cried. somehow couldn't control the emotions.. it just suck..

当你对一切都没感觉之后，你就知道你病了⋯⋯
don't feel hungry at all.. didn't eat any food.. only drank a yakult.. last meal was arnold fried chicken and ice cream chefs at east coast road.. last in take of food was 9+pm last night.. and now.. i still dont feel hungry AT ALL..

為甚麼不殺了我，為甚麼要讓我活得生不如死⋯⋯ what doesn't kill you make you stronger. what kind of rubbish is that.. it makes me feel deadly-alive or living-death..

this morning, i woke up.. in a depression mood.. i don't know why and how.. but i woke up, i just felt sucky.. what's wrong with me or my life.. i thought i don't feel that lost anymore.. or is it that i forced myself to accept the fact that just study and work.. i'm not in the mood of studying.. not at all.. i feel like giving up on every single things.. it felt life is so tough now.. i don't want to depend or rely on ppl.. i thought i could be so well off being like this.. i'm not as strong as i thought i am.. recently, i'm starting to bring personal emotions to work already.. i cant give the don't care, forever cheerful or smiley face and attitude.. trying to suppress myself, i want my working image to remain and with no personal emotions into it.. what's missing, why it doesn't feel right about my life now.. or is there something extra, maybe i shouldn't even be studying.. i don't know.. i really don't know.. kind of hate my life.. feel my life is so sucky esp. at this age of 25 yrs old when i should more or less working toward a life i want. and maybe have some accomplishments for the past 25 yrs.. i just feel useless and i wasted 25 yrs of living in this world..

i think i need counseling. if not sooner or later, i will lost myself. the balance i need to have in work n in life.. when i was more childish, i always think ending life ends misery.. or when i cant think of any other solution and i feel stuck and no other way to go, i always think that's the way to go.. what a mindset i have right..

i hit my limit and threshold already.. i cant handle anything anymore.. i feel very tired and want to collapse already.. i'm not as strong as i thought i could be anymore..

so feel like dying already.. i need a break.. from everything and everywhere.. i cant cope anymore.. so many work, assignments.. emotionally unstable at times but definitely not at work if not will be too unprofessional. why do i still feel that it is still that tough to carry on living my life now... something is missing, i cant seem to find that back anymore... frankly speaking, i don't really like my life now.. everything isn't going smoothly.. nothing as planned or nothing is planned.. i think somehow i feel happiness isn't around me.. or maybe, i lost a lot of source of happiness and fulfillment.. what can i do??

getting to lazy to blog recently.. or should say my workload got more.. more work in company and more assignment due 2nd week of april for school work.. actually i think i did hit my limit already.. too much for me to handle.. sometime i just feel i cant even really breathe at work.. so many things to do, review, write, and settle.. sigh.. i did think that i cant make it for a more supervisory role.. i still got sch assignments which i have yet to even start.. revision not done yet.. i just feel i will flung this sem.. and the best thing is there is only 1 paper this sem.. when there are 2 paper.. i dont know how to cope already.. my plan is this.. if i dont do well for this sem.. i wil just drop my studies already.. i'm not that discipline, competent and capable of handling work and studies..

sometime i just think, how could i let go of all those good stuff.. things and people that are so good n nice to me..

but then again, it is for me to grow and maybe to let me know what do i want in my life.. if i cant get any better, means that i have misssed that best one.. if i did able to find a better one then it is fate that is treating me well.. maybe shouldn't be thinking that much at this late hours.. just enjoy the process even maybe there isn't any future as maybe this could be the best way out for now..

i probably shouldn't be insisting that much when you can't see that far.. enjoy and have fun.. no commitment, no responsibility.