what should i do? don't look in long term and just be happy with what i have in short term? it shouldn't be that way right? i should do it right-first-time... sigh... was it very difficult to believe in?

你裝作很滿足　我比誰都清楚
你的笑隱約透露著孤獨
快樂背後深深藏著痛楚
堅強的面對然後偷偷的哭　偷偷的哭

cried on n off for 45 mins with the tears that i can't really control.. another 15 mins after that to cool down n let the tear dried off.. i'm feeling depressed.. the moment i thought of my life.. the tear just keep rolling down.. my life is really, really not good.. i been thru' what i didnt ever thought will happen to me, which i know it will stay withe me for life.. my work life suck.. dont ask me why something i just cant mention or i might get blacklisted even though i feel unhappy at work.. my personal life worse.. i lost my interest in studies already.. i lost the target in my life.. i think i give up on searching for my love one or maybe i already missed that.. i used to always say i live for someone, i live for the one i love and who love me too.. now, i can't find the love already.. the thing that has company me thru the past few years are missing already.. the one that i always loooking forwards to in my life, is missing.. i need to find another thing to live for.. ppl always tell me live for yourself but somehow in the past, live for someone u love n love u feels great.. love make me feel alive n wanting to spend every single day with the lover and waking up with him by your side to cuddle u and u know u have each other in your life..

now, i don't have that.. i suppressed some of my feeling n thoughts, my emotions in day to day life and now i feel very tired and i can't control them anymore.. but aft the cry in the car with the rain and peaceful moment.. i know, love doesn't exist for me already.. time to move on, to search for other stuff to live for n work towards.. be strong, be independent.

i'm fine being alone.. i was able to go thru that in 2 years of my poly life.. i will be able to do it now too.. love only when the right one comes.. the others, withdraw all the feeling n emotions.. some wrong one can be worth the tear to learn how to love better but some are just wrong n still insist on the mistake.. enough of that.. dont ever rely on someone who cant even handle his own stuff.. dont even invest any feeling on that when the more u give, the more hurt u will get.. nobody will ever appreciate that..

the biggest regret in my 25 years old life... regrets that will be bring to coffin with me...

一个人生活

我想我可以习惯一个人生活 
我想我可以假装不曾爱过 
感觉如果要走谁能说 NO

我想我可以习惯一个人生活 
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺 
爱情是个梦而我睡过头

傷得我佷深很深

我怎麼會這麼傻，傻得這麼得可憐。傻到我以為再給你多一個月的時間，會有任何的改善。
突然之間，感覺自己真的很可悲。為甚麼要一次又一次的自我欺騙。
今天你的自私，你的不成熟， 你的軟弱，讓我看清了我自己。你無法承受壓力，就連自己都沒辦法照顧到，感覺很疲憊，感覺快要發瘋，快要崩潰。你承認你沒法承受要面對生活，工作，還要照顧到我的想法，要求等等⋯⋯

放手吧⋯⋯ 你不讓我走，但你又不能達到我的要求，弄得彼此如此的辛苦，狼狽不堪，為何呢？

這次，我真的會狠下心來，和你保持距離，不再聯絡。你我都知道不管是一個月，兩個月，甚至半年，一年，你不可能會改變的。重點是，你不能為了我而改變。你不可能為了我做很多事。

你傷得我佷深很深，你讓我看到原來感情可以是那麼的不堪。原來愛不存在，在你的世界里，有我，只會有喜歡而已。原來，愛是那麼的艱難才會得到。

我佷可笑吧。我真的受不了了。為甚麼不管我做甚麼都沒有辦法讓你愛我，甚至為了我而努力讓自己成為一個佷好的男友。是我的問題吧。因為我不是你的“那一個”，所以你至今還是那麼的被動。

我放手了，你徹底的毀了我的一生，但要謝謝你，讓我醒來。原來都是我的幻覺，該醒來了。就算你無意間被我老爸看見了，那也沒甚麼，因為，我並非是你的甚麼重要的人。

我的幽憂，不是你造成的。不需要感到抱歉，是我自己讓自己陷入這種情況，不能怪任何人。

不要再浪費時間和精力了，我不是你的對的人，我已經用盡我的所有，而你還是一樣無動於衷，讓我覺得我是那麼沒有吸引力的女人，那麼爛的女人。我也累了，心每次一陣一陣的痛，讓我覺得我的心佷不堅強。可能我近期來，胸前的陣痛和裂開的痛，可能是我這輩子，心痛太多，現在毛病和病症都來探望我。

我不能再這樣下去了。Bye...

i believe u can do it.. just believe in yourself..

i'm handling things well now.. it might still ache, get little each time. soon, u will know u get over with it.. same to u too.. i believe u tried to love but u just can't.. so i chose to believe, it just wasn't meant to be.. jiayou k. i believe one day u will be great just being yourself..

be happy. be confident. be motivated. be discipline. be proactive.

i'm just fine like this.. why do human like to assume and link? ohh well... that makes us human..

time to work hard for my studies.. presentation next week.. weekly discussion board.. one 40% report on natural product drug/molecule to write on. 60% exam (with 30 journals to read on)..

think i half twisted my ankle while walking on an uneven path -_-" weak ankle that i have.. really need to exercise to strength my ankles..

don't try to treat me nice and please me.. u know u can't do all these for long term..

don't have the hope that i will return.. please change n improve yourself for yourself and not to think that is a way to get me back.. i really hope u got mature and start planning your life for your own good and for the one who you will be together in the future..

this is the first time i'm firm in my stand and telling myself to not soften my heart anyway.. i know i can't live with you being like this.. i might close one eye now but some day i will just explode.. is not that i don't want to compromise.. but there is some basic things in r/s that should be there and not to ask for compromising on that.. i can't do it that way.. maybe i just don't love you that much to be able to accept u as you are.. if i really did, maybe i won't pick so much on you.. maybe it isn't your fault.. maybe is just me who know that you aren't the one for me but i kept trying and tell myself to give u and give us more chances and maybe soon, it will work out.. but somehow, after ample attempts. i start telling myself, we aren't heading anywhere.. maybe ur dad think u are ready, but we know u aren't.. we aren't ready for the next step.. we know it too well..

now, i can only tell u.. jiayou.. change for ur own good and for yourself.. change only if u think is necessary and u feel that u should.. don't change just because i say so.. don't change and feel forced, you won't be happy at the end of the day.. sorry if i hurt u.. sorry that i didn't stay long.. sorry that i decided to give up and walk my own life now.. u did want to not start at all but in the end we still started.. sorry to have caused all these.. i guess initially i thought we could really work out even though there was some issues on my side to settle my own feeling and forget abt the past.. thank you for not being harsh and expect me to forget and move on.. i know u didn't mind me having some other ppl in my heart.. coz u know my person is still at ur side.. but it isn't fair to u.. i told u i have moved on.. i put down.. i really did but i hide it deep down which i didn't want to touch it anymore.. coz somehow, it got to be hidden or i might get affected or use it to compare etc.. i tried to shift n focus on us.. i tried to tell myself that that love wont get anywhere anymore so i shift it.. i did really fall in love with u at some point of time.. but somehow it didn't last.. i guess it was a 2 way thing.. maybe i still like u, but i'm telling myself now to stop liking u or to even love u.. coz at the end of the day, we still won't be together.. feeling not that strong.. like but no love.. afraid of lot of things.. there are many many factors to us already.. too much for u to handle and want to solve them asap instead of leaving them as they are.. u have to start thinking, planning.. u have to be able to take care of urself, know what u want before u can have another person by your side.. now i leave u for the reason which u did disclaim before.. sigh.. i'm sorry.. i shouldn't have ask to start.. i shouldn't be afraid of loneliness and thinking that at least i have somebody to talk to, to rely on, to make me want to work hard for a future with together.. we have different plans.. different thinking and mindset.. we have different goals in life.. our timeline can't meet.. we aren't in the same boat.. some things i just want to make it right and want to solve and prevent misunderstanding but it doesnt seem for your case.. i don't know is u care less or u really doesn't mind.. we just don't have something in common to work together and work towards it.. maybe is i expect too much..

i did want to settle down and be there for u.. but somehow to you, settle down is to save u the trouble to making effort and not because u want to have me by your side and not that u are happy to stay with me for life.. this is something i can't accept.. sorry to make u afraid of me, afraid to share things with me, afraid of being frank with me, afraid of me scolding u if u say something i didn't like.. even though i told u i might sound like scolding n unhappy with certain things u tell me, but is because i care and affected by it.. why u want to do things that u know will be misunderstand n make me sad n not secure.. i told u my 'scolding" n nagging is just for that while and after that i will be okay.. but u will be afraid of me aft that.. how to continue a r/s with fear of such issue.. u are afraid of my character, u can't accept that actually i'm like that.. i can't accept u for everything i must tell u to what to do.. even if i tell u what to do n what not to do and with explanation etc, u still have ur own mindset n thinking of the reason of why me being like that.. is hurtful.. we can't be open with each other.. we can't accept each other as we are.. we can't accept/afraid/dislike of certain characters of ours..

i want a man who love me, really love me. a man who is open to me and we can talk abt anything under the sun/moon/sky.. a man who faces issues and really try to solve them.. for now, you aren't the one.. whether or not u will become one or if my expectation will change, that will be in the future.. maybe some days in the future we may be back together and stay happily ever after.. maybe we will never be together anymore coz feelings fade, things change.. maybe some days in the future, u will meet a lady who can accept u as u are and doesn't need you to change this change that.. after some time (maybe days or weeks or months or even years), we will forget each other, we will move on with our individual lives.. i'm really thankful for ur company and going thru' these days with me.. helping me with my studies and not giving up on me whenever i have difficulties dealing with my own feelings, heart and mind.. we do have happy memories.. but it could have be better and might last if u are more to what i want from a r/s...

sorry that i left all of a sudden.. i know ur family might ask u why and what happen to us.. i know ur friends who met me already might ask u how things b/w us.. i know u will have trouble replying.. sorry, shouldn't have ask to meet ur friends so that i can know u better and how u are like with them.. i'm sorry if ur parents make thing hard on u.. but really thank them for treating me so nice too.. asking me over for dinner, buy breakfast, even got a camera for me (but i didn't accept the gift =x sorry for that).. like i tell u, i wish u could love me.. at least i could see ur dad loves ur mum that much but i cant see that for us....

sorry if i never return, cause high possibility of that...

is just habit, used to it, rather have it than lost it.. is just companion, it is not love.. u are affected because u lost someone who will care n worry abt you, not because u lost someone who you love and want to have her by the side for the rest of your life.. is different.. really different.. we got to face the fact that this isn't a love relationship.. it seems more like making use of each other to satisfy the needs n wants.. like i always say, this isn't the kind which so in love and so want to be together and not separated.. this is not the case..

i know i'm harsh and cold now.. i guess i'm tired already.. i dont know how many time of this cycle i got to go thru'.. u refuse to grow up, mature and really improve our situation by facing those issues. we dont solve issue, so we cant nv grow strong together, hence making our r/s not strong at all.. i have been thru this cycle too many times till i'm going to be numb n really heartless.. u dont know what u want in life, what u want.. u dont want to improve, solve our issues and just letting the issues present there.. they surface up always and this make me feel irritated that why after months, the issues (not all, but i wish at least some) are really solved and so we can move forward together... but no.. it never been that case all these while.. u keep saying u will change, some day.. u need more time, u are slowly but at least is improving n changing.. but i can only say it is too little n slow, it wasn't enough to make me want to stay or wait any more longer.. like i always tell u, after 6 months, after 1 year or i give u even more time, u will not change much.. coz u feel there wasnt anything wrong n thinking that i will still be there.. sorry, for this time, enough is enough.. thank you for not abandoning me (although i wish if u did that, things might be much simpler) during the tough time.. because i been thru what happen recently, it really makes me think through, think a lot and make me feel that i might be firmed already.. i might be depressed, i might be having some syndrome.. i dont know, but at least, this time, i know i might do the right thing, think the right way for myself and stop torturing myself with the waiting and expecting game.. it will never happen..

thank you for offering to be with me whenever i need.. but i guess is time for me to be strong, even if lonely, i might still carry on my life.. i can't forgive myself for some stuff that happen in my life.. even if i will be alone for life, some thing will just remain as a stain in my life as i feel it matters alot.. i think is my own fault for causing this to happen.. i won't blame anyone but myself. i know u are willingly to be with me after all these but to me, this isn't enough.. i cant be with a man who doesn't love me, doesn't like me (in ur case) enough to even want to change n improve himself urgently.. it just makes me feel very pathetic everytime i thought of being with somebody who doesn't love u.. perhaps, i just wasn't the one for u (i told u so).. i cant let myself love a man who doesnt love me, who is calculative in r/s.. because of ur action, u did make me not to love u that much, u make me take back my love and the thought of going all way out just for u.. maybe i just didnt love u enough too, hence making me so calculative too.. since u don't love me, i won't love u too, this was my mindset..

i need a man who can take care of me, know me well of what i want, what i don't want, what i'm thinking of, be there for me (not just physically), who i feel reliable n dependable, who i want to be with everyday and always.. i need a man who see love as much important as me, who want to see me everyday as much as i want to see him.. a man who communicate with me openly and care-freely.. i need a man who can be himself n me be myself when we are together.. a man who love me alot alot and treat me very importantly from the bottom of his heart. a man who has me in his plan and having our plan to work towards the same goals/targets.. a man who wants to be together with me as much as i want to be together with him.. i'm not looking for companionship but looking for a soulmate, life time partner, best friend, family.. a guy who plays a huge part in my life n who i turn to when i need help or just a hug.. i know i want too much.. i know there isn't such a person present.. but i still believe in love.. someday, i will meet someone who are like that, just right for me.. going all out for me like i go all out for him.. to me, love is very important.. i can do a lot for love..

心裡的那一份感情，要永遠藏在深處⋯⋯ 那已是沒有資格的愛了⋯⋯

do what is right..

i could only say after what i feel n see.. we aren't going to head anywhere.. with the rate that u set for yourself, just for yourself.. i can't slow down to suit you.. after so long, what i heard are still "need time", "i'm trying", "at least i try although progress is slow".. i dont know.. till now, i still feel u are still thinking n caring for yourself more.. i'm tired with the push, the nag.. i really don't know how.. u are not that "much want it" than me.. so u are taking own sweet time.. as for me, if u aren't so, then let's not waste time.. wasted too much and at the end of the day, we are back to square one..

i used to have everything that i want.. friends, boyfriend, family, life, enjoyment, work with money, happiness.. i lost all coz i was confused with what i wanted in life when actually they were already in place for me without me realising the importance until i lost almost everything.. i know very well what i need in my life.. i cant let go of principles, my aims in life for u.. first thing first u didnt prove n show that u worth it.. i gave u as much as i cant but u make me take back as much as i can soon too.. since u aren't behaving as a mature n grown-up n don't like to deal with situations n stuff.. let me take the decision for u.. i'm selfish this time round again..

i can't live a life now.. feeling the ache in my heart whenever i think of what i have lost n what did i even gain in this one year of my last r/s.. u blamed me for things which u u dont even understand what i'm telling u.. i hint, i tell u subtly.. i do everything but in the end, u still think that i'm forcing u to do things u dont like but nv even think of what is my point behind my words, what i really mean.. i'm disappointed.. after so much of "1-way" communication from me to u.. u still dont understand what i mean.. i'm tired already. u are a grown-up.. i'm one too.. i'm tired of need to care, worry u like a "kid" of u forgetting this, doing wrong things.. i need a person who can take care of me, take good care of me.. i explained to u why it shouldnt be that way, i even tell u what to do but in the end of the day, u refused to do it.. so when i tell u again, u ask me what u should do.. didn't i tell u already, why u dont take my words in heart.. u hate ppl telling u what is right n what is wrong n ask u to do what n not to do what.. but u don't even know how to draw a line in most of the things.. how u expect me to even feel that u are trustable n dependable..

the issue that we have since day 1 isn't resolved at all.. why? u should know the reason very well.. i'm tired already.. find somebody who can accept u fully as u are n dont expect u to change or improve yourself... find somebody who can accept ur way of like rather than love, ur way of 'expressing' ur like.. your way of thinking n etc.. we just cant work out.. you are so calculative in r/s with the giving n taking.. this is a tired r/s.. making each other have bad day. instead of giving more, i take back most so that i won't be giving too much since u refuse to give that much.. n feel like if i want you to do something, i must do it back to u too.. everything is like a 1-to-1 calculation.. this isn't a r/s at all.. u refused to learn to have a good r/s.. stop giving me excuses that u aren't experience or good with it.. i give u time to learn.. i tell u what we should emphasize on.. like communicate, sharing to understand each other more.. told u how it should minimally be like for a r/s.. how should we treat each other.. after times n times u asked for, somehow u feel complacent abt us.. i have a limit for tolerance.. i gave u more than enough time but in the end u feel forced to behaving in a certain way.. well, in this case... why not force each other anymore.. i cant accept not even having most of the minimum thing in a r/s that should have. u are trying to make sure that u didn't change (which u refuse to) and thinking of "compromising" so in this case. u can still be what u are in the past.. since u cant give more so i also dont give much at all.. what a weird n unhealthy r/s it will be..

i already dont know what more i can do to it already. i feel i really tried my best already.. i dont know how to make u think less individually, think more mature.. i dont know how to communicate with u as it is always a 1-way conversation.. even if u intend to share, u give min. details and expect me to keep probing u, which i find it kind of irritated that u cant say a full sentence with details.. u tell me is a grown up habit of yours so when u tell ppl thing, u just say the surface without any explanation.. n u expect me to understand u. without background knowledge and out of nowhere and think that i can link what u are talking abt.. i really dont know what u want.. or maybe i should say u feel comfortable having someone taking care of u n yet on ur side not needing to put in too much.. i dont know what u want from  the way u are acting and thinking.. i already cant do anything on my part already.. i cant see from ur action how much u really want things to work out fine between us.. the longer it drags, the not-strong-foundation will collapse anytime.. as time drags, the heart turns cold with the sight n feel.. u hate pressure but u dont even push yourself hard enough.. i'm speechless at times.. sometime i can just close one eyes n pretend is alright. but time after time, u make me feel unworthy.. u make me feel that i cant be the reason for u to improve, to be a better person.. u make me feel that i wasn't the one that can make u a better person, that u can go all out for.. at the end of the day, u make me doubt u.. that 'like' of yours for me cant never reach the stage of 'love'.. i guess what i wish from u is what a person will do n change for the person he/she love.. but i'm not in your case..

i told u i didnt compare but there are some basic things that should be present in r/s.. although u company me always but i feel empty.. empty in the heart.. i feel we aren't connect.. maybe what i wanted is really too much to ask for.. but i guess i m looking for a person who love as much as i do and we are align with our mindset and approach.. character may differ but at least there is a common target and goals that we want to reach it so badly.. this i think must be common.. if different path, different values, different goals.. is just like 2 parallel lines.. shouldn't cross and will not cross each other path in the future.. yes, i'm looking far.. i want a future.. i know very much now what i want.. chances n times can be given but not always n for too long.. sometime but one has tried that hard, he/she will just give up..

the darkest day ever..