哭了⋯⋯ 眼淚不聽話的流了下來⋯⋯
怎麼會哭了？ 不是答應過自己不會再哭了嗎。
撐得好辛苦，要裝得若無其事， 不要影響到其他人。
我好累，感覺好疲憊。

就让我易默易默就好……

我想出国，远离这里，到一个岛屿…… 只有蓝天，白云，沙滩和清澈的海水，让我能忘记所有的一切。 我到底该如何是好？ 我想我病了，病得我已不再是我了。 可我，还是能以笑脸来应付每天的到来。 我好像累了，超越了我的极限。

我好想哭。不知道为什么而哭，但就觉得我好像快要撑不住了。 每天以笑容面对每个人，但对着镜子的我，怎么会觉得镜子里的我好可悲。 有时候，我在想 “那个才是真正的我”？ 是那个以假面具对待所有人的我吗？ 还是那个每天嘻嘻哈哈的我？ 还是那个隐藏着一切的我，装得很坚强的我？ 我自己都不晓得哪个才是真正的我。

我，好像已经失去自我了。 每天就让自己满绿于工作，早上班，迟下班，加班，就这样过着每一天。 周末，就睡得很晚，起来就一天吃一餐。 唯一让我很高兴的是，我瘦了。 在这半年，我瘦了 6 公斤，也因为去年我重了 5 公斤。 这两个月以来，我就瘦了 2-3 公斤，感觉不错。 大家都说我瘦了，可我也不知为何我的胃口变小了，到有时有点不健康 =X

我，我少了人生的目标。 在寻找我活着的意义，定义是什么…… 为何，我仍然感到迷失，找不到方向…… 现在的我，就麻醉在工作里 （还在公司里）。 对于工作，我也不知道我要些什么，很可悲吧。

好吧，就让我易默易默就好……

i shall have an early rest today and head to office early tmr to get some work done.. even though i brought my laptop back home today, somehow, i'm not in the mood to do any work though is urgent.. shall be disciple and be in office by 7am tmr to get work done.. gambatte..

kind of tired.. ended work at about 7pm today. drop meiping off at boon keng before i head to sengkang to get my new pair of netball shoes from peishi. bought the asics netball shoes at $130. think the retail price is about $189. so kind of save a bit.. but i kind of stopped netball already and also don't why i still get a pair of netball shoes. anyway, is a good court shoes. can go gym, run or play court games (like tennis). but now i'm just too lazy to do any exercise.

i'm tired le.. going to sleep and wake up at about 5.45am so that i could be in office about 6.55am tmr.

the problem lies on me...
i'm the problem..

had a super long sms chat.. guess this was the longest sms chat that we had since so long.. checked out on me.. spoke some stuff and shared some thoughts.. i'm alright k.. need not worry about me.. i'm not that silly that will do any foolish things like the past.. not that i don't trust you or not wanting to share with you. just that i'm afraid.. i'm selfish. i know if i still keep close contact with you, i will make things difficult for us. i know you are still there for me.. still care for me.. i know when i need someone, u will be here just for me.. but i don't want that.. not because i don't trust you or feel uncomfortable.. but i'm just stubborn.. i want to and wish that being alone, i can make it through.. i know if i meet you.. i won't talk much though maybe i got lots of stuff to tell you, coz you know me more than others.. thank you.. i really appreciate that.. i don't know if i will still meet you.. i don't know if i can handle situation well.. i'm an emotional person at times but at times, i can be very rational and logical..


30 days of minimum or no contact start today.. it might seem kind of long as it is likes a month.. but maybe is too short to think about a lot of stuff.. let's see how things go from here.. anything can happen in this 1 month.. maybe after 1 month, one can be so clear of what is want and what is need.. one might realise that things aren't that important as thought/seen. one might realise which is more important and which is not.. one might move on with life..

oh well, i should not think so much.. work is getting tougher for me.. need plenty of rest and work is taking up too much of my personal time. i need a work life balance. but.. what's life for me..? hmm...
anyway.. goin to be october le.. is time for me to think about my studies plan.. will know the result of application on oct/nov.. i need to think if i am really going to take it or not.. i'm unsure.. sometime i just hope i got a crystall ball or someone to ask for an answer.. although i will ask questions on why should i do this and shouldn't do that.. coz i want to be convince and then do it full-heartedly.. so, what should i do..? should i continue to study if my application is successful, or should i not study yet as i'm unsure of what i want to do in my life..

felt lost.. don't know if i'm heading towards the correct direction when i don't even know where to head to..

one friend mentions to me: Is okay to feel like this now, but after 2 or 3 months, you should be moving forwards. You shouldn't be feel like this after that, you got to do something with your life.

well, back to the same old question: WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE?
well, back to the same old answer: I don't know, i really have no idea at all.
well, i guess i really have not grow up, have I?

at this age, why am i still feeling this way..
be rational.. be logical.. please..

這世界好假，就連我自己也是假的

不要來打擾，我想我自己可以過得很好⋯⋯ 原來，我失去的，也包括友情。 不要再說了，我誰也不需要，這世界好假，就連我自己也是假的。 我不需要朋友，不需要情人，我自己一樣可以過得很好⋯⋯ 誰都不要來煩我，我要活在我自己的世界里。 不要告訴我，你們都在，感覺是一種笑話，我就是那個笑話。 我也太天真了。 全部離我遠遠的，我誰都不想應酬⋯⋯ 越遠越好⋯⋯

how nice is it to see that picture of people that u are close to.. or maybe i should say.. used to be closed to having celebration without you.. well.. i just i just got to face it.. i don't need anyone now.. not a single friend.. i can just be myself.. i no need anyone.. not any family (i cant choose that, so be it), any friends, any lover or what so ever.. but weird it feel like.. ya.. maybe i'm the one in wrong.. or to the whole world.. i'm the wrong one.. so be it.. leave me alone like you all have already did.. don't come back and find me.. i no need anyone.. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU..!! not anyone.. just leave me alone.. i know i not in the place to be angry since the whole world say i'm at wrong.. i have not right to be angry, to be pissed or what so ever coz to the WHOLE WORLD i'm the wrong one cause i choose to not follow a normal path that everyone say is the best and safer and right.. forget it.. why bother with all these right since i already come to this stage..

fine.. i know what to do.. don't come and Facebook me or sms me.. i'm not going to reply to any.. not to any single one.. just simply leave me alone k.. i'm the fake one.. but somehow, i find this world is so fake too..

ya to the whole world.. i'm the one at fault.. i'm the one at wrong.. i'm suffering or what so ever is i deserved it.. whatever, i don't give a DAMN..!! all just go away.. just get out of my life.. i need no one.. not a single one of you.. just just.. just all get lost.. i just want my one person life/world.. i don't hate anyone, except myself.. well, at this stage, i hate no one, not even myself.. i can live my life, being alone.. no need anyone.. enjoy yourself as i think life without me, everyone feels better..

i understand why you all do that and never ask me or what.. i know because situation will be awkward, have to think of both clique and stuff.. but do you guys think that you tell me the reason, i will not be understanding.. i will say "i'm fine with that, you guys carry on".. but somehow.. i felt i'm the forgotten neglected one.. which i know i should be.. is alright.. i know why u all decided on this.. but i felt disappointed.. not because of what, not because i'm not invited, is more of how u all looked at me.. i can be unreasonable but not the that extend, am I..? i know what to do for the best for everyone, do i still seem that childish and not grown up..? i don't know what i'm angry or disappointed about now.. is not a big deal right, how do i need to make a fuss out of it right... i'm tired le.. i shall be understanding, grown-up enough to make everyone life great and not so torturing or unpleasant..

- I'm shutting off from this world, LEAVE ME ALONE -

alright.. how weird can it be to see photos of people that you know.. but without you inside.. well.. i guess.. this is what i should be facing.. bye and good night people.. 原來，我真的是應該活在自己的世界里⋯⋯

DO NOT DISTURB...!!!!

i had most of what i have craved for.. just in one day, i have dark chocolate fondue, waffles with chocolate ice-cream, Mrs Field Brownies (as tmr breakfast) and KOI (Milk Tea + Ai-yu).. today is such a fruitful day (*^_^*)

活在自己的世界里

我想我可以，我也能獨自一個人過生活。
一個人會比較好嗎？
一個人會比較好吧⋯⋯
活在自己的世界里，把所有人都鎖在外面。
不讓，也不再讓人闖入⋯⋯

i'm tired..

physically tired till somehow i don't feel the tiredness even though i have been working 16, 12, 16 hours of work with only 4 hrs of sleep.. somehow i know i'm tired but it wasn't register into my mind..

mentally tired.. from all the loads that are on me.. work is the main part of it..

emotionally tired.. don't know is there even this term but somehow i think i'm like that.. i can be so emotionless till sometime it also makes me wonder, who am i..

cab to office with weiling today at 6.20. reach office at about 7+.. drink a cup of coffee and started work.. have late lunch at 12.20pm.. have porridge, coleslaw and tofu with minced meat. i didn't finish my porridge, somehow don't feel that hungry.. didn't have dinner coz even till 8+pm.. i still don't feel hungry.. only drank water.. till now, i don't feel hungry.. is my body overwork till i can't tell or feel anything.? only have that little food for the day but don't feel hungry even though my day is so long.. took cab back from office at 11.55pm.. still don't feel hungry.. i guess.. i have successfully reduced my appetite =) which to me of course is a good thing like that i can eat less, spend less, weight less..
if tmr i can fast for a day.. i think i can have 1 meal a day le =)

現在的我，很開心也很快樂⋯⋯ 雖然可能沒有很充實，但覺得很自在，沒有壓力，沒有煩惱。

隨心所欲⋯⋯⋯⋯ 想出門就出門，想睡覺就睡覺。想自私就自私，想為別人著想 ，才為別人著想。想不理會，就不理會。想管才管，不用去在意，擔心那麼多。 現在的我，是為我自己活，不需要去在意別人的看法和說法。沒有牽掛⋯⋯ 想做壞人，就做壞人⋯⋯ 不用擔心牽扯到別人⋯⋯

我是我自己⋯⋯ 為自己，自私自利的人⋯⋯ 不去在乎，開心就好！！！

findings for today: Don't Regret. You must be happy at the end of it =)

我已經放手了⋯⋯ 很抱歉，我沒有選擇了你。不是因為 2 年 7 個月的感情不值得，而是，我的心已經轉移了。
對不起⋯⋯ 沒有奢望你會不生氣，會原諒我，我是自私的。 我選擇了感覺而不是習慣，想離開那個安全區，去尋找我要的。

有一天，你會找到一個比我好千千萬萬倍的女生。你會忘記我的，也許沒那麼快，或許也可以很快。
還是要謝謝你這些年來的照顧，在我需要人陪的時候，都在.

看到你，想到你，我就不知道如何放手⋯⋯

so not in the mood of doing any work.. sigh~~

SAFRA Singapore Bay Run & Army Marathon 2011

went for SAFRA Singapore Bay Run & Army Marathon 2011. as usual, is father's company event and we joined the 5KM Fun Run.. what i could say is that it becames a little bit of run plus alot of walk coz there are too many people. Walk for 1 hour (5KM) from Esplanade to Padang. Pass thru MBS, to Sheares Bridge then to Marina Square then Funan IT area then Padang (Finishin point).. what makes my day today is one of my father's colleague ask me what i'm doing? Studying at Secondary School or Polytechnic..? then i stared at him for awhile and laughed until my mother say I'm working already.. this is so funny.. think the uncle eye-sight got problem =x then he ask my youngest sister where she is studying now? JC? i cant stop laughing coz she is only Sec 2 =x told my sister she can become my elder sister liao =x haha..


The thought of the 2K made my heart ache.. 感觉心隐隐作痛.. But I guess this is incomparable to yours.. But I can't help but feel the pain too, not only because money but other things else too....... somehow it feels great chatting with you on MSN.. no pressure and can talk about anything under the sky.. sometime i did ask myself, will i fall for you again..? hmm.. is up for time to tell me the answer..

you told me that you are afraid that i will get hurt and be bully by others but u can't help but wanna let me go for the risk as u cant stop me.. i'm very selfish right? i think so too.. you also say something that i kept in my mind..
Be observant during dating. don't put in so much when you don't know the person well cause you are afraid in the end of the day, i will be hurt and hurt badly.. i can only promise you, i know i might be hurt but maybe i need to learn it the hard way. i won't let you see i'm hurt, i will recover before u see me =)
you also say.. maybe, maybe only.. my faith is shaken cause i have choices to choose from that why i couldn't settle down.. i'm sorry for that.. i really appreciate you being so understanding and accepting me for who i am.. i know you love me that's why you let me go n explore and hoping that one day i will return unhurt and back to you fully and only to u.. is really very sweet of you.. really..

i know you love me with no limit and he like me only.. i know you are willing to give me everything and anything that you could, but he couldn't do that yet.. is very foolish of me right.. but.. i guess i'm just that silly.. i won't say i don't love you anymore but i do like him.. how can 1 person fall for 2..? i'm very not devoted right.. haiz.. maybe in the end of the day, i will lose both, which i know might be the case, but now. i choose nobody.. life is good for now.. not going dating with anyone and i tell you i will let you know if i'm officially going dating with anyone coz u say u wanna be mentally prepared if saw me with someone else on street.. though u will be sad but u wanna know.. thanks miiee miiee.. i also told you, let me know if u are going dating too..

我有點想你⋯⋯ i let go of a super nice and caring guy who will go all out for me and give me unlimited support and love and also accepting me for what I am.

i know i will never be able to find someone like you anymore. you are the best guy i have ever met, but I let go of your hands. i know i will miss you, miss those days we have and miss your hugs and kisses. Australia has most of those sweet and happy memories we have.

2 years 7 months, a period which i won't say is too long but it isn't a short period of time too.

if everything can start all over, how things will be like now..?


Quote of the day given to me: Life is short, don't live in regrets. Even if you know it will hurt, don't look back, look forward, is too late.

Question: can one really don't live in regrets?

la la la la la la.. la la la la la ~~~ i smurf you.. i'm so smurfy addicted =pPp

time for recovery... new month new start.. hope work will get better.. jiayou..