WHAT U WANNA DO IN THE FUTURE ? ? ?

just wake up not long ago.. is awake by my dreamz.. haf a few weird dreamz throughout the nite.. but noe they r just dreamz.. i haf to come back to reality.. they r just dreamz that will onli appear in my lala-land(dreamland).. they will nv appear in the real world.. i noe it very well.. but dunno y i can feel my heart aching when i'm dreaming.. the heart aching wake mi up from the dreamz.. they r suppose to be sweet dreamz.. but in the dream i look so well n ok.. but the real mi that r dreaming r like repelling tis "dream" mi.. my body feel totally the different things to the "dream" me.. haiz.. noe y people sae sometime they rather stay in the dreams n dun wake up.. but now for mi.. i wanna stay in my dreamz my body oso dun let.. i already feel so pathetic now le cant it just let mi stay in my dreamz for longer time.. cant realli rmb wat r all the dreamz about but there are alot of different parts.. but now i'm awake le.. back to the real world le.. the world which i dun like wat it is now.. it realli make mi feel i'm living 1 day by 1 day here.. used to love my life alot in the past.. got alot of things to look forward to.. not onli him but still got others.. i'll look forward to meet my frenz for gathering for gossiping n stuff.. i'll look forward to netball.. but now my life no him no frenz for gathering no netball.. haiz..

i nv look forward to study de.. actually i used to be hardworking at a certain part of my life.. i dun rmb studying for PSLE.. i do rmb studying for 'O' level but there r relationship problems for me at that point of time.. i do rmb studying very hard of my poly yr 1 de exam.. then as years go by.. i become more slack.. i still study.. but i guess i'm satisfied with the result i get so i nv put in alot more effort coz i think i did good enough n better than wat i expected but not as good as others la.. actually that day during 1 of my lectures, the lecturer ask us haf we think of wat r we going to do in the future.. i realise i dun haf.. actually i realise long ago i dun haf a "REAL" target that i wan.. i'm just studying now to get a degree cert 1st which every1think that a degree cert is more important than anything else.. but wat m i going to do aft i get my degree cert n return to singapore?? wat area do i wanna work in.. i dunno.. i realli dunno.. from the start i took Chemical Process Technology is coz i fail my O level eng.. then my best few subject is chinese maths n chem.. so i took up CPT.. then now i continue n take up Bachelor in Sciene (Chemistry) is bcoz is the onli thing i can carry on with.. i dun like business or engineering.. so i rather carry on to study wat i study for the past 3 years n dun waste my 3 years for studying something that i'm not going to use in the future.. so i took Chemistry.. but wat m i going to work as in the future.. everyone haf their own plan n noe wat area they r interested in.. but for mi.. it seems like dun haf.. actually my 1st aim is to be a PE teacher but too bad i'm not offer for as a PE teacher but as a CHinese teacher.. so my PE teacher is a past le.. now i study Chemistry.. so m i suppose to be a chemist? m i suppose to like Production, QC, Pharmaceutical all tis? i nv noe wat i wan in my life.. is not that i never think but i think i give alot of ppl the feeling that i dun think.. i DO think.. but i nv tell anyone abt tt.. i THINK more than u guys thought but i nv show or mentions to u ppl.. or should sae actually i think alot.. but even though i think for so long.. i still dun haf an answer to wat i'm going to do in the future.. xiaoying wanna be a teacher, michelle wanna be a tai-tai.. haha.. for mi.. starting de mi wanna study then go back work in some chemistry based industry n be with him happily.. that is wat i wan.. but then is bcoz of wanting to do my best n let him be proud of mi n nv regret to be with mi n support mi all the way.. n with a degree cert i can haf a better future n better pay n money wun be a problem in the future to us.. but sometime i realise that do think but i think TOO FAR AHEAD.. i nv think that 1 day this dream will be totally shattered.. guess is bcoz i think that we r so in love with each other we wun separated n will be together for very very long de.. but then the truth is already out.. ya we r so in love with each other but the time has already past.. u love mi no more.. no more i can sacrifice tis for u i can compromise u for tis.. i can bcoz of love u n wanna be with u i endure ur bad points n believe things can work out de n u will change for mi 1 day de.. but is the past le.. although that was realli my dreams for the past 1.5 years.. but the dream will never come true le.. sometime think too far ahead realli is not right.. tis 1.5 years i'm studying so hard bcoz i wan u to study hard n dun gif up on ur studies coz i still believe u can make it to a university de.. no matter how bad ur result r i believe 1 of the Uni in australia will take u de but is less or no exemption for u but u still can make it to Uni.. i didn't wan u to gif up on ur studies n fail any of the module coz i noe that will make it worst that u wun wan to continue study le.. i been trying my best to study n do well in every area like studies like netball so that it will make u feel that is bcoz of u u make mi become better n that will make u feel satisfaction.. i choose to hang on here no matter how tough it is here bcoz i scare i'll make u worry.. i choose to do alot of things for u for my family for everyone.. i guess i'm like living for others not for myself.. i nv like to study but i noe i need a degree cert so i die die oso must get a degree cert.. i'm slack but i still will study coz i noe wat i wan is a DEgree cert. but i didn't noe wat i wan in my life aft the degree cert.. i used to think that aft i get my degree cert n go back to SG.. i'll be with u n i'll find some nice paid job tt i like.. that will be my life.. n with some netball on friday n gathering with friends on some days coz every1 will be busy with life but need to catch up with each one life.. but i realise wat i wan for my life wasn't there le..

my lecturer sae he oso nv think of wat he wan when he study in Uni.. he onli noe he need to study to get a degree cert.. then aft he got his degree cert he dunno wat to do but his lecturer ask him do honours.. so he think "oh.. i just need to sign the form that is a simple thing" so he continue his honours.. then aft he got his honours.. he still dunno wat he wanna doing in his life.. then he continue to do his PhD.. then his supervisor during his PhD ask him "what u wanna be in the future".. my lecturer sae he "DUNNO".. so the supervisor tell him "OK, u will be a Professor in the future" so now he become a professor n thanks to him supervisor he develop interest in polymer science.. haiz.. mi n xiaoying was saying.. "dunno wat to do then end up with a PhD also not bad lehz" haha.. guess tis case wun happen on mi coz i noe i wun wanna continue honours here.. i kind of dun like tis Uni.. mayb i'll like it someday but now i definitely wun wanna take Honours here.. mayb i go back work n if i realli wan then study part time Masters or wat ba.. last time my life was planned n i realli thought of wat i wan but i nv tell u abt it.. but now it seems like i oso dun need to tell u wat i wan coz i need to restart my plan coz the "you" in my future plan is missing le.. although i still dream that the "you" will be there but in reality the "you" is gone without turning ur head back to noe how important u r to mi.. but.. wat done is done.. i think i realli need to think of wat i wan in the future but i've been thinking for the past few months n years.. i still got no answer even though there was once mi haf tis dream n plan to fulfill.. but is a dream n plan that can put aside coz it wun be of use again.. guess i'm nv in ur future plan.. although i realli wish my dream n plan can come true but i guess it clear that it wun come true le.. although i wan it so much that u will turn n walk back to my life but i think the day wun come.. i hope u walk back bcoz u realli need mi in ur future plan n dream n is not bcoz i force u too.. haiz.. but u already walk away from mi le.. i dunno will u still walk back.. but everyone is asking mi to move on.. i'm moving on but still hoping that 1 day u'll be moving with mi.. but that is just silly thought.. move on ba.. dun let others wry for u le... u have been a burden for so long.. isn't it long enough le.. u noe u haf to handle tis by urself.. if can handle it will be a great thing but not then just keep it in u n stop letting ppl wry for u..

i oso dunno i'll be like diana for how long.. to love a guy n be with the guy n love him without wanting anything from him, just wanna stay by his side and ignore the fact that the guy dun love u.. diana sae it is tough but she been thru' it for 2-3 years n onli she love zhihao.. it isn't easy for a ger to love a guy so wholeheartedly even knowing that the guy wun love her even with the guy telling her that he wun love her. i used to sae n feel that diana is silly but now i realli understand her feeling.. i oso dunno u will be like zhihao for how long or mayb should sae u can be like zhihao for how long.. zhihao so called "be with" diana for 2-3 years.. i oso dun understand y a guy dun love tis ger but still willing to be her boyfriend.. although at times zhihao treat diana hot n cold n he sae he dun leave diana coz he sae he scare diana will do silly things.. actually sometime we realli wonders wat is in zhihao mind.. he is willing to be her boyfriend for years but he nv sae before he love diana n he nv even think of getting himself a girlfriend that he love n y he willing to let diana to stay at his side.. sometime feel zhihao is cold-hearted but sometime feel he is very noble n good to diana at times n treat her very good but is once in awhile.. haiz.. sometime feel diana is silly but it seems that actually i'm even more silly than diana.. i oso dunno u willing to give in to mi till when coz u also sae u dunno u willing to "be with" mi till when.. mayb just a few days a few weeks a few months a few years.. i dunno.. or mayb until i graduated or mayb soon u'll get tired le.. sometime ppl r just selfish.. who will wanna be a person he/she dun love n stuck with him/her for years? if is u.. u will rather spend the number of days n years to find someone that u love rite.. so wat is on zhihao mind? he is not selfish? or he is just trying to be a good man? or maybe he is a bad man coz he is making diana going deeper n deeper? i oso dunno.. diana sae she used the months that she went to States to try to let go of zhihao.. she take those months as a test for herself n zhihao.. haiz.. how mani months then i need to try to let go of him..? but i realli dun understand a guy who dun love a ger is willing to be with her for years n nv think of leaving her but still care for her at times n be with her n stay at her side for so long.. has it become a habit that she is by ur side or is just that ur right "her" haben come by so u just stay with her? or u slowly understand her n feel her importance n missed the good times that u 2 used to have?n u realise how much she did for u she changed for u n sacrifice for u n realli make u realise her good n wan her back n dun leave her anymore not bcoz scare she do silly things but is bcoz u start to like her and u believe u can slowly start to love her..? but i think for our case.. u will nv rmb or miss our good times n my good point which can make u love mi n start over again but i guess u'll onli rmb my bad points.. haiz.. treat it as a responsibility coz u love her not bcoz of anything else.. haiz.. i guess LOVE is just something that nobody will understand it fully..

DUNNO got anyone realise i blogged something regarding "RESPONSIBILITY" not long ago.. guess at that point of time.. the word "responsibility" does not from the bottom of ur heart which u realli mean it but is to make urself feel better n at that point of time u did not even love mi le so tis responsibility is sae which make mi fell even deeper n believe u love mi but it was a lie.. from the point u sae that u already dun wan tis responsibility le..
"Responsibility is not bcoz of something happen then you take it. u take responsibility bcoz you love the person, want to take care & protect the person from any harm. Responsibility isn't a simple word. Responsibility involves lots of commitments and lots of scarification.
Are you ready for Responsibility & willing to take the Responsibility bcoz you love me? "
guess u nv realise how much it means n wat did responsibility realli mean when u sae that.. guess u nv realise u read tis sentence from my blog or u nv read tis entry ba.. u love her n treat it as a responsibility to be her is coz u love her is not treat love her as a responsibility.. guess now u r treating it as a responsibility to care for mi coz u dun wanna mi to do silly things n u'll destroy my future.. sometime i realli wonder u msg mi to ask mi how haf i been is bcoz u still care for mi or just treat is as a responsibility.. u still be with mi coz u treat it as ur responsibility to make mi complete my studies n wan mi to live safety not bcoz of anything else.. u took all these responsibility is not bcoz u love mi but is coz u dun wanna destroy someone future.. how long can u take up n willing to take up tis responsibility.. wat does responsibility means to every1.. wun u feel very tired with all tis responsibility? actually u can let go of all tis responsibility just like the way u let go of everything.. isn't it better for u.. u dun haf to take up any responsibility abt mi coz i'm not ur lover anymore.. from the start u take up responsibility is bcoz u love mi n wanna protect mi n be with mi.. so now.. u can just let go of all these the same way as u let go of mi.. take the responsibility onli when u love mi ba.. it will be more fair to mi n u ba.. dun take up tis responsibility unless u love mi.. dun take tis responsibility until u love mi again.. is better for u.. ur life will be better and happie n more relax without all tis responsibility.. sometime i do wonder what is ur reaction n expression when u see my name in ur email or when see my name or number appear on ur fone.. will u hope that i dun email u or call u n i dun exist in this world.. will u hope that u can dun ans or see my sms.. or mayb should sae u regretted knowing mi n be with mi.. u always sae u r glad that u broke up with mi.. actually u still care for mi is coz of responsibility n want mi to study well.. actually u can rest le la.. get a rest from mi ba.. u haf been very xin ku a year plus le haf been ren-ing mi for so long le.. get a rest ba.. i guess u r realli very tired le.. bcoz u r tired tt y u choose to let go le.. so take a rest away from mi ba.. if not sooner or later u will be very very tired with mi n tis 'relationship' n will collapse de.. i already collapsed once hope u wun.. take care ba..

grevin sae tis is wat will happen when a ger fall too deep in love with a guy.. the ger wun mind that the guy dun love her but as long as she love the guy n be with him that is enough le.. haha.. dunno y grevin oso sigh when sae abt tis.. haha.. guess not onli ger will be hurt in a relationship.. guy can also be deeply hurt.. but the one who will get hurt n suffer the most is the one who cant let go n fall in too deep.. the one who can get himself/herself out of it will feel better.. moral of the story : "dun fall in too deep in love" but then.. tis kind of thing can control de mehz.. love is love.. u wun noe how much n how deep u love that person until something happened or when he/she is not by ur side n you miss him/her deeply n how much u wanna be with him/her n stay by their side to accompany them thru' everything.. but then.. once again.. love cant be controlled.. cant control u to love a person.. cant control u not to love a person.. so wat.. best is dun have LOVE from the start !! haiz..

i'm growing up.. still growing.. but y is tis silly ger in mi growing oso.. guess every1 haf a silly part in them.. but it wun stop ones from growing up.. is good to be silly at times.. is good to haf dreams even though u noe sometime ur dreams nv come true but u r growing up from that dream.. n u r moving forward hoping to get ur dream come true. why m i still changing? guess i realli changed alot le.. my temper changed.. i dun blow up anymore.. not at all le.. i can listen to one even if i wanna stop one from talking but i will still let them carry on.. is tis a sign of mi growing up n becoming more mature? haha.. i oso dunno.. but i myself feel the changes in mi.. learn how to hold my emotions how to hide my emotions.. learn not to affect others mood even though u can b very sad.. but y m i chaning still? y m i changing at tis point of time..? haha.. but think the old mi isn't there le.. still growing up but still cant be the yenwei which realli laughing from the bottom of her heart or mayb is hurt too deep le.. i'm now the yenwei who can cheer ppl up.. who can make lame jokes to make others laugh.. i'm the yenwei who will onli let others noe i'm happie.. others wun noe i'm sad.. coz that sad or no mood de yenwei will hide herself.. i believe that if i'm in bad mood or no mood or even i'm sad.. i can affect others de mood oso.. y go n make another person sad or no mood when onli 1 sad is better than 2 sad.. mayb last time de yenwei wil be back.. but dunno when.. but then now de yenwei oso not bad wat.. no temper.. willing to listen.. understanding.. think for others.. n wun sae bad things or unsensible things that will make one not happy.. haha.. but then that might not be her true self.. or mayb that soon will become her le.. i'm not the old yenwei le.. mayb not the one who will laugh frm the bottom of her heart but no1 will realise tis de.. =) hmm.. ok.. enough craps le.. jiayou ba.. if u feel that u r changing to be the better than just stay tis way.. tis way others ard u will be happier n will not wry for u.. isn't it good.. at least i'm oso not angry abt myself.. i'm oso surprised with myself.. wat wrong with mi lehz? haha.. oso dunno..

ANYWAY.. HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY tO bERNICE TAN !!! enjoy urself n take care..


6 days to revision week. 15 days to 1st exam paper. 25 days to last exam paper.
28 days to bAcK tO SiNgApOrE ...