looking back on those photo and saw the video of the surprise birthday celebration.. tears just rolled down.. i really missed those days.. somehow i know i couldn't find that back anymore..

it took me a couple of months to realise and think through that that is the man i want to live with.. those happy, crazy, random and rubbish things that we are doing or talking, i just want to live that.. i missed that point of our life that crossed. i missed the blissful life that i have.. i cant bring anything back anymore. maybe my friend is right. even if you accept me, the scars are still there.. is too deep that we both will not be happy as we are living in the scars..

i really want to take you out for my life but i don't know how to.. i dont even know should i even drop by to watch you play bball matches.. i dont even know should i even go for those gatherings.. i feel like going but i'm afriad.. like a friend who know from aussie tell me, be a grown-up in it.. not that i didnt want. but you just mean that much to me.. i thought you were still here, i thought i still have you. but little did i notice that our distance are getting further apart.

i do miss you.. i still love you.. but i know i can't and i shouldn't be anymore.. it hurts. it still hurts even after so long.. i made your heart harden but i do wish i could make you come back but i know i shouldnt be. you want to rest, you need time for your own and the main thing is this is too huge a setback that we both couldn't get over with it. it is like a scar to us, that haunted us.. i understand that even if i want to patch back, is too late. things have change, feelings faded, situation is different from the past. i guess we could only move on as we wont be happy together anymore as the scar is always there. i also disappoint your family which i also dont know how to face them.

i could only let go now. there is nothing i can do or say anymore. after all these, we both changed, we couldnt be like the past happy-go-lucky kind. we will not be tightly bonded anymore. sorry that i hurt you.. i hurt myself too.. is a well-deserved to me as it could only be a lesson learnt.

goodbye. i love you but this is a love that is late. a realised-love and a late think-through in the mind. i never see us back together anymore. those memories. that days and times.. will be kept in the dark corners which i am not going to dig them out. it is sweet then but it feel sweet and bitter now. i cant be crying to sleep everyday. i cant be dazing my day off at work or at school. i cant be driving and thinking and tearing.. although this time how i wish i could tell you that "i finally think through and i found out what i want already. is you that i want. i could never be happy as i'm with you. life without you seems so aimless. although what we did in the past was so routine and maybe plain but it feels so much comfortable. with you around, everything seems just so right. i want to live with you forever." but... ..... it was never meant to be spoken..

i'm sorry and i regret on my previous decision and admit that i'm wrong for running away. is a late apology.. i could never bring you happiness anymore already. i'm leaving.. how i wish i could be as silly as years ago.. but i know i got to be grown-up. i can't force things to happen. you will be happier without me, at least is from now on.. since i can't be the one that give you happiness anymore, i will let others be the right one for you. it just didn't meant to be. i wish i could be forceful and try means and ways to get you back but this time i respect your decision. your decision of not wanting to be any r/s for the time being and to have more time for yourself and not wanting to think, plan for the other party, not having to care about anyone else. i will not force anything on this as i got to handle this an adult way. 分了就算了，不要再強求...