has some chat with another friend regarding r/s.. a lot of enlightenment although some were already told to me.. is just whether i want to take it and follow the approach anot.. sigh.. is difficult to type most of the content out but at the end of day i know i'm the one making the decision.

whether a not to give the other person a chance and just focus on a r/s with him and forget abt the past one.
whether a not i should get back together to the one that i know is the best for now..

in any case, i got to forget and let go of one of them. i cant have 2 as i never think of that too.. just that in any case, letting go of anyone is tough as situation doesn't allow.. one will always be in my mind and heart. the other one will always be around me too.. how..? i know is tough but i must make up my mind on one and that is it.. sometime i did even wonder, am i that good that a gal like me still got the chance of having 2 guys like and to be stuck in this situation. sigh.. is never a good thing since i'm a sentimental person.

today is the last day of 2011.. a lot to think so, a lot to reflect on, a lot to decide on.. i've lost more than what i gained. probably taken more than gave. a new life in 2012 which i've yet to get use to the changes. where should i head to today or i should be rotting at home doing spring cleaning so i just feel like going, to whichever, wherever.......

i have so much to do but i just don't know what to do.. i have so much to say but i don't know what to be say and what to be kept. i should be moving forward now rather than always taking a step back.

a sudden thought that i will be studying and working gave me a frightening feeling.. i'm afraid of not being able to cope.. i will be tired from the extra effort to be putting in for work since i can't do OT that often (i wish there is NO overtime). i need to be disciple and put in effort for my studies too.. i'm afriad i cant cope and there will be 2 outcome: i will try to put in more effort, if not, i will give up totally as i can't take the pressure and the stress. i will let go before i break down. what a loser am i right.. before it start i'm like backing out. before any serious issue or problems pop out i'm so afraid of this and that and instead of thinking of positive solution, i'm backing off, hide or run away from it.

this love issue of mine can't seem to be lifted off my mind.. why.. why am i be that emotional? why can't i live without love? why can't i live without a relationship.. why am i always be stuck in a solution which is directly/indirectly caused by me? why am i so afraid? why is it that you know that suit you the most, that gave you the best and happiest time, that just work out perfectly but.. but you left that? although there are many many times that i really feel like turning back, but i know i had made my choice (that hurts many including myself), whenever i thought of this, i told myself to live with what i have now.. i guess i have to stop this conflicting feelings and thoughts soon.. this will not bring me anyway and will only make me remain in the same spot.. maybe i should just give chance to the other him and carry on with my life and not thinking so much.

do i really worry too much? think too much? always worry and think about future issues and problems and ended up giving myself more problems before that problems even surface..

today is a moody day. the day started alright with me having Uncle Toby's muesli bar as breakfast in office.. then a lot of work popped out but got to take all even though i didn't absorb whatever was told to me. felt hungry at 10 plus then just a sudden thought, i wasn't hungry anymore for the whole day. i skipped lunch as somehow i didn't have appetite suddenly, so i did some work during then. the instrument i was in charge of has some issue and is the one and only instrument in office, no backup. so got to make it work and stuff. didn't work out still. left the calibration cycle to run when i left office on time today.

alan and denis jio-ed me for teabreak as they both know i didn't have lunch. i still didn't have appetite but went to cafeteria to meet them. have a bowl of green bean soup and a curry puff.. felt tired.. probably the extra workload added on to the tiredness from yesterday USS walk and fun...

my mind can't seem to be stopping.. i thought with yesterday post and thing will be done and slowly faded away.. but somehow now it kept my mind thinking and thinking.. "LEE YEN WEI, can you stop thinking!! nothing can be change already. WAKE UP and GO ON..!!!" so feel like slapping myself.. with this going on, i will have illness and depression soon. i have this problem of wanting to vomit if i thought about important stuff and if i will regret or very anxious abt it. i did have those wanting to vomit feeling when i waited for my O level result. i did have the wanting to vomit feeling when i thought abt the failing reason for my past past relationship. i will move on and i have to.. is the 27th already. i gave myself the deadline of 31-DEC-2011 to sort out everything and not drag anything. close whatever chapters that have to be closed as it cant link to anywhere else already. 4 days for all decisions, all thoughts, most of them to be settle, closed and that will be it. the end of everything and end of year 2011.. really 捨不得 but is for the better for all of us. i will be leaving and be living in my own world..

time to go on diet.. emo-ness make me slim down =x

a thought of my past relationship (the one n only post to end my year)

i will write this post maybe for just this last time. cause it has been bothering me and is inside me for the past 4 months but i dare not voice it out anywhere. maybe this should be the time whereby i just type and say everything out once and for all and maybe from then on, it will really remain as a past.

this is maybe the first formal post regarding the breakup with my ex-boyfriend, Mr Sean Chong Yongsheng. Maybe just let me write in more details for everything as this will most likely be the last time. alright.. it has been 4 months since the breakup which was initiated by me, yes it's me. i guess at the point of breakup was for the thought that it will be better for both as i wish to be fair to him. yes, we did got a BTO (Tampines GreenLeaf Block 522A Tampines Central 7 #16-05 Singapore 521522), a very prime and nice location. but even since the BTO was confirmed, my heart and mind were just in unease. maybe i can't handle the stress and uncertainties in my life, i just don't know what I want in my life. let me be frank. from Day 1 to the last day of our relationship (28-Jan-2009 to 25-Aug-2011), I'm true with all my feelings.. i love you much more than i expected. you made an impact in my life much more than we both thought. yes, you are the guy that company me through the thick and thin of life. you accompany me through my sad and hardest day in life, studies and always ensure me and provide me with suggestions and excepting every single little things about me. you are the man in my life that i always want to impress you, to surprise you with little gifts and "scrams" and every little things to make your life good and even better. i love those days we spent together, not only in Australia, but also in Singapore, Krabi, Taiwan and stuff. i like the feeling of being under your care. i feel so safe in your arms and you will protect me even if the sky falls. i just feel that with you around, there is nothing to be afraid or worried about. i know how important i was to you and how important you were to me, but i let you down. i let both our families and friends down. i might be letting myself down when i look at this in the future.

to say of letting go totally or moving on with my life, i will say "i have not yet succeeded".. whenever i see/hear those familiar places, common friends of ours, topics of our past, everything seems so sensitive and emotional. sometime i do can hold my emotions well and speaks (thinking that i've put it down) but sometime, it seems to be over my limit to be talking about all these peacefully. somehow, you still make me cry. yes, i know people will ask "why cry over spilt milk", especially you are the one who insist of flipping that plate of milk. i know, but somehow, it still makes an impact in my life. although everything about us has ended, it's over between us, but somehow I'm still so afraid of losing you, losing you totally (although more or less i've lost you totally). i do think of what happened if we were still together. sometime i do have the urge of getting back together with you but i know i shouldn't be as it is absolutely unfair to you. i hurt the man who love me the most and i love the most.

sometime when thinking back, i don't know what was in my mind that day when asking for a breakup. i wanted to have a cool down, i wanted to break away temporary as there is too much pressure and stress that i could handle. when at that point of time, i'm breaking, mentally. instead of facing the problems, i hide and run from them. perhaps i'm still not mature enough to handle all these, that is why i don't deserve such a good relationship and a good man. yes, i do regret as times, i do have the urge of getting back but i know, we can never be like the past anymore. our relationship has a deep deep scar. a scar that is caused by me and that i'm still recovering from. wherever i go, there is somehow pictures of us in the past. i spent a Christmas without you this year. it felt so different, is emotional too. but i know i got to get over with this totally and move on. i asked for it, even if there might be slight regret or doubts, i will move on with it. i don't deserve all these good stuff and i'm sorry and i really mean it. i'm really really really sorry about all these. somehow i wish i was mature enough to handle all these at that point of time. somehow i wish i could tell you all these before things got worse. somehow i do wish i wasn't that affect by my thoughts and emotions that i think i should be fair to you, so i left you.

as the year is coming to an year and i think i got to start my life afresh with the addition of studies to my life, i think i have to close this chapter in my life totally (although i really feel 捨不得. they are my happy times, beautiful memories that i wish to keep forever with me and not wanting to remove any part of it. but i realise by doing that, i couldn't let go totally, i couldn't move on totally. at this stage now, there is no more turning back, i will step forward and walk the path. it will be tough, it will feel extremely different and probably very difficult, but i got to do it and walk out of the past and probably removed you from my heart and mind..

sorry that i still can't meet any of our common group of friends. somehow i still cant, i'm not mentally prepare to handle all these, is very tough and i dont wish to breakdown in front of you or others.. any talk about BTO, marriage, everything will just make me emotional. wait till i have move on totally, when i'm not affected by it anymore, maybe that's when i can handle all those. yes, i don't communicate or ask people out for gathering. i will just stay home or work.. yes, i did lose something in my life. i cant find the motivation or target when work end. in the past, when work ends, i do look forward to meet you or in the weekends for us to meet even though we do nothing but just have each other by the side. somehow, you were the motivation and something that i look forward to each day. at least when i wake up every morning, i don't feel aimless.. but now, work and probably studies (in the future), will be my aim..

i know you always ask me about how's my private life, esp. with that guy. i could only answer you "we are still alright".. i guess no matter what i do, i am still unfair to both.. i cant be together with you and taking him totally out of me (maybe only possible after months), i cant be together with him and not think about you. i do talk to him about you. i guess by speaking out frankly to him that i still haven't let go totally and i think i still haven't move on totally. i didn't restrict myself for telling him how great you were, how well we were in the past.. but after everything, the sentence will be "that's the past already, things can't be the same anymore"...

you meant a lot to me but i let go of my hands. you made me cry, you made me happy, you make me feel so fortunate but i guess you never felt the same way of that to me anymore. sorry that i hurt you. sorry that i left you without a good reason (a insisted reason of wanting to find out what i want in my life).. although i always say and i will still say "我不知道你是不是我想要的，但你一定不是我不想要的"..

we already reach this stage with no turning back, so we got to move on (like what you always say). i will wish you all the best in everything you do or you want. you deserve someone much much better, esp. someone who will appreciate you, who will communicate and care for you.. we know the person can never be me anymore. we got to move on and probably if you will find one, i will be sad definitely. cause you were the man that i have spent so much time and effort on (you also put in a lot of effort on our r/s), i will be sad but i will be glad for you too at least, you find someone to secure your future with, who deserve you much more than me..

i will move on, totally. with the new year 2012, i will start to forget all the little single details about you. i will still keep part of it as memories and i don't wish to remove all.. my plan for the coming years and for the future is about work, studies and maybe future relationship. although i might still face the same issue with finding what i want in life and maybe still the same problem with my future relationships, i hope some days, i will find what i want in my life or maybe i will be single in the years to come. it hurts but i got to live with it for now as i choose this path.

this has been the longest post after so so long.. i love you and i miss you (this will be the last time i will say this as i will be moving on).. really thank you for every single little things, efforts and thoughts you have for me. i'm sorry for every single little things that i did to make you angry, disappoint and hurt you. This will be a "bye" post then a "see you again" post and i got to bury you deep deep down and maybe will dig you out in the future when i've move on or when i realise i can't live without you totally. life with you were much better but now i'm searching for a even better life that is without you as we cant never be like the past anymore..

i will welcome 2012 happily and will not bring out this topic anymore until i'm able to be smiling and chatting about this..



as for that "him" for now, you got to accept me for what i'm now. i'm still letting go of the past and moving on. if this issue bothers you, it can't be help as i'm not the type whereby i can say forget and just forget. i'm not the type that will just turn around and fall in love with another person and forget about the love that i once gone through so much hardship with. it took me probably one full year to forget the past past relationship so i can't be that fast to forget this relationship that impact me the whole of my life with so many tough times and hardship that were been through. it makes a scar in my life and memories that will stay forever.

i'm penning down all these thoughts and feeling inside me as i think i can't handle them anymore by trying to hide them or restrict myself from thinking or regrets but now, aft all these writing, it feels much better. i guess maybe this will be able to help me in letting go more as i don't feel that there is something that i didnt say out and stuff.. i'm moving, it might be slow, but i will still move and search for my goals.. all i could say to you now is a BIG BIG THANK YOU.. you made my life so great and make me learn and understand so many things for the past 2yrs7months. it is a loss of mine to lose you but i will want to bring to whoever will be my boyfriend/husband in the future, a Yenwei who is confident, and know what she wants for her life and make the bf/husband life better and not leave him anymore... who will love you whole-heartedly and commit her whole life to you..

although i still wish maybe some days, months or years down the road, we could still be together but i guess i won't let this thought be in me anymore if not i couldn't let go totally. i'm saying "bye" to the man that once love me so so much and a man that i fell so so in love with. goodbye to you.. it hurts but i hope for the better for you.. take care miiiee miiee, goodbye miiee miiee..

匿名的好友 - 杨丞琳

it hurts when u realise people just deleted them away and is only after some time then you notice that..

怎麼還是會心痛，怎麼還是哭了...

不要再讓過去牽絆著你了

a problem about me. i'm very stubborn and will insist with the stuff i'm insisting even though i know it might be wrong. i know i might have made the wrong choice and but i don't allow myself to regret or to think about it anymore as it doesn't make any difference. instead of thinking of "what if", i guess i should make myself happier. what happened have happened. make do with what i have now and be happy.. i shall be happy from today onwards and stop being negative. no regrets no what-if. i can be happy if i want. i will be contented with whatever i have. be happy k.. jiayou.. don't let yourself down.

i hate this christmas. i hate this festive season. i hate myself. i think i have already lost myself. i cant talk or speak out. i'm trapped within myself. i'm so negative. every morning i wake up i just felt so negative but i didnt show it out so it is even worse. i cant release my true emotions. why do i just feel like crying for this happy season..

i just feel like taking a long long break and just getaway and don't return to this seem familiar but feel unfamiliar place.. maybe i'm just waiting for my limit. waiting for that break-point. let's see if i could not breakdown and re-adjust my limit or to make myself positive again..

why do i feel so negative? is it really 1 negative thought will lead to many many more.. i feel so negative but i have to be positive in front of others.. this kind of contradicting emotions are making me feel worse. morning and night, only those i cant seem to tell or say emotions and thinking are shown in the room.. day time, work i got to be positive as is unprofessional to bring personal emotions to work and i know these few month is crucial for my future. even if i know and feel that i cant handle the amount of workload, i just bite my teeth and just get it down even if i feel very tired and will break soon..

i guess the problem lies on me.. i can't get anyone to understand me since i can't understand myself too.. Esp. of the situation now in term of work/training scheme, studies and life.. maybe i should really just leave and live in my own world.

i'm under a contract with bond.. it isn't a small amount to handle or is just a short period.. is in term of 2 years of training and 1 to 1.5 years of bond.. is 3.5 years. this is my first "job" too.. it can be a stepping stone or it just be a stone that tripped for in the future.. i am going to study, i need a stable income.. i need a job too..


the feeling just suck when others sarcastically say that you love your job when that wasn't the true reason why i always need to OT or to bring home work.. this is life, working life.. i cant tell my boss i want to go home on time or to not do any work after office hours or during weekends, i can't.. if given a choice, who want to work more than the expected.. we work different industries, bosses are different and stuff and the main thing is i'm tied up with that stupid training/bond contract.. which is lots of money involved.. at this point of time, is i break the contract i need to pay at least $50,000. how do i let other understand sometime i got to do things but not what i want but i cant help but to just do it.

i blocked my calendar for that day but i still don't know if i'm going.. it feels as though i can't fit myself into the group chat although all have left that chat group. i really don't know what to do..

i... sigh~~

i already don't know..

why is it when people feel so happy with the festive season coming while i feel so emotional unstable with this festive season.. it felt as though this wasn't any happy festival..

all i want now is to cry out loud and hard.. all i want know is to think, know, do say whatever.. all i want now is to solve, settle and move on for a better future.. all i need now is a super long, tight and comfy hug but that can't be possible.. all i need to do for now on is to work, study and live happily.. but why, i could feel the shouldn't be feeling. but why i feel so insecure. but why i feel so uncertain. and i have yet to find the goal of my life even as 2011 is coming to an end.. why is it that i feel that my life is wasted. why is it that i feel i shouldn't be living in this world.. and why i just think that i'm a nuisance and burden.. why i think i'm of no value-add.. why i feel all these and of nothing good.. and why i look so optimistic in front of many many but when night comes and i'm alone in my room, i feel so pessimistic. and i still don't know which is the real me.. i have been in split personality for many years till i got mixed up which is which.. when i laugh and smile, most of the time is from the bottom of my heart, but sometime, it was to make others life better..

i told myself that i cant be a negative emotion influence, i must be of a positive influence. happiness, laughter, craziness should be those that come from me, although i think i brought a lot to other, but it must be consistent.. which this carrying on of happy during day time, at work, aft work, going out but emotion during night, i guess i will see a new friend call Depression..

心裡有了更多莫名其妙的感觸⋯⋯

felt the awkwardness and uneasiness. I already don't know which is the real me.. If I don't speak, others will feel that I wasn't being me, but who know which is the real me..


today a poly friend told me: Actually in a relationship, as long as the couple have the same mindset and thinking that the relationship could work out and work towards it, it is possible. as long as the thinking and goals are aligned, they are all workable and reachable".. 在聽到這些話時，心裡有莫名其妙的感觸⋯⋯ the friend also add on with this "you must learn to accept the stuff about him/her rather than to tolerate, if not, the relationship can't work".. then added on with "is a give and take, one will change and stuff, but must be working toward the same goal".. 心裡有了更多莫名其妙的感觸⋯⋯

i still felt at most times that i'm not suitable to be in a relationship. or should i be changing my this thinking?


i think i have lost some friends but i guess i also lost myself...


there are many things that i feel like knowing, doing and wanting.. but i know i cannot ask, say, know or do..

i always have this problem.. even since that incident.
somehow it caused some changes in me which are good and bad.. but somehow the bad change seems to be clinging on me and have never left. is it really a once bitten twice shy issue.

why when the year come to an end but i'm feeling so emo..

i made the choices so i don't regret. but why am i always doubting other's choices and always telling others that they can always made other choices. they will be given multiple choices and chances. but in the end, i'm actually doubting myself i guess..

what's in my mind...

今天的我，有點心事從從⋯⋯
不想多說，因為还沒想到該怎麼办好。
原來事情並沒有想像中的那樣。
失算了⋯⋯

a sad truth, but is feel so real.. i'm feeling so out-of-place in most of the group chats.. even those group outings, i just can't seem to feel i'm part of it anymore.. that's why i didn't reply in some group chats after sometime because i felt something is missing.. i choose to leave..

Deuter backpack

i got a new backpack =)
a red Deuter 22L AC Lite backpack =) actual price is $159, but after discount is $119 ^_^ i like the colour, i think it really looks nice.. isn't those very huge kind of backpack, this one i can use it on daily basis too..

ohhh.. the colour of this backpack is called fire-cranberry =) haha.. cranberry ^_^

i am going to be a student soon =) heez.. still kind of looking forward as this is the first time i'm enroll into local university =p haha.. went to NIE student hub for verification of documents. hope that i never lost touch to studies yet, hope that i could cope.. i guess ppl always ask, who you go study with, and my answer will be "i'm going alone".. i guess i'm a loner kind.. i do things at my own pace.. but it will also be bad coz without friends who study with you, you will lack the motivation. and also dont know who to ask if you have study issues.. see how things go ba..

whether or not is i'm sensitive, but you just kind of pissed me off.. i hate people who are so 現實.. why is it that human grow up to be scheming and make use of people. when is not longer of value, the attitude toward the person will change 180 degree, an extreme.

GSK Family Day

it is GSK family day event today at Tanjong beach. not too bad.. i was entertained as some colleagues bought volleyball and to set up the net and court to play =) is nice.. then there is sketching done.. i also won the 62 prize for lucky draw (for your info, almost everyone got prize since it start from the 200th prize). i got $150 robinson voucher.. =) so now i have a total of $300 robinson voucher.. time to do shopping.. for x'mas, for CNY.. time to start looking for Chinese New Year clothes before get nag.

in the goodies bag there is jacket, beach map, umbrella, towel and etc.. i yet to take a look at what is inside there.. then there is Gong Cha (i drink 4 milk teas), then got Old Chang Kee (i didnt eat any).. haha.. i was too busy playing vball and was so tired till i dont feel hungry and have no appetite, esp when i see the pack food =x haha.. bubble tea is enough to keep my day going.. haha.. i'm much much darker now.. CNY confirm will be ask by relatives again that i'm still playing sports, still playing netball?

hmmm.. have fun today ^_^ although it ran at abt 2.30pm.. but it all end well...