met him on sat for a treat from him as a return for the gift of watch i gave him. dinner at paragon, ramen. then went for a short coffee at the Coffee Club then decide to catch a movie. watched Journey 2 at Shaw. after movie was only 9 plus. sat for quite some time at Mac before we head to HomeTeam NS at Bukit Gombak for a bowling game so that i could fetch my brother at abt 12 plus from CCK aft his mj session. talked normally but with the feeling of so near yet so far feeling.. talked to him but felt the change in him that i think we drifted apart, somehow i don't know abt him that well anymore.. my mother still treat him well, which i also didnt know of it.. as for me, i disappoint everyone..

it was the 28-Jan-2012 that we met.. and that date suppose to be our "3rd year anniversary".. but getting a big knock onto my head, that suppose to be special date and day isn't existing anymore..

after each meet up, things are getting clearer and clearer.. guess it is more or less the time to come out that decision and action already. 不應該再執著⋯⋯ 或是抱著希望。希望和期待是帶來失望和絕望。最後，人就會自我封閉，不再有情感，也不對世間留戀。人啊，為甚麼七情六慾是那麼難以捉摸。

很想说

back home from a 5 days of CNY at grandparent's place (Malaysia). set off at abt 2+pm on sat 21st Jan.. the traffic was super heavy, there were too many cars on the highway. reach home at abt 7pm.. usually the ride will take abt 3hr plus to go back..

somehow this is the worse chinese new year i have been through.. although there are alot more addition to the big big family and some relatives were back too. inside me, i just feeling nothing.. no new year mood, no reunion feeling, to be exact, i'm quite feeling-less these few days.. there are still relatives asking me how come i didnt bring my boyfriend back.. i could only answer "no la, never bring back".. this is so torturing.. i could only smile back.. i'm feeling quite tiring.. i want to feel emotionless.. somehow i think i'm good with hiding all my emotions from others.. but somehow, i feel it is getting tougher already. i am more and more speechless each day.. i am like controlling all my emotions in front of everyone.. i could only release them out at night, in my room.. somehow i wish i could just get depression and i could just live in my own world. all these emotions are killing me, i'm just feel like dying.. every morning i wake up, i just feel so restless and helpless.. i don't know what i'm to look forward.. i'm telling myself everyday, just carry on living, maybe one day, hopefully one day, the thing you wish for and you wanted will come true.. just live..

my day: suddenly fell sick at work with running nose and felt of sore throat. ended work, the running nose was still so stubborn. went lesson, didn't feel better. after lesson went to see doctor at 9pm. then dinner at 9.30pm. fetch sister but went the wrong only, finally got home just before 11pm, realise wallet missing!! called and rushed down to get my wallet and reach home 12.10am.. i'm really sick.

what a day when u are already felt so miserable with the sore throat (doctor see and straight away say "喉嚨在發大炎".. then she gave me fever, flu, sore throat and cough.. MC for tmr.. my nose is so red now and i use tissue till i think the nose already 脫皮.. abrasion..

this is the first time i really lost my wallet and i only realise it aft an hour.. feeling sick and then realise wallet missing at 11pm. when i tot i could rest already. what a way to keep my awake.. and with this suddenly fall-in in office when in the morning i was alright only 9+ am.. this thing just hit on me.. damn..

passed him the gift -Solvil et Titus watch. like it quite alot

have a uni gathering with the Raven CC gang.. is an AGM at Praleum Wine Bistro at 4 Duxton Hill. dinner was alright. drank 1 Stella Artois and 2.5 pine of Hoegaarden. think i'm just trying to get myself drank to feel less..

a deadline that i'm setting for myself and this will be a final deadline for everything.. 28-Jan-2012.. a date which suppose to be special and meaningful in another sense, but this time, it will be meaningful too. After 28-Jan-2012 23:59:59, i will start dreaming, wishing and whatsoever.. i will be awaken from every single things.. after that date and time, is a rational and wake-up time, to live my life without a man.. to live my life alone but for what purpose, i still don't know.. life now seem so meaningless and of no purpose. i wished to start afresh on that special date which once means that much to us for us. but after tonight, i'm slapped awake. this can never be possible. i cant even talk to you, i cant ever dare to establish eye contact with you. i feel like you are so near but there are just walls between us..

cutting off everything from every single one.. starting from 28-Jan-2012 23:59:59.. whoever wants to come into my isolated world, you got to crack that layers of walls to get in cause this time, i will not make any more effort to do anymore things extra for anyone.. and this time, without any turning back or mercy.. i must be tough to myself. this time, i will throw abt all the past, all the poly days, all the uni days, all the aussie days, all the sg days and also include all those GSK days.. every single one of it.

or probably starting from tmr, all contacts are all cut.. all contact point unless deem necessary by me. since 28th is so near already, less than 2 weeks, probably is the time to get use to all.. ignore all and reject all.. u can never be happy with me anymore so leaving you is a better and fairer option.. is tough and heart-aching but i think is a wiser choice that i could make for u.

重來 - 期待原來是一種傷害

有多少愛能重來　多少人願意等待　失去之後才明白
走進回憶的安排　一幕一幕的對白　上演我們的未來
期待原來是一種傷害　深愛的人一離開　是我不敢忽略你給我的愛

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手 請你看看我　請看需要你的我　一切從頭

有多少愛能重來　多少人願意等待　失去之後才明白
走進回憶的安排　一幕一幕的對白　上演我們的未來
期待原來是一種傷害　深愛的人一離開　是我不敢忽略你給我的愛

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手 請你看看我　真的需要你的我　只要你回頭

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手 請你看看我　真的需要你的我　只要你回頭

学不会

我相信愛能證明一切 夠真心會超越時間 多付出也多了喜悅 讓幸福蔓延
總是學不會再聰明一點 記得自我保護必需時候講些 善意謊言
總是學不會真愛也有現實面 不是誰情願就能夠解決
一次爭吵一個心依賴結累積著改變呀 內心疏遠足夠秒殺外表多濃烈
才發現愛不代表一切 再真心也會被阻絕

總是學不會再聰明一點 記得自我保護必要時候講些 善意謊言
不是學不會只是覺得愛〜〜〜太美 值得去沉醉 流淚



總是學不會....

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了 我痛得快死了

today is a black Friday (Friday the 13th).. well, i always like the number 13 since i'm born on the 13th. others feel is an unlucky number but i don't feel so. but just today, 13th January 2012 (Friday) since midnight, it seems like a mixture. is it a lucky day or an unlucky day.. the best way ever to start my day and waking up finding myself lost. i had a nightmare yesterday. i dreamt about myself getting into an accident. this isn't the first time i dreamt abt myself driving and involve in accident. i always dreamt that i'm driving and suddenly my eyes can't see anything in front. everything becomes black.. i can't go anywhere, i'm afraid if i continue to drive, i will knock into some things (cars or person or any infrastructures). i could only just stop, but also thinking that i will be knocked by some other cars..

i don't know will today be the worst day of my life for 2012, but this year, it didn't start off well at all.. after thoughts and discussion, things don't improve, it will be the same things again.. it doesn't feel good today at all. i could only fake my smile to others today as i always tell myself don't show my personal emotions in office.

in office now, just feeling lost. don't feel tired, don't feel hungry.. a good way to lose all those i gain in Dec, esp. from those Christmas and New Year gatherings with good food and buffets.. i have been skipping dinners recently.. probably by the time i want to eat is already past 9pm. i decided to not eat. well, hopefully just hope that i really did slim down rather than eat too much and have gastric from the binge eating and then not eating again.

i have an issue. which is torturing myself when i'm not feeling alright. i don't know this is to make myself feel better or to make myself understand the pain more.. sigh~~


能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我不能夠
不能夠 不愛了
吃不能吃 睡不能睡

愛太痛

吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭
人不像人 鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這 不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~


吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠
不能夠 不愛了

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我不能夠
不能夠 不愛了
吃不能吃 睡不能睡

please blog something abt my life this week.
School officially started on Tues. 2 modules, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
this week lessons ended early as is just an introduction for the week. but soon, i wil be loaded with assignments and stuff.

wed went for dental appt. this time, the dentist suggested to me to try to cut my gum higher as my smile are so gummy. so she say tried it first see if i like anot, before my teeth are done, she will do it again for me at no extra charges. got a very long needle for the injection (she inject at 4 locations) which is so so painful that i cant hold my tears. then she use this device which will give a burning smell. and really, my teeth look much bigger now. but the 4 spot injections just made me kind of scared to cut the gum after my whole process of braces is done.. damn.. why am i that weak.

抱歉, 原諒我沒有說

李聖傑 - 抱歉



李聖傑 - 原諒我沒有說

looking back on those photo and saw the video of the surprise birthday celebration.. tears just rolled down.. i really missed those days.. somehow i know i couldn't find that back anymore..

it took me a couple of months to realise and think through that that is the man i want to live with.. those happy, crazy, random and rubbish things that we are doing or talking, i just want to live that.. i missed that point of our life that crossed. i missed the blissful life that i have.. i cant bring anything back anymore. maybe my friend is right. even if you accept me, the scars are still there.. is too deep that we both will not be happy as we are living in the scars..

i really want to take you out for my life but i don't know how to.. i dont even know should i even drop by to watch you play bball matches.. i dont even know should i even go for those gatherings.. i feel like going but i'm afriad.. like a friend who know from aussie tell me, be a grown-up in it.. not that i didnt want. but you just mean that much to me.. i thought you were still here, i thought i still have you. but little did i notice that our distance are getting further apart.

i do miss you.. i still love you.. but i know i can't and i shouldn't be anymore.. it hurts. it still hurts even after so long.. i made your heart harden but i do wish i could make you come back but i know i shouldnt be. you want to rest, you need time for your own and the main thing is this is too huge a setback that we both couldn't get over with it. it is like a scar to us, that haunted us.. i understand that even if i want to patch back, is too late. things have change, feelings faded, situation is different from the past. i guess we could only move on as we wont be happy together anymore as the scar is always there. i also disappoint your family which i also dont know how to face them.

i could only let go now. there is nothing i can do or say anymore. after all these, we both changed, we couldnt be like the past happy-go-lucky kind. we will not be tightly bonded anymore. sorry that i hurt you.. i hurt myself too.. is a well-deserved to me as it could only be a lesson learnt.

goodbye. i love you but this is a love that is late. a realised-love and a late think-through in the mind. i never see us back together anymore. those memories. that days and times.. will be kept in the dark corners which i am not going to dig them out. it is sweet then but it feel sweet and bitter now. i cant be crying to sleep everyday. i cant be dazing my day off at work or at school. i cant be driving and thinking and tearing.. although this time how i wish i could tell you that "i finally think through and i found out what i want already. is you that i want. i could never be happy as i'm with you. life without you seems so aimless. although what we did in the past was so routine and maybe plain but it feels so much comfortable. with you around, everything seems just so right. i want to live with you forever." but... ..... it was never meant to be spoken..

i'm sorry and i regret on my previous decision and admit that i'm wrong for running away. is a late apology.. i could never bring you happiness anymore already. i'm leaving.. how i wish i could be as silly as years ago.. but i know i got to be grown-up. i can't force things to happen. you will be happier without me, at least is from now on.. since i can't be the one that give you happiness anymore, i will let others be the right one for you. it just didn't meant to be. i wish i could be forceful and try means and ways to get you back but this time i respect your decision. your decision of not wanting to be any r/s for the time being and to have more time for yourself and not wanting to think, plan for the other party, not having to care about anyone else. i will not force anything on this as i got to handle this an adult way. 分了就算了，不要再強求...

《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》

分手，只需要一個人同意，但 ’在一起‘，可是需要兩個人同時的認可才能作數。－－《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》

time to wake up...

time to wake up totally and stop thinking that you will be back with him..

time to stop dreaming already.. you lost it you paid for it you deserved it.

he will be out of your life totally if not, you will never move on. dont you cry anymore. dont you ever think of or miss him anymore. you got to move on.. you wont see him anymore as path of life are not crossing anymore. you wont see him anymore as you decided to live in a world without any sign or news of him, you are not joining any gatherings anymore. you will not be seeing him at all.

you got to stay strong and live for yourself this time. don't try to please anyone (even though is contradicting)..

you will be fine alone in the world of your own. at least you will not be troubled by this issue anymore. at least you tried but is didnt mean to be. although is the worst way to start a new year with those bad experiences, emotions and feelings. and to feel it all over again. but this time, you should be heart-dead (死心) and get over it..

wake up if not sleep forever and dont wake..

this time, i'm getting you out of my life totally. i'm very very sad. but i know is non-comparable to yours, but mine is still as much though....

i guess the almost 5 months of break-up is too long to ask for any intention of trying-out or patching back.

why do i still cry.. i hate crying.. i just hate myself.. every single part about me..

i just hate myself.. i want to remove you from my life.. if not i can't really move on.. i'm just stuck in the 'relationship' of us.. living in the 'relationship' which didnt exist anymore. it hurts and finally i made the decision but it just too late.

you always say i'm selfish, i think so much for myself only and neglect my partner.. but do you think likewise for me.. i tried so hard to please everyone.. i try to be a good girlfriend. i tamed down with less emotions or losing tempers. i care and ask and never raise my voices.. i do all these were because that what a girlfriend should be.. shouldn't be a unreasonable or violent girlfriend, should be a girlfriend that you will be proud of and your friends and family will like.. silly me still thought of maybe 28-Jan-2012 we can get back together and start afresh on that date that means so much to us.. but i drop that thought forever. is my loss to lose a good guy and maybe i just dont have that life for all these. or maybe we are just not meant to be.. still thinking i finally know what i wanted that why i made the decision but it just too late or wrong timing.

just let me be like this now.. i don't know what to do anymore. my heart just felt like it was being crushed real hard and it is so painful till now i dont feel anything anymore..

went for a facial @ $38 NETT at MENTSU at Tampines 1.. is a member promotion rate.. nice.. only did facial once last time to try at less than $60.. since got a SMS to mention abt this so i decide to go for it as it nice CNY and i always got so many blackheads as i dont wash my face often or should say i wash rarely with facial wash. normally is just clear water only.

starting sch on Tuesday.. hopefully it will keep me occupy and make me think less of those not 'so important' issue. also dont know if is call important anot but it just bothers me for weeks and months le.. not that i have yet to come to a conclusion and decision but it is so tough going to execute it. there are always attempts to stop me to executing it and make it dragging it on. i know i just need to be 狠心.. wanting to please everyone or most people but i'm not very happy.

sigh~~ should i just stay single for life and not be involve in any relationship since i cant seem to be able to handle them properly. i guess i'm just not suit to be in a relationship. not a good lover, not a caring and understanding girlfriend. damn... how long can this go on.. i'm going crazy soon.. can someone just save me from this.. who can i talk to or rather, who do i even feel comfortable talking about all these..

tmr will be the orientation day for my master course. will have briefing given, speech from dean and professors i guess.. from 5pm to 8pm..

can someone just give me a solution, and a reasonable and un-debatable solution so i will just follow.

first entry for 2012

Happy New Year.. is 2012.. a new year a new start and it will be a great year i wish.. thanks everyone which brings me happiness, sadness, guilt, anger, laughters, joys etc. you all have make me how wonderful life can be with different emotions. i will bring more colours to my year in 2012 and hopefully, somethings great will happen for the year.