any further.. the more you say, people will just think that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. the situation won't change, beyond salvage. since it is so clear cut, why make addition effort only at this point of time.. ya... whatever it is.. i'm always doing wrong things at the wrong time.. or maybe to be exact, i never ever do a right thing at all.. it makes me wonder, why do i exist in this world..

my heart ache.. it hurts.. i always feel the pain and contraction at my heart.. i read news about something known as "heart broken illness", which will lead to heart failure.. but why, i'm yet to die..? i felt the symptoms and i could hardly breathe whenever i thought of those stuff.. i hate to cry.. but i'm doing it now.. i'm tired already.. this time, i know and can feel it already.. this will be it.. the last time i will ever feel ache and pain, cause i think my heart died.. i didnt want to do anything more and anything else.. just let me live a day as a day.. it might be easier and better in long term.. i'm withdrawing myself from everyone..

this time i will say.. everything is over.. whichever thing it is.. is just over and done with.. even if there is unclear doubts and stuff, even if there are question marks to all these.. it is over.. i'm tired.. mentally tired..

The girl

The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke.
The girl who always laughed, cried.
The girl that never stopped trying, finally gave up.
She dropped her fake smile as a tear rolled down her cheek, and she whispered to herself, ' I can't do this anymore. '

Quotes

~~ when you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.

~~ It's sweet when people remember every little detail about you, not because you keep reminding them but because they pay attention

~~ sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.

~~ some people are meant to fall in love with each other... but not meant to be together.

~~ Here's a sweet truth: Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.
Here's the bitter catch: When you kept on waiting but nobody came, it means that you've already left that one pass you by.

think for a night.. it is the silliest thing to wait or be there for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate you.. for someone who doesn't really seem to care that much about you. just leave and walk away. this is the wiser thing to do.. actually from a few little things and actions, we can all see and tell how much one means and worth for another.. if that somebody isn't that right one, just move on.. because no matter how long you wait, things won't change, people just tend to take whatever you do for-granted.. i'm almost that the process of leaving everyone.. all will just be friends and will be nothing more than friends.. yes, that mindset for every single one.. this time, i shall and will try to make any form of contact to minimum. no msn, no sms, no whatsapp.. i will slowly fade away from everyone life, anyway i think that won't make much impact to most people as they might not realise it anyway. i'm building up my walls.. this time will be a higher one, will be more than a single layer.. i'm heading toward my world - although a lonely one but without any unpleasant, without relying on anyone, without anyone..

i shall go queensway for some shopping tmr.. maybe will just be window shopping.. let's see what i can get from there.. looking for a new beach volleyball.. it has been long since i go shopping and on my own.. i will be fine =) i know i will...

back to those time, independent.. bought a Groupon voucher for 4 x 2 hours (weekly) lesson @ $29 only. got that and will start a basic korean lesson this thurs at bugis.. never tell much people.. guess i'm getting back to my old self soon le.. do thing alone and never ask or tell anyone until things are confirm.. i guess i am meant to be a loner since i'm able to do things alone and dont discuss stuff with ppl.. is my hidden character within me?? ohh well, i attended short courses alone and stuff, so i believe this time i will be fine too.. although maybe will feel something is missing from my life..

suppose to meet xian xi 1pm at wheelock but i woke up slightly late so ask if we could meet at 1.30pm.. so we changed location to bugis.. but xian xi was quite late as the bus he took was catch in jam. i before i met him, i have some bites as breakfast and lunch.. even got time to get KOI.. then even went a while shopping =x gotten 2 tee from b2b (back 2 basic).. just simple tee with simple words or picture.. the tee only got XS, S or M size.. just happen that both the design i like don't have size M.. so i tried S.. i'm able to fit in =) but then, the salegirl realise the other design only left with XS, so i tried.. i'm able to fit in ^_^ i was like so happy.. first time ever in Singapore i bought a XS tee in female cutting.. but this also means that i got to maintain like this or even get slimmer to be able to fit into those tee.. =)

met xianxi at about 2.30 i think.. we sat at MOS burger.. but don't know why we didn't start with the policies and insurances first but got a little catch up session.. i think was quite a long chat regarding me and ys.. he met with ys a couple weeks ago.. talked about the past r/s.. we talked for almost 2-3 hours on that issue.. a lot of things were mentioned in the conversation, alot of question marks and questions that don't have answers and stuff.. XX mentioned that i should find a time to talk to ys.. to sit down and talk things out.. talk about things that we have yet to speak out to each other.. to end everything peacefully rather than a bad breakup.. do you have things you want to talk that you yet to tell me? i think you do hate me, angry with me.. although you say you didn't.. but others around you could feel so.. so i guess we do have things that we have yet to speak up... don't put any open questions or questions that we have in minds or things that we want to say but yet to tell each other.. there might be some misunderstanding.. humans are strange.. we need to hear and see rather than always think that others know and understand even though we didnt speak it out.. i'm not too sure if you have cool down.. but i heard you are very rational and tell others that "this is it".. say it firmly.. is a good thing.. but it is what you feel or is what you force yourself to think this way.. we met a couple of time but we never talk on this breakup topic.. xx mentioned that if we breakup properly.. there shouldnt be an awkwardness when we meet.. this means, it isn't a good and clean breakup.. is it..? i'm not sure too.. but i guess we do have misunderstandng and stuff.. but i think some might think that "is it that important? since u guys already broke off".. hmm.. i'm not sure too.. this is a sensitive topic.. some things to me is important but not to others.. i also don't know.. this is the 1st time after almost 2 months that i talk on this topic and on it for so long.. not everything abt that r/s, it was also about myself and what i feel and stuff.. communication, that the important part and maybe is the reason why my relationship always doesn't work out well.. i can't communicate, as always......

alright, my head very quite painful now.. somehow the left and right corner of my forehead is painful.. then the bump by yesterday paintball at the right side since is a head shot (is super painful).. and the back of my head near the neck and my right ear.. the direct shot by my team mate during the first game.. is pain.. press a little can feel the pain =x then can't cross my right leg over left since my left thigh got 1 blue-black and is swollen =x hmm..

Pain(t)-ball-ed x_x

went for paintball with colleagues.. is fun.. is pain too.. got a no. of bruises (head, neck and knee).. this make me recalled paintball in australia. seem so fun.. those were the no worry days..

emo emo jiu hao...

i hate myself for being emotional.. i hate my mood swing.. although this was never shown in front of others.. but when i'm alone.. i know that's how i feel.. i guess i'm not tht good yet to be able to handle all those even when i'm alone.. i need to up my level.. but now.. i just don't feel happy at all.. and got the bu shuang, bu gao xin feeling.. anyway.. is not important.. is just me for being too sensitive.. too emotional.. too demanding.. too unreasonable.. and many many more.. alright.. time to bring all these to sleep.. absorb all those =x

i'm just that stubborn, demanding and unreasonable.. that's me.. if you think i changed, that's because you have yet to know that real me. that's all...

some things and some people i just don't like.. maybe to others is just a minor issue but to me, i'm just affected by it. to me, that's important.. i rather not want at all.. some people are just that fake and acting cute or what so ever.. but i just don't like people that have extreme different attitude towards different people.. i'm biased.. but i just dislike some people.. and if you hang ard with them.. i will dislike you too.. don't ask me why.. i just don't like.. yes.. that is my problem.. never was yours..

went for company bowling event today.. something not very happy happened.. but is over.. so i shall not say anymore.. got 110, 85 and 128 for the 3 games.. i think 128 is the best score i have so far ba.. could be better.. got more strike but then those without strike i only hit 3-5 pins only.. so pull the score down.. tired already.. shall sleep now..

sat will be meeting xian xi regarding my insurance policies renewal and stuff at orchard.. maybe aft that can head to queensway to get a volleyball.. if not then is sunday ba.. see my mood then.. thats the only plan for weekend.. if not, is sleep =) shall make that my interest and hobbies as frequent as possible..



emo~~~

am I that special and important to you or am I not? or maybe is just that little but not too much.. well, i'm trying, trying to make myself pull away.. sometime, i just make myself thinking through this and be happy.. but sometime, i can be very happy with how things are right now.. maybe.. i guesss maybe.. is time for me to be harsh to myself.. to forget about this.. i mean forget about this whole thing for now.. which might also mean, i will totally shut this window and walk away.. i believe i can do it.. maybe is tough, but.. better than anything else.. i will not want to treat anyone else good anymore.. i want to be a very selfish person and only think for myself, for my own benefits and not care about anyone else or anything else.. can I..? why am i always so concern about what others say.. what others might think.. why am i always living for others.. living to others' expectation.. living to make others happy or to make their life better.. but why.. why i don't see myself in all these..? i'm always searching for my goals and targets in life while others are already working towards their targets and goals.. people have plan for future.. but for me.. i see no light..

now, i have this thought: "others know what are their goals, targets and plan for their life.. while me, my goal is to find the goals and targets in my life.." isn't this funny..? no goals, no targets, no aims, no plan.. so what am I living for..? i guess i'm living to search for that, maybe till i'm old and die, i still yet to find them..

i'm starting to have the feeling of missing somebody.. isn't a good feeling, i do like and dislike this feeling cause it feels as though i'm dependent on that somebody which I shouldn't be, cause thing shouldn't be like this.. ohh well, i will be very rational and tell myself of "missing someone is stupid and crazy, don't be silly. wake up please".. yes, i'm that pessimistic.. i don't like the feeling of being at the losing end.. i don't like the feeling of being at disadvantage.. i don't like the feeling that others will think that they will affect me and take advantage of that.. i don't like to suffer.. so, to make myself to going through all these "don't like", i will make myself not to face this situation ANYMORE..!! i will leave and go.. i will.. i will be harsh and hostile.. i will.. i will disappear and never return cause, it was never a place meant for me.. i don't belong in there.. at the appropriate timing, all of the above will happen when i really feel so.. and this time, when the decision is made, i will not regret or return.. cause the feeling of dangling here and there and not heading anywhere, i rather let go and walk alone..

i kind of miss the feeling that there was once this someone who want me very very much.. yes, i guess that should be a mutual feeling.. the person want you that much as to go all way out.. ideal situation is it works both way.. but in most situation, this is only a 'one-way traffic'... if you can't find that feeling of wanting someone that much, let that person go and let yourself go.. don't hold on to something which you know can't work.. treat yourself and that person good, letting go is probably better than holding on.. that's the reason why i have that courage to let go of that someone who want me and treat me that well, but, i couldn't find that much much feeling back to him.. so i guess, if things can't work, let go to let each other find their happiness.. i'm telling myself this so i won't be that stubborn holding on to things that i know might not work.. although sometime i do want to fight for it, but sometime i'm just afraid it's just a 1-sided thinking.. there's a saying : "fight for your wants and needs".. but.. it is like a tough and lonely fight.. and sometime, i just choose not to fight and just walk away from that.. yes, that's me.. not that confident in most stuff.. live in my own world of denial.. denial of those good stuff that people tell me..

有說不出的話，有說不出的感覺⋯⋯

i'm going to plan for a holiday trip.. yes.. a trip maybe just over the weekends and maybe take monday or so to make it a 3 or 4 days trip.. or i will plan for a january holiday trip.. this time, i will plan my own trip, i used to be the one planning and i'm tired of being the planner so i let others plan it.. but this time, i will plan one.. this time, is just for myself since i don't have anyone to ask to doing the planning. i can plan a 3 to 4 days beach holiday or short getaways at somewhere near. i just need a holiday ba.. feel like going away and probably not return (in this case, is unlikely possible).. 1 person holiday.. i haben think or did it before, maybe i should try.. but how am i suppose to tell others i'm going somewhere alone, i guess most will go against the idea of traveling alone especially you are FEMALE.. that's what others always say.. i always have that 衝動 to just get some offer deal and sign up and is paid, so i can just go.. since is paid, they can't say anything more even if i'm alone.. sometime i wish i'm a guy, things might be easier..

now, is holiday to where? Thailand is flooding (sigh~~, yet to go Bangkok and maybe to Phuket since is beach).. is monsoon season (haizz....), beach holiday like is not recommended, is it? or i still can go? or maybe i can just go some island like Tioman or Aur or Lagkawi or Redang.. i just want a holiday, why is it that difficult just give me beach, sands, sun, blue/green water (not any of Singapore kind).. hmm.. or maybe Bintan? but i can't speak Malay =x or should i plan a longer one, mean is next year start so i won't clash with my colleagues who need to clear their leaves..? maybe to Japan or Korean (i have yet to any).. maybe i just go to Hokkaido or Jeju.. all seems so nice from the tv.. or i go backpack =x to china, tibet? nepal? if not, is Shanghai?

sigh.. why when i'm single, i can't travel alone.. i'm getting use to being single.. i'm handling and coping it quite alright i guess.. and maybe soon, i will be too use to being single which can be a good thing =) so nobody will suffer (guess u all should know what i mean by that).. whatever it is, being happy is enough.. don't think too far, just enjoy present no matter if you are single or attach or have a fling or in a 曖昧 situation or whatever.. just enjoy that present moment and don't think about future.. read this somewhere: don't think about the past as it is over, don't think of the future as it is not here yet, so enjoy the present. so i guess whenever i think of the past or the future that i can't see, i will get emotional and become very quiet as i'm thinking, maybe to other is too much, but we cant simply live life without thinking of future.. sometime i could be that happy because i enjoying myself to the fullest since that's the only moment that make me smile.. anyway.. i shall plan my holiday to somewhere and only inform after everything is confirmed =x so my plan will carry on.. let's see.. i shall treat myself good and have a retreat for myself soon in the next few months.. i shall just take out maybe $500 to $1000 to travel.. or just to nua somewhere but not in SG definitely..!!!

some random thoughts for the day: close friend

some random thoughts for the day: close friend

some thoughts, some questions and some feelings i have from the past and the present.. everyone should at least have a close friend while some have a few while others have a couple more.. within this group of close friends that we all have, they might be of the same sex and some are opposite sex.. i'm a person who get along better with guys (i'm just more tomboyish =) heez), so i made more guy friends as compare to gal friends (except that i got a couple of closer gal friends).

your close friend should treat you as his/her close friend too or maybe more than that. only the individual know himself/herself more. things always start as friends and sometime is the feeling and common interests and topic that make 2 become closer friends. i believe guy and gal can be close friend and nothing more than that (yes, i mean there is friendship and not the love relationship in this case). but sometime, at a certain point of time, one might fall for his/her close friend and maybe in a best case scenario is they both fall for each other at the right time. that's scenario 1..

scenario 2: one fall for his/her close friend but never confess and keep that special feeling within himself/herself as he/she is afraid to lose this relationship (love & friendship). so, the close friend might not know of the other person feeling. In this case, feeling were kept as secret unless was share.

scenario 3: one confessed to the close friend and the close friend is unsure too (in this case, the close friend is single). 3 outcome from this scenario - close friend rejected and still remain as close friend. - close friend rejected and no longer close friend. - close friend was unsure and both let things be, but things are just special within them cause it not only friendship but there love in this case too.

scenario 4: one never confessed but show signs of more than close friend. but this close friend is attached. things between them from outsider could see and sense that they are just more than close friends but both never admit or mention anything.

sometime i do wonder. within this close friend, do you ever once fall for him/her? maybe is in the past and nobody knows about it and it keep this past or feeling (mean all along you do like him/her) as a dark secret. sometime we tend to treat those that we do like/love/have that more than friend feeling maybe in the past or present, we tend to treat them much nicer and special from other close friends that we have. but it just that we yet to realise that. only the outsider could notice the difference in the attitude or attention we have on this close friend as compare to other close friends. but in every case, the close friend are of the opposite sex. we are really treating them difference without ourselves realising or we refuse to accept what others say.

in any case, we answer to nobody as we ourselves should know the answer more than anyone else... is it a hidden feeling that we chose not to disclose to anyone... and i do know of case whereby 2 close friends do like each other but they know things might not work out so both are attached to their own partner. but there is this special kind of feeling they have for each other..

alright.. enough of thoughts, questions and wonder.. some questions have no answer while some questions will have more than one answer.. as for me, i only live in my world of rejection and denial especially in the not so good sense.. but well, i don't do that so openly. i'm still the outgoing and cheerful at most time..

有些事，有些感覺是無法用言語來表達或是形容⋯⋯ 那麼該怎麼办呢？ 是表達能力不好嗎？ 怎麼覺得多數都有這種無奈感？ 有時候好希望不需要多說或是多解釋，有些人就能知道腦裡的想法或是心裡的感覺⋯⋯ 怎麼就是如此的複雜呢？

或許⋯⋯⋯⋯

read the book "The Rules of Love".. some of the contents feel so real and so true.. now it makes me wonder.. maybe what i did even though not most people will support. but i think i'm better now.. i shall let go of a guy that i didn't love as much as he love me and i should let him go and let the person who is meant for him to love him fully as he is.. maybe now is a tough time for me to be on my own but i have already made it through for almost 1 month plus.. i should be able to live on my own, relationship shouldn't make anyone dependence on each other, instead independence should be part of it. we are there for the person not because we re dependence of them, we might not need them, but is because WE WANT TO BE THERE for them.. NOT because WE NEED THEM..

already i read them but is really how i really do it, this is the tough part. another thing is about trust.. is my own issue, maybe the past contribute to that, but without trust, there won't be any relationship.. i hope people to trust me but it kind of difficult for me to trust someone fully.. i'm always doubtful, i guess not to anyone but to myself.. i'm lack of self confident esp in relationship cause i just don't feel that i'm special or what.. i'm only confident in things that i know i can.. i can be pessimistic but can be optimistic too, but is it the real me, i'm not sure too.. and 1 more thing is "YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU".. yes, that's life and that is super true.. sometime you just don't love the one who love you, no matter how much you try.. you do like them, maybe a little love them but not that love's love kind.. so, i shall not even try or think of trying to make anyone love me cause it should be from them, if they don't love me, i cant force that, i will only let go =)

and don't make the same mistake in relationship. if this kind of guy didn't suit you in the past, it can't work out in the past. most likely, a similiar kind of guy that appears won't work out too.. so don't fall for the same kind..

yes.. so i guess.. i shall be lonely for the rest of my life =x haha..

didn't OT today but bring work home =( sigh~~
somehow i wish i can be those kind that do work only during working hours like from 8am-5pm.. aft that i can don't need care whether are the work done anot since with those limited hours, that are the most i can do.. but some how in this society or maybe is in Singapore, or maybe is in my company only.. they expect you to do work A, then half way through tell you work B is important.. then will give you work C and D.. then is like with the limited time, they can't be done unless you work OT.. that's the reason why i don't really like singapore =x

MC yesterday and today OT until 9.45pm.. sigh.. am i that inefficient or i'm overloaded..?

been feeling hungry these few days.. is it because i'm sick and what.. somehow just felt hungry easily than normal.. feel like having good food. buffet, bbq.. or whatsoever.. just feel like treating myself well occasionally..

你的時間有限，所以不要為別人而活。不要被教條所限，不要活在別人的觀念裡。不要讓別人的意見左右內心的聲音。最重要的是，勇敢地去追隨自己的心靈和直覺，只有自己的心靈和直覺才知道你自己的真實想法，其他一切都是次要。

on MC today.. just woke up from a nap.. today is more of sleeping and sleeping.. so tired.. i guess must be the medicine.. being reading this book "Eat Pray Love".. some of the feeling and thoughts feel so similar.. still got long way to go for this book..

the smoking part just made me want to walk away and leave fast. never bid any farewell coz i'm just kind of pissed esp. that i don't understand what so good is about smoking..

to others, is this really that important but to me is YES..!! very very important. given a choice, i won't want a smoker, and never will want any one to get into that bad habit and will wish that people will quit smoking..

ohh well, who am i to hope for all these.. but to me, i just prefer a non-smoker and non-smoking area. smoke makes me fall sick and i really mean fall sick serious like flu, fever and stuff...

ate flu medicine.. feeling kind of sleepy now.. going to head for bed early tonight.. tried to do some work but not very productive esp. after having the medicine.. alright.. shall sleep early tonight and wake up not too early tmr. got to go find gift as ROM present for Peck Hong and his wife-to-be.. still not sure what to get yet.. shall go source for it at vivo tmr.. probably look for my beach volleyball too =) heez..

night everyone..

just woke up =) so shiok.. it has been long since i slept for so long... slept before 11pm yesterday.. feeling tired after taking the flu medicine.. super hungry now but like got nth much for me to eat at home =( unless i cook pasta.. coz at home only got curry chicken, spicy korean instant noodle and maggie curry flavour.. so tempted to just eat one of them..

and i really fall sick.. exactly like about half year ago.. the flu, sore throat, sudden coldness and heaty-ness.. slept early yesterday le, this morning wake up, felt my throat is like swollen kind. drank lot of water before i slept yesterday but seem like it didn't stop anything.. hopefully a rest today and tmr i will be fine..

brought work home today but now i'm too tired to do any.. feeling very tired and got the going to fall sick feeling (feeling a little sore throat).. hopefully tmr wake up i will be alright already.. night everyone...

went to tighten my bottom braces.. now they are quite painful.. alright.. sleep..

in the end, i hurt everyone.. including some of my friends..

sigh~~

i really don't know what to blog about le.. there are a lot of mixed feeling in me.. don't know how to express them in words anymore.. don't know how to share or speak out.. guess it is better to keep all in me now.. don't want to let anyone know anything already.. somehow, just got the feeling of not being able to speak out.. something is stuck there, but i'm also unsure of what is it.. but kind of making me feel not comfortable.. guess for the time being, i won't speak of anything yet as i really don't know what is really bothering me. oh well, i think i'm good for now.. feeling alright although something is bothering me but i'm feeling okay, really feel okay =)

i am already lost in my own world but not knowing which is the real me.. have a lot of different masks in front of different person until i think i myself already lost, which is the real me.. will not make life difficult for anyone, making sure that nobody is affected by me and everyone is living happily and well.. that's for now..

i have a weird dream yesterday.. i only remember this part of the dream.. it was raining and i run under the rain.. using the rain to cover my tears.. why.. why was i crying.. i can't remember.. i guess.. i really prefer raining days and be in the rain.. maybe it will make me awake.. show the emotions that i have been hiding without myself knowing too, felt so real in the dream...

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