dRoWsy..

getting very drowsy.. been slping n slping the whole day.. guess is bcoz feeling sick n eat so much medicine make mi more tired.. then the medicine will make mi tired n drowsy.. but i slpt alot le.. hmm.. feel like slping soon le.. tired..

inflammation.cough.sorethroat.flu.fever

finally went to see doctor.. realli cant tahan anymore so drive to fetch my sister from work then send her home then i drive to bedok to see doctor.. drive to shuting hse there de clinic coz i got no idea which other clinic nearby is open till late night de.. rmb shuting tell mi her hse there de clinic open till 2 am so drive there n see doctor.. wanna went there oso to ask the doctor abt my hand n feet de allergy thingy.. ok.. when went in to see the doctor.. good that is the same doctor so i can ask him abt the allergy thingy.. so when i sit down.. i tell him i feel that i'm having sore throat with my sick n changed voice.. then he see my throat n take my temperature n use that dunno wat to listen to the heartbeat de.. then he ask mi i got flu n cough anot.. haha.. i nv sae he oso noe.. not bad ar.. but guess tis kind of illness is linked de.. ok.. anyway.. he sae i'm having inflammation.cough.sorethroat.flu n guess wat.. i got fever too but i nv realise.. so i got back alot of medicine.. got for running nose.got for fever pain and even muscle relax.. guess the doctor feel that i need to take that to make myself able to relax n able to slp.. i haf taken muscle relax de medicine before.. is that time we broke up in march.. then the doctor gave mi muscle relax de pill to make mi able to slp.. ok.. that is not the main point.. i still got cough syrup.. got antibiotics.. n last of all is Lozenges.. guess most ppl will noe wat is that for.. for the throat de.. but the best part is that.. the one they gave mi is blackcurrent flavour.. YEAH.. like it alot.. at least got more taste n realli make mi wanna sucked it instead of just swallow it coz last time i haf is always oranges de.. haha.. ok.. actually i tot my medicine plus consultation all tis at mid night will cost over $50 somemore so many medicine.. but then.. is less than $50 =x haha.. at least it wun make mi even more broke.. haha.. then i ask the doctor abt my hands coz i tell him i haf patches of white spots on my fingers n sometime will see yellow patches oso.. then he sae is allergy.. sae if i wan can go skin specialist but then i got no $$$.. haha.. but actually i feel the white patches which look scary like no blood travel there that kind.. realli is white.. haiz.. should i go n see more doctor? but then money is the problem too.. i still haben get a job.. where will haf money for all tis.. haiz.. coz of a incident in australia.. tis allergy follow mi for 1 month plus le.. still need to spend more $$$ on tis ma? or should i drag it longer n see whether will it be better although i dun seem to get better...haiz.. broke liao la.. but i nv regret buying that shoes la although i spent quite alot on that.. it realli look very nice n i like that pair of shoes.. that time my cousins see that n sae very nice.. ok.. at least that means i got good taste =) heez.. at least nv waste my effort n time.. i went to mani different place n call alot of place in queensland n searching so mani website before end up going to tis japanese website which haf the shoes size.. 1 sentence 1 information use translator to translate n fill in the form.. then use VPOST from SING-POST n send to japan de address then send to mi.. although all the "you de mei de" add up cost alot alot.. but i guess is a good pair of shoes.. is worth it ba so pls dun waste my effort n my "xin yi".. hope it can help u win every match n game u play n make u the best player on court.. hope u will keep it in good condition n it will be durable enough so u can wear it for long.. mayb u r the onli 1 that haf tis pair of shoes in Singapore although is quite an old design which was released in Jan.. but the colour is limited de worz.. n now tis shoes i counted as limited edition liao.. wanna get oso difficult =)

ok.. i need some cash manx.. jahan de sports council there like dun need people to work for the time being.. now is wait for mr ho friend there de liao.. if not haf to start finding other lobang liao.. haiz.. work to earn money to see doctor? haiz.. sound stupid.. haiz.. but who to claim all tis then.. haiz.. so ppl.. intro mi some job ba.. best is good pay =) but i can onli work till start of feb.. will stop before Chinese new year.. so intro intro.. guess my favourite friend for tis few month will be doctor liao.. ok.. hope tis allergy dun stay for too long k.. 1 month is realli very long liao.. how long u wanna circulate in my blood in my body.. haiz.. 1 month is realli very long le.. dun make mi anymore weaker.. skin peel so much le.. should be more than enough le.. money oso spend alot on tis liao.. more than enough.. so.. please "fang guo" mi ba.. 1 person go thru' all tis is enough le.. more than enough le.. the pain the inconvenience the money.. enough le ba.. like tis keep following mi for life.. how will it make mi move on.. i wanna get out of tis le.. so ALLERGY.. please STOP ! ! !

s|ck

i'm feeling sick.. kind of very sick ba.. not much appetite.. realli need to go see doctor le.. feel my throat going to bleed soon =x haax.. but is raining.. go out see doctor very mafan.. then flu everything.. see how ba.. starting yesterdae nite wanna drive my father car go out n see doctor de but see doctor at late night very expensive.. haiz.. so end up nv go.. sian.. now raining even more heavily.. seem like i dun need go out see doctor liao.. hope my father is back early then can drive his car go see doctor.. if not is drag till tml de..

pAsS my eXaM & u n hEr tOgEtHeR fOr 4 dAys Le..

YEAH ! ! ! i passed my exam ! ! !

CHEM 2041 - Concepts of Organic & Biological Chemistry : Grade 4 (Pass)
CHEM 2056 - Physical & Surface Chemistry : Grade 5 (Credit)
CHEM 3007 - Chemistry of Materials & Self Assembled System : Grade 5 (Credit)
CHEM 3009 - Analytical & Environmental Chemistry : Grade 5 (Credit)

ok.. i'm happie with my result coz since i took my 1st exam paper chem 2041 i got the feeling i will fail that.. but now.. i got grade 4.. which is a just pass.. but happie liao.. although i nv get any grade 6 (distinction) or grade 7 (high distinction).. but i'm happie with my result de.. although i feel i can did better la.. but is relationship problem that keep mi staying there n not moving forward.. but nvm.. is the past.. work hard in the future..

guess now is the great time to start all over start anew start afresh.. although i wun forget u.. but i will treat u as my friend.. from today onward.. i stepping onto a new path of my life.. i duno it will lead to where.. but i will become a better person someday.. wun let u ppl regret on supporting mi esp u. n thank you shuting.. thanks for everything.. i guess i realli think thru' le.. i'm letting go.. n move on.. although memories will come back n make mi wanna turn back.. but i will walk forward n create more memories.. 我会成为一个更好的人.. yes.. jiayou.. thanks for telling mi the truth that u n her together le.. she is the kind ger that u wanna be with n u love to be with.. i noe she is the right cup of tea for u coz u sae if u have a Girlfriend you will wan to love her alot alot de so i guess u love her de.. but i guess i realli learning to let u go le.. i believe in "wat is yours is yours".. if u r hers then is hers.. i wun force my way thru' anymore.. if we suit for each other.. someday in the future we will noe when we grow up n change n we might be back together.. if we are meant to be together we will be together.. if we dun suit.. is better to be friends =) but.... wat i going to do now is to work hard for my future.. continue to work hard n change to be a better person.. i believe someday down in the future.. i will find the person who will love mi the way i m but i will continue to change for the better for everyone.. i will become mature n even better temper n will be more open n da fang.. not bcoz of u.. bcoz tis will make mi a better person =) my temper already can control le.. i wun raise my temper nowdays.. mature.. i guess.. yesterdae nite incident make mi grow up abit.. but is not enough ba.. guess time will slowly make mi mature.. i believe i can get thru' tis de.. i will become a new yenwei.. a new alive yenwei instead of the zombie yenwei.. i will live again.. 我会活过来的.. wait ba.. a new n better yenwei will be out.. i will bring u a new "yenwei" in the future.. maybe not so soon.. mayb in a few months time.. maybe aft a few year.. but i will work hard.. 我会努力的.. 等我喔.. dun give up on mi my friends.. i will stand up de.. i will stand up de..



虽然会想起你，我也不会去尝试忘记你，我会把你当成朋友，不会忘记你。虽然，不知我们是否能成为朋友，希望你不会遗忘深爱你和你曾经深爱的我。希望我们能成为真正的朋友，是将心比心，有诚意的朋友。希望她能给你带来幸福和快乐，我还是会祝福你们的。你要幸福和快乐知道吗？你一定要开心，是打从心里的开心。虽然不能再在你身边，但我会希望你过得很好很幸福。


我会守护我觉得重要的事情，我觉得重要的人。我会希望往后的日子我不会再失去对我很重要的事或人。我会好好珍惜我现在拥有的一切，不要再尝试失去的痛苦。我不会再让我自己失去我觉得生命里很重要的东西。拥有了，我会在乎，珍惜，努力保护，用尽全力去守护，而不是失去了才后悔。谢谢你们，我的朋友... 我会努力的。你们会看见我的成长的。我会为了我人生重要的事物而努力的。



就算跌倒了，也要豪迈的笑 《 转角。遇到爱 》
我不会因为跌倒而哭泣。一直以来，我在球场上跌倒了受伤了，流很多血，我都没哭。
就算我哭，也要是因为欢笑而流泪。
跌倒了，我也要豪迈的大笑。

sTaRt afReSh..

i think i should go n see a doctor.. losing my voice.. guess i see doctor tml ba.. exam result is out soon.. which is tml.. haiz.. duno wat should i feel.. is happie that result is out but is afraid that i fail.. haiz.. duno la.. let see how it goes ba.. help mi pray ba.. haiz..

starting my life afresh anew now.. i make up my mind le.. i guess from tml onward it will be a brand new day.. if tml result everything pass.. then i will got take up mr ho. de lobang ba.. coz can work till jan end or before chinese new year.. if fail.. then most likely is find a part time job instead of temp job coz i got onli 1 month plus nia.. duno.. quite worried for my result.. haiz..

aimless n lifeless..

feeling very sick now.. should i go n see doctor.. see doctor wat should i sae.. sae i took 11 panadol pills.. i guess the 1st thing he will suggest is ask mi go to hospital n check on my health n my liver.. guess i shouldnt go see doctor ba.. but sore throat fever wanna vomit.. all tis shouldnt be caused by wat i did yesterdae nite ba.. i duno wat to do le.. i'm suppose to treasure my life.. but i guess i'm trying to destroy my life with every single things that i'm doing.. aimless lifeless..

i should start afresh start anew.. forget everything.. but i dun think anyone could forget everything.. i noe i wun forget but i noe i should realli move on le.. is realli tough n difficult.. i'm struggling in between to live or not to live.. i could feel the blood n taste the blood in my throat right now.. i dun wanna go out at all.. i dun feel like going to see anyone including doctor.. i'm just staying in my room the whole day.. i dunno wat to do or where to go.. i dunno wat to do..

nOt eNoUgH..

11 isn't enough.. i still wake up todae which i hope i wun...

i'm taking this step

i'm going to take tis step.. end of story.. sorrie ppl.. sorrie to my family sorrie to my friends that care.. sorrie everyone to make u ppl worried sad n disappointed.. i learnt to let go.. but not the let go that u guys wan.. but i'm letting go in another sense.. sorrie ppl.. hate mi for the rest of ur life ba.. hate mi for all tis.. hate mi for being selfish ba.. hate mi for loving n doing tis for a heartless guy ba.. sorrie ppl.. hate mi ba.. hate mi for being stupid stubborn silly selfish.. sorrie shuting..

LifE iS tOo m|sErabLe Le..

life seems so miserable.. life is so miserable.. it haf been miserable for 1month plus le.. but it seems to get more n more miserable each day.. i'm living more n more xin ku each day.. it nv seems to get better.. every night i cried more n more badly n cried longer n longer each night.. i'm talking less n less each day.. i cant talk n talk like i used to be.. crap n joke n talk n gossip.. i cant.. i dun feel like talking.. or should haf i duno wat to sae.. i noe i making my friends around mi very worried.. i'm sorrie.. but i have not reach the stage whereby i let go n i become the yenwei that u guys noe.. i'm sorrie.. i cant be back the happie n cheerful yenwei that u ppl sae i belong to.. i guess tis incident changed my life totally.. change mi too much n too extreme le.. i can onli sae for the time being u all wun see back the yenwei u ppl noe.. even i said i'm ok i'm fine but inside mi.. i'm not fine at all.. i tried not to cry in front of u ppl but sorrie.. i cant smile or laugh in front of u ppl too... i forget wat is the feeling of happie le.. i cant smile or laugh from my heart.. coz it is dead.. mayb just for the time being mayb forever.. or mayb even till i return back to australia.. i still have not recover.. i'm sorrie to make u ppl disappointed but i still cant let go n recover from tis.. i cant tell u ppl much coz is mi that haf to make myself move on but for the time being.. i'm still stuck here.. cant move on.. it is too hurting le.. i try not to cry in front of u ppl i trying to.. but i'm realli very xin ku..

true love is never smooth.. i noe.. but i truly love tis guy all the while even till now.. but to him.. i'm just a ger that wasted 1 yr of his life.. a ger that he dun love.. a ger that he find very irritating.. a ger that he regretted for wasting his time on.. a ger that he wun ever think or miss.. a ger that he wun ever love again.. coz he change.. he change to be a guy that weight everything.. compare everything.. a guy that onli think of having advantages to him.. a guy who dun love bcoz of just love n no other reason.. sae wat if i go out see him with another ger holding hands doesn't mean that she is his girlfriend coz they treat him good wat.. treat him go movie or go eat.. change to a guy who will love someone who is pretty n rich.. but he changed to be a guy that lie so much.. even when he tell mi he changed n dun believe in love bcoz of love.. i feel that he is lying.. he is not tis kind of guy i noe that.. i noe u r lying.. but if he wanna say until he is tis kind of person i oso got nth to sae.. but u r a heartless person when handle tis.. yes.. u r very heartless.. but if u think u doing tis will help mi to move on.. u r wrong.. u r hurting mi even more.. but u r not making mi move on.. if u think u hurt mi more can make mi hate u n stand up again then u r wrong again.. u always sae tis is the best solution tis is the best for mi.. haf u ask mi before wat i wan.. do u realli think tis is the best for mi.. no ba.. y u always sae is the best n think that is the best n dun ask otherss.. it is not the best.. from the start of everything.. it is not the best solution n is not the best for mi that is onli wat u think is best for mi.. but it is NOT ! is the best for u but not mi.. u get back the freedom u wan.. but u noe wat u did to my life.. u noe ma.. u nv care.. even u care but u dun care for mi.. to u.. i'm just some1 that u feel that u did the right thing n u dun feel sorrie or regret or feel that u did something wrong to mi. u dun feel that.. i'm just some1 that u wanna get out of ur life so that u can forget everything n carry on ur life like nothing happen.. everything seem so easy n sae till so easy.. forget abt everything n move on.. to u it seem so easy n is wat u wan.. but to mi.. u nv ask wat i wan.. u make all the decision that u feel is the best for the both of us but no.. is onli best to u ba.. as least now it seem so good n is the best solution for u.. i duno.. u ruin my life.. everyone sae there is nothing like "i cant live without you" yes i noe.. but i duno how to carry on my life now.. u step into my life change my life n just leave my life without warning n just disappear.. i'm just like a joke to u.. wat still can be friend.. the way u treat ur friends is wrong ba.. the way u tok to mi tis "friend" is so sarcastic so mean.. n everything i sae seem like a joke to u.. laugh n laugh.. u duno how to treat a person with sincere ba.. or maybe u did.. but bcoz of some incident the way u treat ppl is so fake.. wearing mask.. guess every1 wear mask ba.. onli stupid ppl like mi believe in treating ppl with sincere will be able to touch ppl.. will be able to see the real person in u.. but it seem like not.. u treat mi the way u feel that is suppose to treat ur girlfriend.. does it come frm the bottom of ur heart.. mayb it does.. but weighting all the advantage n disadvantage n all the happiness n unhappiness u haf.. make u a very practical person.. maybe is life.. but if tis is the way to weight a relationship.. then i guess it is just a transaction to u ba.. love cannot be measure llike tis de.. u might sae i'm not practical enough not realistic enough.. but love is love.. love is without reason n love will love de.. it wun bcoz of wat then dun love de.. if love is not strong enough then it is just like but not love ba.. i noe u will sae in wat stand can i sae u.. yes.. i'm a failure but i believe in love.. i believe love realli is love some1 wholeheartedly n even when he did something that make mi sad n disappointed.. i will sae it out n not keep it in heart.. if not.. forget about it.. coz love is not love the person good points n ask him to change his bad point for mi.. love is also to love his bad points.. if he change for u.. it will be great but not bcoz of requesting him to change n change n he nv change in the time that u set for him to change then give up on him.. he will change de.. as long as he love u n feel ur love for him.. he will change for u 1 day.. but there shouldnt be a time limit for that.. love some1 good point but also love his bad points.. i believe in tis.. but guess u dun ba.. tis 1 n a half yr.. u change mi alot ba.. or i did change for u.. but not to the standard that u wan within the time limit that u gave ba.. but how can i change back now.. is a good thing i change.. but the changes is too mani n make mi lost now coz i duno haf to work toward where le..

it is a 1 way road.. i cant U-turn to become the past mi.. u let go of my hand in tis 1-way road n left mi there.. but suddenly.. the 1 way which i can onli carry on walkin forward change to a T junction.. i duno which way to go.. i scare i choose the wrong way n i will get further away from u so i'm standing at the T-junction lost.. lost all my direction in my life.. but all my friends come to mi n pull mi to the right turn.. telling mi is the right way.. coz none of the turn will bring mi to u again.. it ended.. u sae that too.. but it is so suddenly.. it as if we r travelling in the car n suddenly u open the door n push mi out of the car n left mi alone in a place i haf no idea of.. i wanna chase the car but the driver wun let mi in anymore.. i can onli walk n walk aimlessly on the road.. my heart tell mi dun let go but my mind tell mi dun give up.. mayb the road wun lead mi to u.. but mayb 1 day.. we might meet again.. the onli thing i can do n walk n walk even though i duno it will lead mi to where.. i'm walking aimlessly now.. maybe down the road i will find aims n targets.. i noe i'm stubborn i'm silly i'm stupid.. but i guess i wun force myself not to love u coz i realli love u alot alot love u very deeply.. i noe there wun be chance that we will be together anymore in the future like wat u sae.. i'm not pretty not rich so u wun love mi coz u sae u dun believe in love bcoz of love.. so i guess i can onli just live my life loving some1 who wun love mi.. is stupid i noe.. but i guess love is so stupid ba.. i'm stupid i noe..

i jUst wAnNa LeAvE..

i wanna leave.. i wanna leave the world that has u inside.. u keep saying hurtful n mean things to mi.. wo zhi shi xi huan ni er yi.. wei shen me ni yao zhe yang dui wo.. tis wun work de.. u r just trying to kill mi with tis.. all the things u sae r just trying to kill mi.. kill mi more n more.. it is not doing any good.. not at all.. u think it will make mi hate u but i cant hate u.. u think tis is the best approach.. but no.. it is killing mi even more..

keep hiding my emotions n my thinkings.. tis wun work de.. i going crazy.. i realli will collapse.. n i will be collapse..very soon le..

just kill mi please.. i living 1 day as a day.. everyday is so miserable.. too miserable le.. i cant eat like normal.. nv can i.. even those food that i used to like.. i see them i feel like vomiting.. fried food used to be my love but now.. even chocolate i oso cant realli eat le.. i cant slp normally.. the onli way to make myself slp is to cry to make myself tired then i can slp.. if not.. even till 4 am 5 am.. i still cant slp.. or mayb i should try panadol de approach.. at least i no need to cry till so badly every night.. cry like nobody business.. sometime i realli hope i can cry to death.. isnt it better.. i'm not a human anymore.. i cant live like others.. even eating oso seem so difficult.. i guess i realli train my stomach for not eat since i have the record of not eating for 2-3 days in australia.. i dun feel hungry.. or when i feel hungry i see the food i feel like vomiting.. all of them is the food that i love but now.. they make mi feel like vomiting.. i cant feel anything.. i'm living in a world that i haf no interest at all.. i feeling nth else...

i just wanna leave...

eVeRywHeRe iS yOu.. i rEaLLi m|ss yOu..

just get home.. went to bedok market 85 with kiap laopa just now.. todae went tanning cum swimming with shuting at my hse here.. i more of tanning ba.. aft that went to city hall to meet CLS de ppl coz today got gathering.. quite alot of us today.. is quite a big group i can sae.. but too big grp oso not good.. nv realli interact much.. went to Suntec City 1st coz tat siong sae they need to go collect their standard chartered de bag.. on the way to Suntec from City hall.. all the memories come.. too mani le.. i walk everywhere i oso see memories of u n us.. everywhere.. i walk silently.. i try to endure on the way thru City Link.. then reach Suntec.. i walk i keep trying to see.. hope i can see u.. but i oso hope i wun see u coz i scare to see u with her.. i duno how.. i keep having the feeling i will see u.. throughout the whole journey.. i keep tryin to endure all the pain n memories that come back.. i realli wanna cry le.. when we reach marina square.. shuting show mi that u call her sae u see her n jasmine at Suntec.. she tell mi to prepare coz u r ard.. the next moment i cant endure anymore.. i rush to the toilet.. i cried.. i realli missed u.. i noe i do.. but i noe nothing will happen de.. i sit down somewhere before going back to meet the rest at Cavana.. but when i reach Cavana.. i cant endure anymore.. i bend down my head.. i cried again.. tis is the most i cried since i come back.. although i cried every night to slp.. but today i dunno y i cant control my emotions.. i sit down at Cavana n tears just roll down.. alot alot.. i nv cry out loud but i realli very xin ku.. u noe how xin ku m i anot.. u nv noe tis coz u already dun love mi le.. beside u there is a "her" so u wun feel wat i feel.. i duno y i love u so deep so deep so much so much.. i realli miss u.. i keep telling shuting wo hen xiang jian ni.. but i noe i cannot jian ni de.. but i realli miss u.. wo hao xiang zai bao zhe ni.. wo zhen de hen xiang ni.. every night i can onli cry n cry to make myself tired so i will slp.. but when i wake up.. i realli hope the reality will change.. i realli hope we r together.. i realli hope we are holding hand n shopping at Suntec.. trying clothes that u sae will look nice on mi.. i realli miss u.. u noe mahz.. u nv feel anything.. nth at all.. i haf to endure all tis all over again.. i realli hope i can give up again.. u noe how painful is it mahz..why do i love u so much.. why cant i just let go off tis relationship.. i keep endure endure keeping things in mi.. i going to collapse.. i hope i can just collapse 1 day.. i hope 1 day when i feel headache n giddy n wanna vomit that time.. i just faint aft the image become black.. n dun wake up again.. i realli very painful..

even i'm at bedok market 85.. i oso think of u.. u r everywhere.. everywhere.. wo zhen de hen xiang ni.. wei shen me ni bu yao wo..

disgusting n gone hands n feet?

my leg is so itchy... arghhh.. 我的脚很痒很痒... my hands is so dry.. they look so disgusting.. it seems like no effect.. cream from doctor is useless?? haiz.. my legs is even worse.. they look more disgusting from all the skin peeling.. haiz.. my hands n feet are gone? i realli duno.. arghh... is so itchy... stupid allergy.. aaa....................... i realli cannot tahan liao.. suffer for how long liao.. tis stupid allergy will last for how long.. arghhh... suffer alone..

SIAN AR ! ! !

yesterday nite the allergic feeling come again.. feel my hands n leg very itchy.. scratch n scratch.. although i noe i shouldnt scratch.. but then realli very xin ku.. the feeling is so xin ku lorz.. i apply the cream the doctor give like not much use.. hmm.. so scratch n scratch till i very tired then i slp le..

sleeping early almost everyday but then.. is cried le tired le.. then slp de.. since i come back.. 5 nites.. 4 nites is cried before that then cried cried then slpt le.. onli wake up in the middle of the time to clear my bed n prepare to slp properly.. onli the 1st nite i come is realli too tired then slp early de.. how long more i haf to go thru' all tis.. realli feel that staying in aussie then i dun need to go thru' tis cycle again.. haiz.. duno la..

anyway.. duno tis allergy will carry on for how long.. starting wanted to see doctor in australia de but then tot is just normal skin dryness.. but as days go pass.. my hands n feet the skin keep peeling off.. then thinking that seeing doctor in australia is very expensive so decide to drag till come back singapore de.. duno is it drag too long de.. the itchy feel i go thru' that in australia then now the itchy-ness come back again.. sian 1/2.. duno la.. see apply finish the cream see got get better anot.. if not.. skin doctor liao.. expensive lehz.. sian ar...

went to meet my previous colleague today for lunch.. then aft that walk home.. but then walk half way feel my head very pain wanna burst le.. feel like vomiting.. then i stop n sit down at the bus stop.. talk to shuting for quite awhile n feel better so i walk home while talking to shuting.. haiz.. hope things will getting soon.. then i was telling shuting the cream that the doctor gave mi like useless.. i apply then my hands n feet start to become wet n then the cream cant get contact with my hands.. guess is my problems... duno la.. just try to apply that even though it seems like useless.. just use finish that then still useless n no effect then take shuting de advice.. go see skin specialist de doctor.. then see how it goes... sick sick sick.. duno la.. ok.. got to go prepare liao.. later got umpirin at Kallang Netball Centre (KNC).. waiting for father to come back then drive his car to KNC then umpire till 10 pm then go Raffles City fetch my sister from work.. hmm.. ok.. tired le.. hope later i umpire that time i still fit enough to tahan the game n dun faint can liao.. ya.. bring sweets everywhere with mi whenever i go out just in case i feel like vomiting n wanna faint.. haha.. getting weak rite.. haha..

ALLERGY ! ! ! but to wat ??

i see doctor le.. haiz... bad new.. haiz.. the 1st thing i show the doctor my hands the 1st thingy he sae is "tis is not normally dryness on hand" then the next moment he sae "tis is allergy" then he ask mi m i allergy to anything.. hmm.. i tell him i just come back from australia then he sae "like that even worse.. cant find out wat is the cause for tis.." haiz.. then the next moment i show him my feet then he sae is allergy that caused all tis de.. that mean 3-4 wks ago i already got tis allergy le.. so tis drag for so long le.. haiz.. i already passed the stage where i feel itchy-ness.. i remember when i was studying for exam i keep scratching my hands n feet.. but then i haf to find out wat cause tis allergy.. the doctor sae "might be caused by some chemicals, food or drug or that household product" but then wat i cfm is not household product ba.. if so it should be onli my hand haf tis allergy that cause my skin to peel off.. but my feet is also like tis too.. it seriously till now my fingers tip is numbness.. can feel the finger stiff n thick.. no finger prints liao =( haiz.. then my fingers are all red.. my palm got red patches n alot alot of skin peeling.. haiz.. 1st time i got tis kind of thingy.. 1st time i noe i'm allergy to something.. that mean 3-4 weeks ago something happened that cause tis "reaction" in my body that caused my hands n feet to haf tis kind conditions... haiz.. duno la..

rot the whole day
stare the whole day
stone the whole day
emo the whole day..

haiz.. tears is out of control again today.. haiz..

anyway.. my family shuting all tis sae i lost weight.. look skinner.. i dun feel that but mayb is bcoz of u that cause to mi lost weight.. i should thank you for helping mi lost weight.. is bcoz i look 憔悴 that y u all sae i lost weight ba..

tml going to see doctor.. then afternoon then going back to SP with my housemate in aussie (xiaoying, michelle & bernard) for lunch.. duno got event aft tt anot.. todae rot n emo the whole day.. i guess i realli need to keep myself busy so that i wun think of u.. as long as i got nth to do.. or even if i got things to do.. u r always in my mind.. everything is u inside.. i guess i shouldn't be coming back SG de.. it become worse.. there is nth that can be done.. nothing will solve tis or will improve the situation now.. haiz.. dunno la.. should be slping early.. tml haf to go see doctor le.. go alone.. but guess is good to be alone at times n be independent ba.. but alone means will think of u.. haiz.. duno.. but dun think u will think of mi or will miss mi ba.. yup.. coz there is someone else u will miss ba.. ok.. stop thinking.. stop emo-ing.. haiz...

i'M bAcK iN SG

i'm back in Singapore.. arrived at 7.35 pm yesterday night.. mi n michelle took the same flight while xiaoying took SIA so she arrived at 8+ pm.. got alot of ppl come n meet mi yesterday.. is happie but then the 1 that i hope to see when i left singapore was not there n wun be there anymore.. my family, my cousins, shuting, senlin, janice n zhiming were there.. when arrive at the airport the feeling is weird or should sae all the while is weird. everytime i go to place that we were there before.. my heart will ache.. i hope i can dun think i will forget everything.. although i look fine to others but yesterday my father call my grandmother n i tok to her.. then she ask mi "free come back lorz.. big auntie sae bring back your boyfriend" u noe.. my heart is so pain.. i feel like crying.. i just tell my grandmother "huh.. dun haf le" then she ask mi "why.. u go overseas then he dun wan u le ar.. or he like some1 else" not onli my grandmother, my mother my auntie.. 1 by 1 ask mi.. i duno wat to sae.. i can onli sae "character dun suit".. but i noe if they carry on ask mi i will cry de.. but i dun wan. when my mother sae "together so long then character dun suit?" i duno wat to sae.. i just sae i duno la..

i realli wish i can see u but i noe i cant see u.. u hurt mi too much le.. i love u too much le.. i duno how to react.. when went to pass u the basketball shoes with shuting.. i realli hope u r not in.. i reali wish to look in to ur room again.. but u r in.. i can onli hide behind the wall where u wun see mi coz u sae it is better for u not to see mi n is the better solution.. i was telling shuting " 其实我很想见他 " i realli dun wish to admit tis but i still love u aft all tis.. why will i still miss u..
it realli hurt.. hurt alot alot.. y i haf to love u still.. i wish i can just forget u.. u already wun love mi le or should sae i'm nt the 1 that u love.. nth will get back to normal or to the past le.. i realli hope i nv fall so deep from u.. i tell shuting.. i still cant accept my world now.. i'm doing nth.. i got no target in my life.. i cant accept tis fact that everything changes.. but i nv tell her i still love u n i realli miss u alot alot.. i realli hope i can hate u but i just cant hate u.. hate u to core then mayb i will forget everything n noe how to not love u.. when mi n shuting was waiting for lift aft passing u the shoes.. i saw a black shadow at ur room de window.. i duno is it u.. but i dun dare to look.. i noe i cant.. 我很想见你，但我们不能见面的.. we so called "agree" to tis ba.. is over.. there wun be any ideal or best solution for tis case.. if wana sae.. the best ideal case is i can go back to the time where nth happen..

i'm tired le.. i guess crying realli make u tired n wana slp.. continue tml ba...

exam is finally over.. but i dun feel good.. i feeling weak.. my hand skin is peeling more n more n the area is getting bigger n bigger.. my emotions n mood is going up n down.. i noe tis continue is not good for my health.. i realli need a doctor soon.. when i get back SG.. i need to go do some check up.. my stomach feeling on n off pain again.. could it be gastric.. i duno.. dun feel like.. sometime feel like vomiting.. but duno wat is the reason.. aft i bath i feel like vomiting.. wat wrong.. although is not always like tis but it happens quite a no. of time le.. haiz.. wat wrong wat wrong.. haiz.. does emotions n mood affect everything.. including ur health ur body conditions.. haiz.. i duno.. i need sweet n sweets to help mi.. i cant depend on any1.. no 1.. onli depend on myself n i can help myself.. mayb a doctor will help alot.. n hope he/she will help alot..

.......................................

the tv is showing "The Longest Yard" now.. memories come back again.. but i noe i will be able to get thru' it de.. is a nice show.. being intro by some1 but i noe i will be able to forget everything abt that some1.. nth abt him will appear in my mind.. mayb onli good things like i learn something new or see some nice show.. but i noe i will get his out of my mind.. soon.. n maybe forever.. i wun force myself to go n forget everything.. coz the more i wanna forget something.. the harder i try to forget something.. then things will keep appearing in my mind.. again n again.. something i tot i can dun need to bring out again but now come back to my mind.. again n again.. haiz.. ok.. dun try so hard to forget.. just let go slowly.. soon i noe i will forget de..

范逸臣 - 放生

i guess i realli start to like MV le.. lyrics meaningful.. MV make mi emo.. sad but will keep remember wat is right or wrong route to take.. already went wrong le.. taking turn to go back to the right track.. 从此分手 不必再回头 各自生活 ... emo emo emo.. haha.. but i think MV is realli nice nice.. =) my 3 favourite songs now..





范逸臣 - 放生

地点是城市某个角落
时间在无言时刻
无聊的人常在这里出没 交换一种 寂寞

我静静坐在你的身后
你似乎只想沉默
我猜我们的爱情已到尽头
无话可说 比争吵更折磨 不如就分手

放我一个人生活 请你双手不要再紧握
一个人我至少干净利落
沦落就沦落 爱闯祸就闯祸
我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
又何苦还要继续迁就

我静静坐在你的身后
你似乎只想沉默
我猜我们的爱情已到尽头
无话可说 比争吵更折磨 不如就分手

放我一个人生活 请你双手不要再紧握
一个人我至少干净利落
沦落就沦落 爱闯祸就闯祸
我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
就彼此放生留下活口

爱的时候说过的承诺
爱过以后就不要强求
从此分手 不必再回头 各自生活

曾经孤单加上孤独是爱火
燃烧过你和我
如今沉默加上折磨更折磨
再没有什么舍不得

放我一个人生活 请你双手不要再紧握
一个人我至少干净利落
沦落就沦落 爱闯祸就闯祸
我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
就彼此放生留下 活口

蔡依林 - 一个人

~~~nice






蔡依林 - 一个人

从皮包里扯出我们的照片
沙发要移到客厅的另一边
晚饭后你可以多抽几口香烟
已经没什么人 会埋怨
晴天 阴天 今天又是 星期天
唯一的打算是 醒得 晚一些
反正我不知道怎样打发时间
出门或不出门 没差别

一个人
到底应该睡右边或左边
两个人
连一次争吵都值得纪念
一个人
偶尔感到寂寞再所难免
你的气味还留在枕头边

一个人
我重新适应一切不方便
两个人
不一定就成全一个世界
一个人
关灯看见记忆的横切面
没有光线
过去那些情节
更明显

温岚 - 傻瓜

~~ nice nice n emo emo~~~ 你们都一样





温岚 - 傻瓜

其實他做的壞事我們都懂 沒有什麼不同
眼光閃爍 曖昧流動 閉上眼當作聽說

其實別人的招數我們都懂 沒有什麼不同
故作軟弱 撒嬌害羞 只是有一點彆扭

傻瓜也許單純得多
愛得沒那麼做作 愛上了我不保留

傻瓜 我們都一樣 被愛情傷了又傷
相信這個他不一樣 卻又再一次受傷

傻瓜 我們都一樣 受了傷卻不投降
相信付出會有代價 代價只是一句 傻瓜

IDEAL CASE : I PASS MY EXAM ! ! !

haiz... haiz... went to meet my lecturer today.. i think my body is getting weaker n weaker each day.. walk from home to sch but today i walk quite fast but then i feel so tired n out of breathe.. then when i reach the office n wanna call up to my lecturer de office with the phone.. i feel so giddy n my head is spinning n is like going to burst.. i look for her name in the list but suddenly everything in front of mi is black n one.. at 1 point of time i reali feel like fainting n wanna vomit le.. then i faster took out 1 sweet while waiting for my lecturer to come down.. luckily i got the Warhead sour sweet in my bag.. this realli help mi in stopping the "wanna vomit" feeling.. haiz.. wat wrong with mi ar... my hand n leg de skin oso keep peeling of.. chinese is call wat 脱皮.. 10 fingers.. onli 1 finger is ok.. my leg oso.. peel n peel n peel.. moisturizer like got no use lehz.. haiz.. dunno la.. getting weaker n weaker.. cannot.. i must get stronger.. i wanna play netball.. but then now i open bottle oso got no strength.. carry 7 plate oso feel very weak n feel the plate very heavy.. no no.. cannot like tis manx.. must jiayou n train back... must be back the strong n violent yenwei =x n out to kill opponents on the court =) heez.. if i go back SG my "illness" of skin peeling n peeling continue must go see doctor le.. my palm my fingers my feet my toes.. haiyo.. wat wrong with this "yenwei" sia.. ok.. must get back the old "yenwei".. cheerful smiling crapping joking lame-ing.. ok that is wat i can think to decribe myself to others.. haha.. or maybe violent not gentle loud-speaker etc. haha..

ok.. back to my lecturer de topic.. ok.. duno is bad news or good news or mayb is no outcome.. haiz.. yesterday i check the academic calendar then i realise the enrollment date for summer semester is over le.. so i dun haf the choice of doing summer to earn the credit unit le.. so i'm just left with sup. paper de option. but then.. i need to at least get grade 3 in order to be able to do sup. paper but i oso scare i might not be able to do it. somemore i prefer do summer semester realli than sup. paper coz i dun need to study for exam again n if i take sup. paper most is grade 4 which is just pass n nth more le.. haiz.. so i might not be able to do sup. paper oso. so how.. no need continue to study le.. but then the IDEAL IDEAL case is i pass this module.. but then the prac is still not back.. haiz.. so duno how i do for prac n will that b able to put up my result..

my lecturer (Dr. Joanne Blanchfield) took out my exam paper to see see.. i onli score 7 marks for Craig William part which is the part that i duno i realli nv study or even i study my mind is blank for his part. i saw some1 else with 40++ points.. haiz.. imagine aft 1 lecturer mark le i onli got 7/120 marks =x haiz.. i need alot alot more marks frm Joanne Blanchfield & Mary Garson de part.. best is i can get a total of 50 marks for the 2 of their parts then there will be chance i pass but that might nt be the case.. coz i noe how much i do nia.. haiz.. the worse thingy is that Mary Garson is not around.. she is onli back on monday to mark the paper.. haiz.. i oso duno la.. anyway sup. paper de date is between 21-23 Jan.. so if i need to do sup. paper.. i will be spending Chinese New Year alone in Australia.. haiz.. why did i pay such a great stake.. haiz.. cant blame anyone.. is i weak cant stand up faster enough to prepare enough for exam..

dunno la.. everything in my life is change.. the past lead to the mi now.. the past make mistakes the past haf regrets.. but there is nothing i can do to erase the mistakes erase the regrets.. so watever mistakes watever regrets just keep inside.. (somethings are better to be left unknown - 1 of my "brother" sae that to mi) so wat i can do now is onli work hard.. work hard for my new future.. although my future is kind of affected by this stupid exam.. but then best is i dun fail.. i dun wanna suffer alone here longer n bcoz of some1 who dun bother abt mi n treat mi so heartlessly.. every1 tell mi everything u sae n did show how far n how much u wanna get mi out of ur life.. u n her spent time together so happily n i'm here suffering alone by myself.. suffer for a guy like u who can just love her so fast n get mi out of ur life so heartlessly n cruelly throw mi in this island by myself to suffer in pains.. hmm... ok.. erase all the memories.. erase all the memories since 6th April 2006.. erase all memories that we shared in singapore in australia.. erase all memories on night safari.. erase all memories on sakae sushi for valentine day.. erase all memories for cookies baking.. erase all memories on small gift cards n album making.. erase all the memories.. erase everything. erase gold coast de memories.. erase all the pains i go thru' erase all the suffering.. erase everything.. delete n delete.. delete every memories we shared since we r together.. reformat my memories back to the days before i meet u the day we get together.. nothing bad haf happen to mi... yes.. so jiayou jiayou.. 1 more paper to go.. GAMBATE..! 为了我自己 加油 ! ! !

IDEAL CASE : I PASS MY CHEM 2041 EXAMINATION PAPER just pass is also good enough =) rather than fail rite =x
*people who care for mi who treat mi as friend n feel that i'm important =) please PRAY for me ^_^ heez.. *PRAY PRAY PRAY*


3 days to last exam paper.
6 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

i just wanna get out of this..

why.. why it is so pain.. i realli dun wanna feel the pain again.. it is so pain.. is so painful.. why lies is everywhere.. i realli dun wanna feel the pain le.. i dun wanna love u.. i realli dun wan.. even i tell every1 i'm ok.. but i'm nv ok.. why i still love u.. why i still love u aft all tis.. why cant i hate u.. why cant i just forget everything n move on.. why do i still love u.. i dun wan.. it is so painful.. i try to convince myself everything is not the truth.. wat u sae is the truth wat others sae isn't.. but why again n again it is you who r lying to mi but i still choose to believe.. why i still believe.. i realli regretted falling for you.. i realli do... i cant move on.. i cant even get thru' my exam.. i already gave up my future le.. i dun haf future le.. u always sae i give up bcoz of myself not others who cause it.. but from the start i nv love u... i wun be struggling over here now to deal with my studies my emotions.. from the start u nv break up with mi.. i will be studying now happily to go home soon to see u.. u nv caused all tis.. is i give away my future.. is just i'm not strong n mature enough.. i gave it away.. i gave my future again due to my own foolishness n immature.. why m i so stupid n foolish.. 1 mistake.. regret for the rest of my life.. the regret will stay forever.. nothing will erase that away.. nothing can... 1 mistake i lost everything.. everything.. n i pay my future my studies which is a big big stake.. i'm just too silly le.. too stupid n foolish.. i suffered all those pain n all this pain for someone who treat mi this way.. haha.. other than stupid n fool wat else can i use to describe myself..

i realli duno how le.. i realli cannot deal with my emotions anymore.. no more.. i realli wanna collapse le.. i guess i learn nth during my time here except things abt lies n wat i get home is depression n crazy-ness.. i reali duno how le.. my head is very pain now.. i still need to go thru' this kind of days for how long.. for how long.. r u feeling more pain than mi.. i doubt so ba.. i dun wan feel this.. i dun wanna haf any memory of u.. it just hurt n pains.. i realli hope i can dun haf any feeling or any love for u.. i just hope n wan that to happen..

3 DOWN.. 1 MORE TO GO ! ! !

yes yes !!!! 3 down.. ONLI 1 MORE TO GO ! ! ! happie happie.. but then today the paper oso dun realli noe how to do =x haha.. eh.. actually tis module already pass liao coz add up all the practical components all this is pass le.. exam is onli 40 % then i did that optional essay on Nuclear power which is 1/3 of exam therefore my today paper is onli 26.7 % nia.. haha.. but then is realli.. grade 4 go in grade 4 come out =x haha.. like make no different.. is just pass nia =x opps.. haha.. now waiting for my next paper which is my LAST PAPER on thurs..! monday goin to meet my lecturer regarding the 1st exam paper which i feel that i'll fail.. haiz.. see wat she advice mi to do.. haiz.. this issue is always in my mind.. realli keep haunting mi.. realli scare fail.. haiz...


5 days to last exam paper.
8 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

that hought in my mind

i duno wat wrong but my mind keep having this thought in it..

i'm far away from you and she is so near to you.. wat you need is onli someone you love n to accompany. coz you are afraid of lonely.. i used to be the reason to make you felt lonely when i'm not by ur side.. when ur friends are not free to accompany.. she will always be there for u.. not once not twice but always.. she used to be the one you love n she is now the one you love.. she is the ger which u always think is best among all of us.. whenever i'm not around she will appear to be able to accompany you to make u feel not lonely.. i even wonder before you even come over to australia.. you already start loving her again.. you never admit that.. it seems like i'm the one at fault for all this.. but i realise.. you went out with her more than once.. she is always by your side.. she will always there for you when you need someone.. she is so caring n thoughtful to you.. you felt her more than felt me.. guess you didn't realli love me that much.. or maybe at one point you realli love mi alot alot but during this few months.. it starts to get lesser n lesser.. partly is coz i'm not at ur side n you cant feel mi..

you always say u did alot for this relationship for there is one thing you never do at all.. you never get her out of us.. she is always there.. there as a "friend" that you sae.. you treat mi good.. buy mi alot of stuff spend alot of money on me.. but i realise.. i didn't ask for all this.. is you wanna get it for mi.. you always say you did wat you can for mi le.. but everything is got to do with money.. i even think back n i realise.. i actually didn't ask you to come australia.. is you who SMS mi n tell mi if i work hard n study hard you promise you will come n visit mi at least once.. actually i didn't ask you to come.. is you mention abt this then i ask you to come de.. the time when u msg mi this.. you still love mi alot u still feel that u need mi in ur life.. u still feel that i'm important.. but as days goes.. alot of things happened.. arguements quarrels.. friends pei-ing you.. soon u realise actually you are afraid of lonely but you need mi no more.. you have friends around you.. you have her too.. by then.. i should have realise.. you already dun love mi le.. why am i so stupid n retarded not to realise this fact.. there is hints n hints over n over again that tis relationship will end soon but i didn't realise this.. even if i nv did anything wrong at airport that day.. as long as i sae something wrong aft that.. you will still break up with mi.. that is just happen to be a reason to break up.. as long as once i did 1 thing wrong.. i'm sentenced to death.. i should haf realise the love isn't that strong anymore.. i should have pull myself back then.. why did i fall in deeper.. bcoz the love isn't that strong anymore.. so you feel tired being with mi.. i never think of you leaving mi.. but i guess i realli facing the fact.. the fact that u never admit.. the fact that you fall for her.. maybe people will say at least he never 2 time you but i guess is almost the same.. breaking up but soon you are with her.. isn't it the same..

i guess this is my fate.. being "timed" by guy that i loved.. i keep telling myself this isn't the fact the everyone is saying the fact is already in front of mi n wan mi to face it.. the fact that you love her now.. the fact that hurt mi so much.. the fact that you don't love mi anymore.. i dun wan to accept all this fact.. why i wan you to remain good n so good in my mind.. why i cant accept all this fact.. i dun wan to love you le.. i realli dun wan.. i wanna destroy the image of you inside my mind my heart.. so that i can dun love you anymore.. why is everything so clear n open there for mi to see.. i still dun wan to accept this fact.. m i just silly or stubborn.. you are not that guy that i love anymore.. you are not the one anymore.. i just wanna stop loving you.. i just wanna dun love you.. i just wanna forget you.. i just dun wanna accept the fact that there is her beside you.. i just dun wana accept the fact that u 'betray' mi.. i just dun wanna accept the fact that u start to fall for her again when u r with mi.. i just dun wanna believe all this.. is tis all facts?? i realli duno.. i realli feel like knowing but i noe i wun be able to take it if is the truth coz i noe the truth will hurt even more.. alot alot more.. i keep telling myself you sae you never love anyone is just that you dun love mi le that y we break up.. but someone tell mi.. it can be a lie too.. just another lie to cover himself to make himself seems so noble n realli didn't wanna make tis decision.. it seems like everything is a lie.. i realli dunno how to differentiate LIES anymore.. i dunno how to trust a person anymore.. everything is like lies.. lies everywhere.. how to live in tis kind of world.. who can i trust anymore.. you r the one that i trust so much but every words you said before just hurt mi.. i duno which is truth which is lies.. i duno how to differentiate anymore.. i tell myself dun drop any more tears for you.. no more.. everyone sae you dun worth for mi to cry.. but i failed again.. the tears just roll down.. it keeps coming down.. why cant my eyes be a good dam n hold all the water all the tears.. i must not cry over tis anymore.. i duno when can i realli do tis.. i dun wanna miss you.. i dun wanna love you.. i dun wanna cry bcoz of you.. i dun wan anything abt you.. at this point of time n thing happen till this stage.. i shouldn't be loving you anymore.. but y cant i dun love.. i just wanna get you out of my mind my heart my brain.. i just dun wanna cry quietly alone in my room again.. i feel lonely too.. very lonely.. but i think i start to love to be alone.. alone without the need to be happy n smile for others.. alone emo in the room.. alone i felt relax n no need to scare of anything.. i realli duno u change mi to become wat kind of person le.. a person which i duno at all.. a person which i dunno which is the real mi..

我离你很远 而她离你很近



1 days to 3rd paper. 6 days to last exam paper.
9 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

烦

nothing goes into my brain again.. haiz.. i dun wanna scare of failing again.. my mind is blank n saturated.. it cant absorb anymore.. haiz.. memorising is so tiring.. i dun like to memorise things now... i oso dunno how did i manage to memorise so mani things in the past.. but now.. haiz.. is i old le or wat ar.. haiz.. can u all pls go in n come out during exam.. dun i force u into my brain then u dun wanna come out during exam.. i dun wanna feel blank.. haiz.. sian ar..

i feel like killing ppl now.. arghhhh..... is so so "fan" 烦 ar ! ! !


2 days to 3rd paper. 7 days to last exam paper.
10 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

wHo aRe yOu??

i cried again.. i see the msg that my cousin left for mi in msn n friendster.. "dear, 分手快乐! 祝你快乐! 你可以找到更好的! 有哪一个人恋爱时是不幸福的,有哪一个人分手时是不伤心的, 要知道这世界上不是只有一颗树哦, 我们还有很长的路要走, 一个人在那边要 take care always k...!!! " i'm touched.. but i felt useless too.. y i must let everyone worry for mi.. especially i'm in overseas.. wat so big deal about relationship.. u r already in so far island.. all ur friends n family r worry for u coz they cant see u or feel u.. dun let a relationship pull u down.. u haf to get out of tis soon.. dun let the yenwei in u die.. u haf to be back to normal.. but wat is normal.. wat is the actual yenwei like? i dunno.. i never noe.. actually i realli live for others.. craps n lame around to make people laugh n smile.. smile n laugh around.. but deep inside mi.. wat is the actual mi.. y u always keep things in u.. why u dun show wat r u actually feeling.. u r not strong at all n stop acting strong.. y u cant cry in front of others.. y must be hide in 1 corner n cried.. why.. u r just a weakling.. u r just human.. u r just a ger.. cry out when u wan.. y must u hold back all the tears in u.. y u cant let ppl see the weak side of u.. y must u always stay in ur room n onli cry alone in the room.. why.. wat actually are you, yenwei.. can u tell mi how a person are u.. how long more u wanna hide urself how long more can tis goes on.. ur emotions n moods are so extremely apart.. tis carry on u will go crazy u will realli get depression de.. y u cant let out urself.. why must u keep urself in the dark corner.. y u dun let out.. let out urself to others.. u r not strong.. tell others ur problems.. tell others how u feel.. y keep saying "i'm ok la" but in the actual fact u r not ok.. u nv been ok.. y must u still look so strong in front of others.. is it bcoz u dun wan others to wry.. but how long more can u handle all tis before u collapse before u totally collapse.. u r not fine not ok at all.. u r not.. let it all out to others.. dun keep le.. dun torture urself le.. why.. i'm realli hurt.. i'm realli tired.. my mind is working working forever.. when can it stop thinking.. think about ur future.. u think for so long le.. so wat do u wan in ur life in ur future.. wat do u wanna do when u grad... u think for years but nothing come out.. yenwei.. who r u.. wat are u.. wat is exactly in ur mind.. can u let it out.. i realli need some1.. i guess is realli a doctor le.. i realli need 1.. or some1 who can open mi up.. or should sae someone who can open mi up again.. from the start i'm a "closed" person.. that is wat my primary sch friend told mi in the past.. they ask mi b4.. "yenwei y u like nv share ur problems with us de" i duno how to answer.. m i realli a person who keep things in mi.. i opened up once.. but i closed back again.. i realise actually i dun share with others.. it will be better ba.. i open up le but i realise i cant trust anyone anymore.. there is some much things that a person should share with their family friends or love one.. but i feel that i cant do tt.. i nv share things with my family coz we dun realli communicate.. i used to share with my friends n esp my love one.. but i realise.. i cant le.. is it bcoz i'm just seriously hurt n injured.. y cant u just open up.. wat kind of people are u.. wat kind of person are u yenwei.. who r u..

FAIL FAIL FAIL

2 down.. 2 more to go.. haha.. everytime exam ppl will use tis sentence.. X down, Y more to go.. haha.. i'm so tired.. just now i did a stunt.. i told my father that i might fail the 1st paper.. i dunno y i didn't sae i WILL fail the 1st paper.. i very scared.. haiz.. but then like wat my friend say.. he say i should tell my parent at least let them noe lorz.. have some mental preparation just in case anything realli happen.. haiz.. i oso dunno fail le will how.. realli scared n disappointed in myself.. haiz.. i guess i'm just useless la.. haiz.. realli is will fail de.. i dunno how to face the others.. the 1st time i felt the feeling of exam is when i got my GCE 'O' Level result.. i fail my english.. haiz.. mayb i'm just useless but i never realise that.. always think that i'm still ok.. fail fail fail..

i'm going thru' the stage of "FAIL FAIL FAIL" phase in my life now is it? i have a failed relationship which i thought everything goes well.. i have a failed future which i though it will be fine with u.. i have a failed future coz i'm a FAILURE.. haiz.. too stupid to think rationally.. too stupid le.. why m i doing here.. from the start i should agree that i'm stupid.. at least i no need fight n fight.. so when i fail i can just sae "coz i'm stupid lorz" haiz... excuses excuses.. haiz.. i dunno la.. my mood my feeling my emotions.. everything is going up n down.. i dunno can handle for how long.. i got to handle a failed relationship which i noe i will take very long to get out of it.. i haf to handle tis "failing" exam thingy .. 1 after another.. i dunno how.. everything come n come.. it come bcoz of 1 reason.. i dunno how to handle things.. if i'm able to take it n handle my relationship well i no need to go thru' all tis.. haiz.. i dunno how mani more thingy to go.. haiz.. i'm tired le..


4 days to 3rd paper. 9 days to last exam paper.
12 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

i'm tired....... very tired...

is 3.15 am now in australia.. but i'm still not slping yet.. haiz.. is tired is slpy.. but i need to finish with my revision for the paper later which is at 8 am.. haiz.. duno should slp anot.. realli tired but i noe i cant take the risk animore.. although got the feel that i will FAIL my 1st paper.. but if i'm lucky enough to get a just pass.. *pray for mi to pass that paper* then i cant fail the other 3 papers...

THANKS.. I'M FAILING... HAIZ..

just finish my 1st paper today.. is Organic Chemistry.. but i got BAD NEW.. i'm FAILING le.. although the paper is like past yr paper.. but i DUNNO HOW TO DO.. MY MIND IS BLANK... i left alot of blanks.. i left alomost half nv do... i REALLI CANT THINK OF ANYTHING.. thanks for the SURPRISE that whoever gave mi.. tis surprise u gave mi now causing mi to bring another "SURPRISE" to my life liao.. i realli going to fail tis paper le.. i need a pass to PASS this paper.. but i see my paper.. I DID LESS THAN HALF OF THE PAPER.. OR SHOULD SAE.. I ONLI NOE HALF OF IT & THAT INCLUDE SOME WHICH I ANYHOW DO.. how to PASS THIS MODULE.. haiz.. xiaoying was saying is ok coz is like past yr paper.. but.. i realli CANT do.. how.. i'm failing le.. CONFIRM FAIL de.. Like someone mother sae.. i'm going to fail my exam de.. YA... NOW I'M GOING TO FAIL MY EXAM LE.. THANKS TO ALL THE "SURPRISE" THAT U GAVE MI.. U REALLI DESTROY MY FUTURE LE.. i FAIL THIS PAPER MEANS I NO NEED TO CONTINUE STUDY LE.. and NOW.. i'm FAILING.. i WUN PASS THAT PAPER de..

HOW...i REALLI FAILING LE.. u realli DESTROY Mi.. destroy totally le.. YOU NOT ONLI DESTROY MI FOR TIS FEW WEEKS.. U DESTROY THE REST OF MY LIFE.. IS MY FUTURE THAT U DESTROY.. IT SEEMS LIKE NOTHING TO U BA.. BUT THANKS AR.. I'M REALLI NO FUTURE LE.. i dunno how to tell my parents le.. i realli wun make it thru' tis le.. all my suffer haf been wasted.. if i realli pass tis module.. i realli must take the lecturer n the staff le.. there is almost ZERO CHANCE that i will pass tis paper le.. how.. i realli very scared n very lost now.. i'm too hopeless le.. how.. nothing can be done le.. u realli destroy mi totally le.. now i realli must go n die le.. not bcoz of u.. is bcoz of mi.. but is cause by u indirectly.. u reali drag my life down.. haha.. should i thank you for all this.. not onli wan mi to stand up from the decision u made.. now i need to get out of tis.. haha.. u realli too good to mi liao.. wan mi to stand up be strong is oso not use tis kind of method.. realli is a big stake in my life.. TOO BIG LE.. haiz.. wat to do.. i cant blame anyone cant blame u for tis.. i'm the cause for all this.. i fail exam i didn't do well is also i choose de.. is i choose tis path le.. is sound so nice.. haha.. aiya.. watever liao.. i fail le oso nth to do with u.. u oso wun feel guitly or wat.. is i too stupid le.. end up my life become like tis.. haiz.. i fail is also i caused it myself de.. for being too weak n take too long to heal or recover even until now there isn't much recovery.. haiz.. stop being WEAK.. faster study for the other modules even though is realli failing that ORGANIC CHEMISTRY.. haiz.. i gave away my future for a guy that i love so deeply but hurt mi so deeply.. haha.. realli is a joke.. always thought tis guy is different will go thru' thick n thin with mi just like wat i wanna go thru' with him.. but then.. now i'm the one suffering here with NO MORE FUTURE.. who to blame.. BLAME MYSELF ba.. haiz..


1 days to 2nd paper. 5 days to 3rd paper. 10 days to last exam paper.
13 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

JIAYOU

wanna get over tis.. but still cant.. haiz.. why did i get so weak now.. why i cant be strong anymore.. haiz.. how long will i take to stand up strong again.. i still feel the pain inside.. why.. i realli dun wanna think abt u anymore.. keep trying to keep myself busy.. do alot alot of things.. just dun wanna haf time to think abt u.. although when i heard songs.. i will think.. but i keep telling myself.. wake up ba.. wake up ba.. dun hurt urself anymore.. ok.. tml is my 1st paper le.. onli halfway done with it.. haiz.. how.. realli scare will flung but i'm like not doing much abt it.. keep trying to push myself.. push n push.. somemore tues got another paper.. dunno will how sia.. haiz.. realli tired.. i spend too long to get myself out of it.. even till now i still not out fully but i must not waste anymore times on healing.. although still need very long to heal coz i'm seriously injuried.. worst injury ever.. although haf alot alot of wounds but i must not use any time on waiting for it to heal.. i should keep on fighting n stand strong even with all wounds over mi.. it is hurt n pain.. but if i recover from tis.. i'll be even stronger..

just now went out for dinner with terence n his family, chu ting n pei xuan.. terence is from SP SAA de.. he is the staff there.. is kind of happie to noe him.. i'm glad that i not onli get friendz from SP but also get to noe friends from SP de staff.. he is here for holiday with his wife n son.. the son is cute.. haha.. although is "monster" that Terence always sae but ok la.. is fun to haf a kid around.. realli brighten up my day.. =) we went to west end de vietnamese chinese rest. to eat.. ok la.. haf fun talking n chatting.. at least i wun waste my time on useless thinking.. yup yup.. then chuting is my sec n poly senior.. she is from squash team de.. noe that she was in UQ that time coz aft her lesson was my lesson.. was so happie to find another familiar face in aussie.. then pei xuan i just noe here today.. she is from wushu de.. i see her before.. but i cant rmb who got tell mi abt her before.. haha.. but is happie to noe another friend here =)

ok.. is time to go CHIONG liao.. realli time not enough.. haiz.. wasted too much time.. but i noe i must make it thru'.. yes.. i need to pass.. if fail any subject = no need study le.. coz visa state that i cant fail.. ya.. yenwei JIAYOU !


1 days to 1st exam paper. 2 days to 2nd paper. 6 days to 3rd paper. 11 days to last exam paper.
14 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? hAiz..

BIG FULLSTOP .

nice songs.. is long ago de song.. always like tis song but now it seems even nicer.. haha.. flooding myself with tis songs to ask myself to wake up.. mayb is it reflect my feeling n moods.. especially the part "连分手也是让我最后得到的消息" "你这样痴情到底累不累 明知他不会回来安慰" "该放就放 再想也没有用 傻傻等待 他也不会回来".. but nvm.. from today start.. IS A NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE.. i thank you for returning mi my FREEDOM.. every1 sae i should haf thank u for letting mi go.. yes.. i'm going to start afresh start a new.. dun wanna think anymore.. is a BIG FULLSTOP.. end of story.. i will start a new chapter le.. a chapter of my own life.. just myself.. i will be back the independent the strong yenwei.. although might look strong outside but is better than now looking so weak outside n inside.. yes.. I WANNA STAND UP.. STAND UP BY MYSELF.. ok.. enough le.. got to go study liao.. haiz.. still got alot alot alot alot to study.. OMG.. realli scare i flung.. =x haha..


陶晶莹 - 太委屈

当她横刀夺爱的时候
你忘了所有的誓言
她扬起爱情胜利的旗帜
你要我选择继续爱你的方式
你曾经说要保护我
只给我温柔没挫折
可是现在你总是对我回避
不再为我有心事而著急

人说恋爱就像放风筝
如果太计较就有悔恨
只是你们都忘了告诉我
放纵的爱也会让天空划满伤痕

太委屈
连分手也是让我最后得到的消息
不哭泣
因为我对情对爱全都不曾亏欠你
太委屈
还爱著你你却把别人拥在怀里
不能再这样下去
穿过爱的暴风雨
宁愿清醒忍痛地放弃你
也不在爱的梦中委屈自己

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

任贤齐 - 心太软

你总是心太软 心太软
独自一个人流泪到天亮
你无怨无悔的爱着那个人
我知到你根本没那么坚强
你总是心太软 心太软
把所有问提都自己扛
相爱总是简单 相处太难
不是你的 就别再勉强

夜深了你还不相睡
你还在想他吗?
你这样痴情到底累不累
明知他不会回来安慰
只不过想好好爱一个人
可惜他无法给你满分
多余的牺牲他不懂心疼
你应该不会只想作个好人

哦算了吧 就这样忘了吧
该放就放 再想也没有用
傻傻等待 他也不会回来
你总该为自己想想未来

你总是心太软 心太软
独自一个人流泪到天亮
你无怨无悔的爱着那个人
我知到你根本没那么坚强
你总是心太软 心太软
把所有问提都自己扛
相爱总是简单 相处太难
不是你的 就别再勉强


white lies are still lies.. lies are still lies.. dun believe too much.. coincidence happened for too mani times it wun be coincidence le.. is it coincidence anot.. is whether how silly n naive r u to believe in that.. i used to be naive n silly to believe everything is coincidence n tot everything is my fault.. but i begin to think of the other side.. i'm not the onli 1 in fault.. coincidence happened for too much time.. which boyfriend/girlfriend will like their the other half to go out individually with another person of opposite sex.. mayb once or twice happened to meet on the street.. but y go for a movie or shop for the whole day.. why does she always appeared by ur side when i'm not around.. not once or twice.. why do u noe ur girlfriend dun like but there isn't any distance drawn.. why she noe u got a gf n a sensitive girlfriend.. she still dun draw a distance from u n always appeared.. i always believe in u.. believe is coincidence that u always tell mi happened to meet but some1 just reminded mi it happened more than once le.. coincidence too mani time le.. coz he noe u love him alot n will forgive him so he tell u they went out n he is not guilty of it coz he tell u the truth.. but coincidence happened too much time le.. y again n again i believe is coincidence.. i'm angry when i noe u n her were together for a movie or shopping.. but i forgive u for that not once not twice.. which gf can stand their boyfriend going out with another ger when she is not around.. not once not twice.. mayb is realli happened to meet but the guy nv prevent things from happening.. happened to see each other doesn't mean need to go out together aft tt.. even normal friend should also draw a distance.. even good friends also does.. when ur good friends haf the other half.. distance must be draw to prevent misunderstanding n unhappiness.. but.. never.. that meant is the end.. so dun be naive anymore.. i'm silly n stubborn n be a fool for too long too.. when a fool meet a fool.. both of them fooled each other n make a fool out of themselves n stupid for too long.. is time to stop being a fool for both of them.. is the best result out of it..

dun use coincidence or happened to see each other on the street anymore le.. when coincidence happened too much time.. onli stupid ppl like mi that is inside the situation will believe is coincidence n purely happened to see each other.. others that is outside the situation see the other stuff.. stuff that i cant see.. stuff that i nv tot of.. i still choose to believe is coincidence at least i no need to hate myself for being a fool.. mayb coincidence does happen but not always.. i choose to believe everything is coincidence.. mayb it is mayb it is not.. but just let mi be silly n naive another time n believe everything is coincidence.. at least it will be a good memories n i no need to hate anyone for tt.. onli hate myself for being too stubborn n too in love.. not a silly anymore.. i wun blame anyone for tis.. not u not her.. but myself.. coz i'm too in love n fall too inside.. i will onli blame myself for tt.. i wun blame anyone..


2 days to 1st exam paper. 12 days to last exam paper.
15 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains?

没人能把谁的幸福没收 - <分手快乐>

梁静茹 - 分手快乐

我无法帮你预言委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍朋友爱得那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错至少有喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞你何苦非为他等在雨中
泡咖啡让你暖手想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走吹吹冷风会清醒得多
你说你不怕分手只有一点遗憾难过
情人节就要来了剩自己一个
其实爱对了人情人节每天都过

分手快乐祝你快乐你可以找到更好的
不想过冬厌倦沉重就飞去热带的岛屿游泳
分手快乐请你快乐挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱像坐慢车看透撤了心就会是晴朗的
没人能把谁的幸福没收你发誓你会活的有笑容

你自信时候真的美多了

i just want an end to tis...

i cant study.. nothing can go in.. nothing.. i moving very slow.. this carry on i confirm will flung will fail my exam de.. i realli cannot take it le.. i cant study.. i cant carry on with my life.. i realli cant.. i realli very tired le.. i realli cant take it le.. i realli cant take it anymore.. i got alot alot to study but everyday i'm just stoning.. i just staring at the ceiling.. i look at the notes.. the page stay on n on.. nothing can go in.. nothing can.. if tis carry on.. can i just end it here.. i wun get anything done de.. not my life not my study.. nothing will be done.. nothing can be done.. can i just end it.. can i.. i cant even study properly now.. is worse than before.. at least previously i could listen to lectures but now i cant even study for my exam.. i'm not moving.. not moving.. even if i'm moving.. i'm moving too slow le.. i wun make it for my exam de.. my head going to burst le.. y the cycle goes on n on.. i dun wanna feel sick.. i dun wanna feel that my head going to burst.. i dun wanna feel my stomach very weird.. i dun wanna wake up everyday n feel like vomiting.. i dun wan all tis feeling.. i dun wanna feel not hungry at all.. i dun wanna feel that food is sickening n no appetite for that.. i dun wanna feel my heart pain.. i dun wan.. i dun wan all tis feeling..

every morning wake up ask myself "what m i living for" "wat do i wan from my life".. i dun wan anything.. i wan nothing.. i dun wan anything n i'm living for nothing that i wan.. i living for others.. i dun wan.. i realli very tired le.. i live for myself once.. but that 1 time is too hurting le.. i dun wanna live le.. i realli dun wan le.. i wanna be successful.. i wanna do well in my degree n get something out of it.. but it seems like that isn't wat i wan afterall.. i just follow the paths that life should be.. either study if not work.. there is nth i wan from my life.. NOTHING.. i realli very tempted by the "sweets" i realli feel like just taking that n i will not be in this state anymore.. i no need to feel all the feeling that i dun wan.. i no need to go thru' the cycle of pains of head bursting heart ache again n again.. is a non-stop cycle.. i dun wan any of it anymore.. i just wanna leave.. i keep trying to stay on for wat.. stay on for others.. not for myself.. there is nothing in tis world that make mi wanna stay.. nothing.. before i slp every night.. i look at those "sweets" i realli feel like taking it so i could have a good sleep.. i nv slpt well.. slpt at 2 wake up at 5 then at 6 at 7 etc.. i nv could get a good sleep that i used to haf.. i could nv slp thru' out the night.. i just wan some good sleep.. i just dun wan any of tis now.. i dun wanna study le.. i cant study anyway.. i cant even study for my exams.. nothing can go in.. then study for wat.. i noe if i give up now every1 will hate mi for being selfish for being useless for wasting their time n efforts.. but i realli cant le.. i keep telling myself to carry on.. tell myself "yenwei just awhile more u can make it thru' de.. dun give up now.. if not watever u haf been fighting for in the past is wasted".. but how long more i can bluff myself to carry on.. how long more can i cheat myself.. how long more do i haf to lie to myself to carry on.. nothing can carry on.. i keep telling myself to go thru' tis everything will be fine le.. as long as i go out of tis shadow get out of tis.. i will be fine le.. but i'm still stuck.. still inside the dark shadow.. it haf been weeks.. weeks of suffering n pains.. how long more.. i realli cant take it le.. i realli hope i haf taken those pills weeks ago.. i realli hope i haf.. then no more of tis pains.. the pains nv cease.. it nv.. to u everything seems so easy.. how can i carry on like tis. i cant.. i dun wanna go thru' all tis pains n end up still failing my exam.. it will be better if i end it now at least i no need to see how disappointed u guys r with mi when noe i fail my exam. i just wanna be selfish.. i just wanna be..

that day i open 2 pills le.. y didn't i open everything n just eat them... y didn't i.. y u stop mi.. y did u stop mi from having my pain-killer.. u stop mi from taking that but u nv release my pain.. u nv... i realli dun mind eating them now.. is not i dun haf the courage to eat them.. if i can dun care abt anything i will eat it now.. i realli will eat it.. n i hope i can just eat them now.. is also not bcoz there is things in tis world that make mi wanna stay.. y when i wanna die i oso must think wat happen if i realli just go away like tis.. my family will how.. my friends will how.. but sometime i realli hope i no need to think for others.. no need.. just think for myself now.. just end it.. i realli wanna end it.. i realli very tired le.. i dun wanna carry on with tis.. i dunno when i'll do that silly things that every1 is saying.. but is not silly.. i choose that coz i realli get very tired with my life.. since young i haf that thought le.. my life nv been good.. there is nothing in the world that make mi wanna stay n carry on fighting n stay strong.. it used to haf.. but now.. it make mi feel like leaving the world now.. i realli wan to.. if i nv do well for my exam i think i'll end it straight.. i dun wanna carry on le.. is not worth carrying on.. just like not worth carrying on loving u.. is not worth carrying on with my life.. there is nothing that i'm successful in or nothing that make mi proud of n make mi wanna carry on.. there is nth for mi to fight.. if now my mother pms scold mi n saying mean stuff like ask mi go n die.. i think i will do it straight away.. last time she always kao pei mi always shoot mi.. i die die oso dun wanna do wat she sae wanna fight back.. but now.. i dun feel the need to fight back.. i realli fight till i very tired le.. last time there is some force pushing mi.. now.. i refused any force le.. i dun wanna fight anymore.. walking on the street or crossing the road.. i realli hope i can be knock down by a car n just die.. at least i end my life but i nv do anything silly is just an accident.. sometime i realli hope i walk on the street something drop n hit mi n i bcome retarded or forget everything.. that will be fine too.. or like wat nicholas sae.. ask shuting "uncle" for some water.. 忘情水.. that will be great.. but who noe the formula for that.. can i realli haf some.. i realli wanna forget everything.. forget everything n start my life all over again.. if not then i choose not to be born.. i just wanna get out of tis.. i realli very tired le.. i fighted for my life for so long but nth in done.. i'm just a failure la.. i fight for some long le.. can i rest now.. i dun wanna fight anymore.. i realli wanna rest.. rest forever.. can some kind souls scold mi n tell mi everything n sae things like mi go n die better.. then at that point.. i will be thankful to u.. nobody will blame u for tt de.. u r just being good n choose to let mi not suffer anymore..


3 days to 1st exam paper. 13 days to last exam paper.
16 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? i just wanna end it.. end my life..

You said to meet here but you never come...

i wanna leave tis world.. i realli feel like dying.. can i just die.. can i.. i should haf eaten the 18 panadol pills that day.. so i wun feel the pain till todae.. i should haf did that 3 weeks ago.. so i no need to suffer for the past 3 weeks so long n i no need to suffer anymore.. i'm still suffering.. i'm living for everyone sake.. i'm living for the sake of my family for the sake of u for the sake of my friends.. can i be selfish.. can i die for the sake for myself.. can i just be selfish tis time.. can i.. can i just be selfish.. i realli wanna be selfish n hope i can be selfish tis time.. i'm suffering so much for wat.. wat m i living for.. i studying so hard for myself or i'm just studying for my family.. i suffering so much for wat.. i'm feeling all tis pain for wat... y do i haf to go thru' tis all over again.. can i just leave tis world.. i realli dun wan to stay in this world.. i realli dun wan.. i dun wan.. i just wanna leave.. sometime i realli hope i'm not that stubborn or devoted or silly.. can i just go away.. can i just let go n move on... can i just leave tis place n dun come back again.. i wanna leave tis world.. i realli wan to.. i wanna go to the world that i love u no more.. go to a world that there is no u.. go to a world that there is no love no pain no suffering.. can i just go to that world.. even if it is hell.. i guess it will be better than now.. i dun wish to go heaven but can i just leave tis world.. everything is lie there is nth that is true.. everything said is for the sake of some reasons but is for selfish reason... lie n more lie.. everything is just LIES.. millions of lies.. till now there is still lies.. i dun wanna live in tis world.. i dun wan to.. i wanna leave.. i wanna go to somewhere else.. i just wanna be selfish for just another time.. can i just leave here.. leave everything here.. can i just go to another side of the world.. can i.. i rather i have never get out frm the black hole that u pulled mi out from n i can stay there forever.. i'm out from the hole to see the world but i was being push back into the hole.. deeper in n deeply injuried.. i dun wanna come out from it anymore.. i realli hope i didn't climb out of the hole for u n see the world.. i rather i didn't come out so i no need to fell again.. i dun wan to.. i just wanna be alone.. away from everything else.. away from u.. away from my family away from my friends.. away from everything in tis world.. i just wanna leave.. i just wanna leave... everything does not exist.. once a lie is told.. more lies are used to cover it.. everything is just a lie to mi.. nth exist in tis world.. i dun exist to tis world.. i shouldn't b here.. shouldn't be.. i should be in hell.. at least suffer for a reason.. at least nt in the world that is worst than hell.. 生不如死.. i hate everything.. everything everything.. i realli defeated le.. i dun wanna go for anything else le.. i dun wan anything le.. i just wanna leave.. i realli 投降.. i dun wan to carry on fighting le.. i cant fight on anymore.. i just wanna leave tis n go to somewhere else where i no need to fight for the things i wan.. coz i wun wan anything anymore.. when u fight so hard for the stuff u wan n wanna keep it by ur side.. the next moment u will scare u will lose it.. so best is dun wan anything n dun need to fight for it n no need to wry that u will lose it.. i totally lost le.. i dun wanna fight anymore.. i jus wanna leave... and leave forever.. whether i make it anot.. whether i wanna live anot.. let myself decide.. i dun wanna live for others anymore.. i dun wanna stay alive for u.. i dun wanna stay alive for my family.. i dun wanna stay alive for my friends.. if i wana live on.. is live on for myself.. everything is lies.. y must i stay alive to get hurt n suffer while u r looking forward to the next chapter of ur life.. u already found the new chapter of ur life.. everything is just LIES.. who will suffer coz of guilt that he hurt some1.. is just nice words.. the one who is looking forward to be with someone else.. can the one be suffering.. everything is just lies.. everything sae to make the other half feel better n to make one self sound noble n being forced for that decision.. everything is just lies.. it is to make one self feel better.. the meaning of all of them haf no meaning.. is just sae for the sake of saying.. there is no one that is noble or is not selfish.. every1 is selfish.. so can i be selfish now.. just leave tis world.. whether i die or nv die oso make no different.. i hear tis quite a few time.. most people sae that.. the earth wun stop spin when some1 die.. 少了我，地球还是会一样继续旋转，不会因为少了谁而停止转动.. "who cares" "早死早好" "死了，我也不会伤心我也不会为你哭" i heard these phases in my life more than a couple of times.. i heard it since years ago but recently it keep appearing in my mind.. i'm just too useless le.. haiz.. mayb i shouldn't haf been born.. i shouldn't haf appear in the world in this planet.. it will be better for everyone including my family, u n myself.. it will be the ideal case.. no troubles for everyone.. no pains for anyone..

.+. You and Me .+.

Before I met you,
I was badly hurt from relationships that fell apart,
I didn't wanna live no more
I just wanted an end,
I thought nothing could cure me,
My heart would never mend.
You walked into my problems
and made them go away,
I didn't wanna be with you,
'Cause I thought you'd hurt me someday.
I gave you a chance to see if that was true,
But something was different and you were something new.
Now, I know what your love is truly about,
your sweet, honest, and loveable,
something I can't live without.
I hope that this love will last,
Because you know I'll always love you,
I hope we'll never part,
because I know you love me too...

QuOtEs

"If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it,
if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person,
Then that is true love."

"Two people can just be friends,
but at one point or another,
one of them will fall for the other.
Maybe temporarily,
maybe at the wrong time,
maybe too late,
or maybe forever!"

You said to meet here but you never come...
I never could`ve seen this far
I never could have seen this coming
It seems like my world is falling apart, Yeah
Why is everything so hard
I don't think that I can deal with the things you said
It just won't go away

I used to think that I was strong
Until the day it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through, Yeah
I wish that I could bring you back
I wish that I could turn back time
Cuz I can't let go
I just can't find my way, Yeah
Without you I just can't find my way

I don't know what I should do now
I don't know where I should go
I'm still here waiting for you
I'm lost when you are not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can't let you go

blogskin is meaningful.. represent my feeling at different times of my life.. but none can represent wat is the internal feeling tt i have now.. none will.. i hate everything.. everything... i hate myself most.. "yenwei u can just go n die".. sound familiar but why didn't i do that long agO.. long before i go thru' tis dying period again.. i should haf go n die tt time when i'm young when someone told mi that.. i should haf die by then.. should haf.. got people told mi before i live in this world for wat.. go n die better.. i should haf die that time when she told mi to go n die.. should go n die.. is it too late to die.. haa.. is just having the pills as sweet rite.. late is better than never.. looking at the mirror.. that person ask mi wake up.. either wake up n move on if not just go n die better la.. dun waste ppl money time n effort.. save others the trouble.. i'm tired le.. i just wanna leave.. just as u r tired n wanna leave.. i'm also tired.. i oso just wanna leave.. just wanna leave... but we leave in 2 different ways.. i wanna leave tis world.. i realli feel like taking pills as sweets coz i noe aft that i wun feel any bitter taste anymore.. not at all.. it might not be sweet aft that but at least it wun be bitter n painful anymore.. slping peacefully is wat i wish i can haf aft weeks of not being able to slp properly.. sleeping is wat everyone hope can haf time for tt but everyone wanna wake up aft a slp.. but i dun wanna wake up anymore.. i wanna sleep forever.. i dun wanna wake up n be back in tis world tt i hate.. i hate everything.. everything includee myself..


4 days to 1st exam paper. 14 days to last exam paper.
17 more days of toughness n pains here... how long more can i endure tis pains? haiz..