looking through some photos make me have the sudden urge to go to a beach or a holiday with the sand, sea and sky.. and i'm relaxing and tanning under the not so hot sun.. having ice cream and probably korean food or japanese ramen at a later time.. and probably a KOI or gong cha to continue to chill.. where have those days gone to..? sigh.. maybe i just suit for a one person life to do whatever and go wherever i wish to..

just hope that whatever we are doing or we are not doing is for the better for each other..

Oakley Sale!! - Hinder @ $250 ^_^

went to Oakley sales today.. reach 10am.. only got queue no. at abt 11.30am to come back at 1.30pm to view the eye-wear. each person is only entitled to 4 piece and to view for 15 mins. bought an aviator for $250 =x was told is a good buy as it is retail price $395 in SG although is £99 or USD119 at amazon.. is red colour and similar to the colour i saw last year which cost $400++.. this is the 3rd addition to my Oakley collection. all different style =) this one is Oakley Hinder. my sporty one is Endure and the other one is Betray.. hmm.. Endure the Betray and Hinder =x lol, that the sequence of my collection. haha..

let's see how the lymph issue on my neck goes ba..

went to see doctor on tue night as the lymph on the right of my neck got more and much more painful.. seen the doctor and he said this are lymph nodes.. there are 3 causes for this.
- virus attack therefore there is inflammation and it will normally come with fever, cough and will normally lasted a few days.
- TB.. also come with the symptoms of fever, cold sweats and stuff. doctor say mine shouldn't be this case as i didnt come in contact with ppl with TB.
- cancer. and when he say the term lymphoma cancer, it just kind of strike me that anything can be possible.

doctor gave me medicine and say if it is virus attack, the medicine should be able to help in ceasing that and the lymph nodes should be gone.. and if i didnt mention, i already got the lymph nodes for almost 2-3 weeks which the doctor also find it weird i guess as he say normally it should only be there fore a few days. and i didn't have all the symptoms that he mentions for any of the 3 causes.. and so.. he say if aft i finish the medicine and the lymph nodes come back, i should go for a blood test and test if it is cancer-related.. just see how it goes ba.. maybe it is just karma..

letting go of the past and embracing the present and the future.. let's work hard together.. someday somehow somewhere someone or somebody will succeed.

live happy, stay happy.. keep the sweet and happiness within you and the rest just inside you..

有時候，就是天意弄人，緣分戲弄人們⋯⋯

i'm starting to live my life again.. it feels great that i'm not dependent on you anymore.. when you lost a lover, you lost a best friend who know you inside out.. you might also lost a group of friends or is more then demoted.. from closer friends to just friends..

living my life now.. without much friends left around me but i'm still living, living fine and i will be fine.. and i should be..

失去的終究還是失去了。回來的畢竟也有了痕跡。難道能當一切都沒發生過，還是一樣的過日子嗎？想必人都是受了傷，也害怕重蹈覆轍，而對每件事都有了界線也有了戒備。

another late night with deep thoughts.. am i that difficult to be understand? or am i that scary that people are afraid to get close to? or is i'm afraid of getting hurt, that is why i try not to put too much in anymore..

is disappointing..

a sudden thought in my mind. in life, are we looking for that special one or we are just looking for company. whenever we are occupied with other stuff and other people, we will neglect and forget about that one.. only when we are no longer occupied, then we will return to the one... and we just come n go as and when we need company..

perhaps in this world, we are just making use of each other to fill in the empty gap..

recently isn't in a good mood.. everything not going well or smooth..

Stop being held back by the past. Learn to move on for a better future. Holding on doesn't bring you anywhere better esp. in a 1-way road. Maybe is a gain in some other ways...

i know i'm not in a position to be ask anything more than what a friend can ask. i also not in the position to even comment on anything. but somehow, i can feel that there is another gal in your life that is adding colour to your life already. maybe is just a colleague, is just a friend, a more 談得來 friend, but somehow, you 2 seem to be sharing stories, secret nicknames and codes..

well, i guess it is super crystal clear that yup, you are treating me as just a normal friend with only neutral feeling and not extra.. i wish you all the best in your future relationship. she seems like quite a nice gal and i believe with your character, things should be able to work out well in the future.

i stopped contacting you totally. i guess is a better way off. i'm not contacting any of our common friends already. maybe it is better way off too. our live don't meet anymore.. the paths cross and it went opposite or parallel that it wont cross in the future anymore. i know i lost most of my friends in my life, but i guess this is a price to pay. even they are here, it doesn't feel that real anymore.

things change, people change, life change.. i guess i have to adapt to all changes. there doesn't seem to be any more reason for me to hold on. you seems happy, you are happier. you enjoy your life. you are heading your life toward your goals. everything seems prefect for you now. somehow, it makes me think that without me by your side, your life are much much better. more order, more achievement, everything just seems to be in the good side. don't need to be afraid to hurt me ba. i guess i know it well that we 2 won't get together anymore. i don't know what is happening in your life, i don't know how are you coping with work and life. i don't know about your worries, problems or any troubles that you are facing.. i can't be there to just go through all these with you, i cant share your happiness, sadness, worries, frustration, agony and every other things.

you seem so far away from my life already. i don't seem to be in your life anymore already, other person and things have filled in the vacancy. i could only wish you all the best. little do we know, is almost 6 months already. it isn't a short time but it isn't that long too. but seem that you moved on and not more holding back anymore, it won't do you any good to even think of returning..

what have my life been.. haha.. work and study.. and no gathering or outing with any common friends. because everyone know if we are to meet, they will feel the awkwardness too.. i guess i choose to give them up upon the thought that they will be there for you.. is ridiculous maybe, but i felt it that way.. my life now is only left with work, colleagues, studies and that's all.. i try not to think abt this that i lost you, i lost most of our friends. don't tell me it isn't true but the fact and truth are just out and obvious.. even a comment i try to post on any of our common friend FB status and stuff, the kind of response that i get was...... they are like an acquaintance to me already. i tried by doing the first step of probably reconnect using FB, but it doesn't seem to work out.. i guess i shoudln't be trying so hard to knock my head against the wall ba. to be exact, they are more of your friends than mine already. relationship is no longer than last time anymore.

SP homecoming.. lol.. i thought of going but i don't know who will be going.. if in the past, i will be asked if i want to go.. but now, it isn't the case.. now, everything and everyone seems like stranger to me.. i'm just an acquaintance to everyone already. everything is taken away from me.. what i have left with is just myself and my workload.. you were something i work for and work toward. without you, my life is in a mess and i m feeling so lost.. i can only survive through every day by waking up and go work and do work and study.. something is missing in my life.. unfortunately, i have yet to find something to replace the space that was taken up by you. i tried already but i guess no matter how i try, the feeling can no longer be rekindle already. try out with that gal ba.. anyone is also a much better choice than me already. nothing will be able to rekindle our r/s and feelings already. you didn't want to tell me the harsh and hurtful truth, but i know it very well.. you are just being nice of not wanting to be harsh to such an extend. our road will not cross anymore and needless to say, how can feelings and relationship develop from there..

tell me you like that gal ba, or tell me you do have feeling for that gal ba.. 讓我死心好了.. don't torture me with that special communications that you have with her.. tell me the truth ba.. although it will be hurtful but i rather know the truth and really die once and for all.. i was also wondering if you did block me from msn.

sigh.. i have countless of suffering and toughs days and nights.. how can i always contain all these emotions well.. i really feel like..... which i know it is the wrong and worse way ever.. but, it is getting over my limits and i cant seem to be able to solve it even though i have been thinking and wanting to solve it.. who can save me from all these before i start to go out of control and do silly things.. collapsing soon..

learn to love yourself before loving others. but don't love yourself so much that you can love others anymore.. i must love myself more and more each day. everytime i love, i love others more. how i wish i could really draw a separation boundary for percentage of love. love myself 20% and the rest of 80% to love others, so at the end of the day, when others don't love you, at least you still have 20% of love and not feeling your whole world collapses..

this was once i was advised when my relationship failed. but till now, i have yet to master that loving yourself thingy as i always thought when in love, you got to love 100%. maybe only silly ppl do that and in the end only themselves got hurt..

看著那些照片，3年前的今天，還在熱戀當中，那時的我們是那麼的單純，那麼的天真，不需要為太多東西和將來煩惱。那時候的我們，只需為成績，學業煩惱。如今，也沒有了“我們”這兩個字。

3年前，你的生日，我們去吃 Sakae Buffet @ Marina Square...
2年前，你的生日，我幫你舉辦了一個驚喜(surprise) 生日派對。瞞著你，偷偷地安排了一切，動用了很多精力，邀請了你的同學，朋友和家人。
1年前，你的生日，我沒有幫你慶祝，因為是農曆初三，我還在馬來西亞過年。但是，安排了你要好的朋友們幫你慶祝。在那之前，也準備了一個驚喜錄影，幫你“慶祝”。
今年，你的生日，我沒能幫你慶祝，因為我再也沒有那個權利和身分再那麼做了。
以後你的生日，我也不會再幫你慶祝了。我只會祝福你過得快樂，健康和幸福。

我已經不會再留戀了。因為，我無法往前前進，只會原地踏步，也不會再感覺到快樂與幸福了。我也漸漸的把你遺忘掉，也漸漸的不再與你聯絡。漸漸的我會把你從我的生命里拿出來。我想要執著，但時機已過了，事實也很明顯了。不會再有機會和未來了。現在的關係，狀況就是我們最後的結局。祝你有個美好的未來和人生。

這次的我，真的要把這一切的一切都告一段落。不會有續集了。會把很多都忘了，因為懷念只會讓人無法前進。不要再告訴我，我要學會做更好的決定，要學會怎麼樣不把事情複雜化。現在，這些對我來說，感覺好想在跟我說風涼話。我學會了，也不把事情複雜化，但你的語言與行動讓我感覺好複雜。但居然你的話已經說得那麼白，我只會覺得你的動作不是真的，沒有特別的用意。我們之間已經徹徹底底的結束了，沒有回頭路了。

只會說 ”拜拜“ 而不再是 ”再見“，因為已經不想再見到了。

Dental appt this Monday, let's see how i handle my emotions to go to a familiar yet so stranger place now. but i believe with my determination this time, i won't feel any special emotion anymore. EVERYTHING IS A PAST NOW....

這次的我會變得很堅強，不會再讓自己流淚了。哭也哭夠了，哭也哭累了，眼淚也干了，眼睛也腫了，心也不再有波動了。人也瘦了，也憔悴了，情緒也沒了，崩潰也崩潰過了，憂鬱也憂鬱過了，所有的喜怒哀樂都有了，經歷人生的迷亂，人生的低潮，人生的悲歡離合，人生的挫折，失去了愛情，友情與親情。一切的一切好像在告訴我，我自己一個，沒有愛人，沒有朋友，我也能過得了日子，一個人也可以過得好好的。少了很多朋友，就算還是朋友的，友情已有變數了。能聊的，能聚會的，能很自然的，已經沒有多少了。已經沒有再和任何人談心事了，已不再聊這麼深入的話題了。我的世界只有我而已了。接下來的日子，就為自己而活吧。

bought an anklet from Lee Hwa to pamper myself and to tell myself that even though valentine day is near, i dont need a guy to treat me good or do i have to depend on him..

EDB LOT communication day --> quoted from our dept management.. meeting with supervisor and manager. feedback about us. communicate to us.. more or less hint to tell you if you are leaving to bond for 1.5 years or you are free to leave aft the training term end.. won't comment about mine if staying or leaving as was told this is kind of confidental and sensitive topic, shouldn't be discussing abt this.. everything still depends on HR..

今年說是像霧又像花的變動年。你的情緒波動起伏頗大，你最好得學會找出平衡點。 sigh.. my emotions are too extreme till i'm just waiting to collapse.. that's all.. if you can't handle them anymore then dont handle. just wait for the sky to fall and it might feel much better..

cried.tired.slept.

感覺像死掉。好想就死掉⋯⋯ 感覺好辛苦，好痛苦。快要撐不住了。已經不知道該如何是好了，就只想死。我的腦快要爆炸了，我的心一陣一陣的痛，一抽一抽的，感覺心快要荷負不了，要停止了。有想要嘔吐的感覺，只覺得我要不行了。我要崩潰了。

That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

feel like dying.. where's my motivation. where is my strength and push for my life.. sigh~~ feeling so dead..

i'm lacking something in my life to make me even feel like i'm living.. i didn't realise i used to live in the past but only now then i realise, i stopped living =(

i'm just waiting for the time whereby i feel numb about all these and back to those old time where by i will be independent being alone and not wanting to rely on anyone anymore.. suddenly, i wish i could be like the 'me' during poly year 1.. can be like the 'me' during uni year 1 after breakup.. somehow i wish i could be the then feeling-less yenwei now.. the yenwei that is just cheerful outside but no feeling inside.. when did i change to be like this? of not being strong and independent anymore.. not being so affected? someday sometime i just hope something bad will happen on me then maybe i will feel more appreciative of the situation now.. but i also hope something bad happen to be so that i could no longer be in any stand or right to want to be loved and love.. silly you might say, but yes, i'm that pessimistic.. but i can look and act till super optimistic and cheerful in front of others and lots of ppl.. so i guess my issue is i'm good with hiding my emotions from everyone and just waiting for myself to breakdown and get depression.. wahaha...